As I was checking out of the supermarket on Saturday, I was reminded by an off-duty employee that this day is Earth Day. She was befuddled that no one had said Happy Earth Day during her shift. What’s wrong with these people? Doesn’t everyone know it’s Earth Day? I myself felt ashamed as I left the supermarket and walked towards my car. Then I thought, why just Earth Day? That’s not fair to the other planets.
Earth Day is the day to celebrate the confiscation of private property in the guise of saving the environment. Or it’s the day to celebrate Lenin’s birthday. I’ll leave that one to the conspiracy theorists. Either way, thanks in large part to Senator Gaylord Nelson, Denis Hayes, and a large cadre of hippie student protestors in 1970, the Communist Party found a new home in the environmental movement. Laws such as the Clean Air Act, the Clean Water Act, the Safe Drinking Water Act, the Oil Pollution Act, the Endangered Species Act, the Marine Mammal Protection Act, and the Toxic Substances Control Act were all passed in subsequent years along with countless others. The 18,000-employee Environmental Protection Agency began operations in December 1970 and began to regulate everything from fuel economy to mercury emissions.
Shouldn’t we extend this glorious celebration to the rest of the Solar System? We wouldn’t want to hurt the feelings of Mercury, Jupiter, Uranus and the others. We need to celebrate Uranus Day. Then it’s on to Mercury Day, Venus Day, Mars Day and on down the line until Pluto Day (the Disney folks might not like that idea). And we can’t forget Planet X Day for the yet-unnamed and unverified tenth planet.
But wait, we’re leaving out the Sun. Then let’s have Sun Day on a Sunday! There, that shows how inclusive and tolerant we are as a people. Oh, I forgot about the moons. OK, we’ll have Moon Day that celebrates all the planets’ moons, including the ones we haven’t discovered yet. We’re still leaving out the stars in the galaxy. Fine, let’s celebrate Star Day. Everyone can break out their telescopes and stargaze, or they can just go to Hollywood, take your pick.
The other galaxies might have their feelings hurt if we don’t include their own special day. We can’t be selfish and think only about our own Milky Way galaxy. We need Galaxy Day. And to not leave anyone else out, we’ll have Asteroid Day, Meteoroid Day, Comet Day, Shooting Star Day, Black Hole Day, Super Nova Day, Planetoid Day, Intergalactic Space Day, Wormhole Day, Dark Matter Day, Interplanetary Dust Orbit Day, and Interstellar Gas Day.
There, that’s pretty all-inclusive, isn’t it? Oh darn, I forgot about all the aliens! We can celebrate Uranus Day and Mercury Day but that doesn’t give special recognition to the Uranians and Mercurians. Let us celebrate Alien Day. Yes, I realize the word alien is too derogatory and I certainly don’t want to hurt their feelings, so we’ll rename it to Beings-Not-Of-This-Earth Day.
If that sounds like too many days of celebration, why don’t we just scrap all of them and have Universe Day? To show just how truly inclusive and tolerant we really are, let’s celebrate everything in the known universe on Universe Day. Nobody is left out and no feelings are hurt. Everyone and everything is welcome! What a grand day it would be! Alien governments can follow the Earth’s lead and create Environmental Protection Agencies all over the universe! Everyone in the universe can ratify the Kyoto Treaty! Private property confiscation can now extend to the outer reaches of space! Lenin would be proud. But at least we can all breathe and drink whatever elements are required to sustain life and keep our universal environment safe from the clutches of those greedy, heartless, selfish capitalists!
From now on, I declare April 22nd Universe Day. Wait, I almost forgot about parallel universes! I certainly can’t leave another universe out of the celebration. How about Parallel Universe Day? Multi-Universe Day? Universal Day? Infinity Day? When will it end?
April 25, 2006