Junko Mihara for Dictator of the World

I have a dream that one day this great nation will able to vote on politicians because of their past records and not just by hearsay…

I blew it with my last article. What a total blooming fool I was. I had written about how I, as a foreigner in a foreign land, didn’t want the right to vote. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so blind not to see?

Now I want to vote. In fact, I’d like to vote several times; to even stuff the ballot boxes to make sure the candidate I wanted wins the election, or as, she would say, in her cute Japanese accent, “…the erection.”

I haven’t felt this alive, this wondrous, in years. The last time I was this excited and enticed about the voting process was when the last issue of vital national importance was at stake: the US Postal Service had that Elvis Presley vote for which Elvis memorial stamp We the People of the United States wanted. You remember? The one where they had two Elvis stamps to vote for. One was the young, virile, handsome Elvis and the other was the old, fat, dumpy looking donut-plumped Elvis.

Artist’s rendition of US Post Office Elvis Presley stamp voting form

I remember my good friend Tom Chartier pointing out this stamp vote idiocy and laughing out loud about it. “Let’s stuff the ballot boxes with votes for the fat cheeseburger Elvis!” he snorted as his devil horns appeared on the side of his head. I tittered along, and then we spent the next few weeks going to the post office as much as our idle selves could handle voting for fat Elvis.

Of course, young handsome Elvis won. Never underestimate the romanticism of the average American. Nor the ability of the Post Office to waste time and public money on nonsense promotions that mean absolutely nothing excepting the gullible American public will get all excited about them.

My team lost that vote, but this time, I’m sure, I have a winning ticket in the latest elections in Japan!

Ladies and gentlemen, let me announce the next great political movement afoot in Japan; something that might even rival the excitement of your Ron Paul Revolution in the States! Junko Mihara is running for political office. I’m on the Junko Mihara express train because she is the perfect best! Woo! Woo!

Just who is Junko Mihara? I’m glad you asked that question because, if you are into the real political arena as much I am, then you are in for a real treat.

Jun-chan, as her fans affectionately call her, was a famous J-Pop Idol teenybopper singer who turned actress and appeared, under a different name, in some good movies as well as questionable ones that raised eyebrows (among other things). Now she’s running for political office in Japan’s House of Councilors election in a few weeks’ time.

Like I said, if I could vote, I’d be stuffing the ballot boxes for her every chance I got.

In most elections, who cares when it is one old geezer versus the next old geezer? I certainly don’t. Those are always, "Same old, same old."

The regular oldies are always boring the daylights out of us by claiming to be different than their counterparts when, in all actuality, they are all the same. They always claim to have done this or to have done that. They always ask us to look at their past, to judge them by their record. But their records are always cloudy and hard to judge.

Junko Mihara is different. She is a breath of fresh air. I don’t have to judge her by what she claims is her record; I can judge her by her discography and buy her CDs and DVD’s on Amazon. Amazon has sales rankings built in, and ratings by other customers, so I can determine if this is what I want before I buy it. Heck, she even has several that have five stars! That’s good enough for me.

No more of this flip-flopping nonsense. Junko Mihara’s records stand on their own.

Who could forget her smash hit song, “Do-Ra-Mu” (I think that translates to “Drum”)? Watch the video here.

Or how about those classic songs from her greatest hits album, Junko Mihara: The Perfect Best? "Sexy Night," "Sani Side Connection" (I think that’s supposed to be “Sunny Side Connection”) or, my personal favorite, “Datte Fall in Love Totsuzen,” which translates into something like, “But, Fall in Love, Suddenly.”

Schizophrenic in Japan... Mike Rogers Best Price: $3.50 Buy New $17.41 (as of 10:46 UTC - Details)

Wow! I’m sure even you loser Austrians would want to vote for a politician like this, if you could, as, in my opinion, she’s just as qualified, if not more, than 99.9% of those clowns we have out there.

Junko has it all. It is public knowledge that she is divorced twice. That shows me honesty. It shows that she just divorces rather than tries to hide her antics; she likes younger men, like some politicians. (And, in all honesty, you would divorce your second husband too if he suddenly changed his name to “Happy Happy” on the advice from some quack fortuneteller!) And her platform is to protect women and children. Who could argue with that?

Just look at the massive crowds she’s drawing to her political stump speeches in this promotion video.

Whereas you guys in the States have people with fuzzy past records that can’t be proven — like where Obama was born, or where he went to school — I can just go to any record store, DVD shop or online retailer and buy proof of Junko Mihara’s past records, CDs, and DVDs.

That, my friends, is why I am voting for Junko Mihara in this next election… I mean, if I could vote. But I can’t so, well, never mind… I just can’t win when it comes to politics.

But at least I can still listen to Junko Mihara’s records.