The Warmonger's Lexicon

Defenders of U.S. wars and military interventions look like the majority of Americans. They also dress like them, eat like them, work like them, play like them, and talk like them. However, it is sometimes impossible to communicate with or make sense of them because some things they say have their own peculiar definition. This differs from military doublespeak. To really understand these defenders of U.S. wars and military interventions, one needs a warmonger’s lexicon. To get started, I propose the following entries: Just war: any war the United States engages in. Good war: any war in which the United States is on the winning side. Defensive war: any war the United States starts. George Bush: the Messiah, but especially when he was fighting against Muslims. Barack Obama: Satan, but not when he is fighting against Muslims. Insurgent: anyone who dares to fight against U.S. troops occupying his country. Militant: see insurgent. Enemy combatant: see militant. Freedom fighter: an insurgent, militant, or enemy combatant supported by the United States when he fights against some other country. Weapons of mass destruction: weapons that foreigners can use to attack Americans. Advanced weapons systems: weapons that Americans can use to attack foreigners. Allies: countries that support U.S. foreign policy. Enemies: countries that don’t support U.S. foreign policy. Patriot: any American who supports U.S. foreign wars. Traitor: any American who opposes U.S. foreign wars. Hero: any American soldier who fought in any war against any country for any reason. Coward: any American who doesn’t support U.S. soldiers fighting in senseless foreign wars. American: supporting large defense budgets. UnAmerican: opposing large defense budgets. Threat to American security: see unAmerican, coward, and traitor. Veteran: God’s chosen people. Non-veterans: second-class citizens. Muslim: terrorist. Terrorist: Muslim. Soldier: public servant. Civilian: freeloader. Isolationist: any American who opposes U.S. wars, empire, and/or foreign policy. Zionist: someone who favors U.S. military intervention in the Middle East. Anti-Semite: someone who opposes U.S. military intervention in the Middle East. Pacifist: enemy of the United States. Draft dodger: see pacifist. Dead U.S. soldier: fallen hero. Dead foreign civilian: collateral damage. Torture: torture of Americans by foreigners. Enhanced interrogation techniques: torture of foreigners by Americans. Extraordinary rendition: U.S. supported torture of foreigners by foreigners. U.S. interests: anything the United States wants to be interested in. When it comes to defenders of U.S. wars and military interventions, learn their language so you won’t be intimidated or deceived by them, but don’t waste too much of your time with them. There is nothing more frustrating than discussing the finer points of something like just war theory and then finding out thirty minutes later that the warmonger you thought you were having a meaningful conversation with and in basic agreement with believes that all the wars the United States has engaged in are just wars.