• What Next for the Boy President?

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    As inauguration
    day draws nearer, the question of what Bill Clinton will do in
    his retirement looms ever larger. Still a young man, Clinton will
    obviously need an outlet for his fabled energy. Knowing of Clinton’s
    close relationship with many in the entertainment industry, it
    seems quite possible he’ll attempt to enter that field –
    perhaps starring in his own sitcom. We feel that, rather than
    risking something totally untested, Clinton would instead try
    for a remake of a previously successful venture. We have envisioned
    some possible venues for him, and offer them here for your (and
    his) contemplation.

    The Capitol
    Hillbillies

    Let
    me tell you a story bout a man named Bill
    A poor Governor whose wife was awfully shrill
    And then one day he was tallyin’ up a poll –
    Seems the people saw him in a presidential role
    Oval Office, that is
    Swimming pools, movie stars

    Well
    the first thing you know old Bill’s the president,
    McDougal is in jail, the Lincoln Bedroom up for rent
    Dick Morris told him that he must triangulate,
    And accuse the right of bigotry and hate.
    Government shutdowns, that is
    Welfare reform, children starvin’ in the street

    Clinton
    stars as Jed. Also starring Madeline Albright as Granny, Chelsea
    as Ellie May, Christie Whitman as Mrs. Hathaway, Bob Dole as Mr.
    Drysdale, and James Carville as Jethro Bodine.

    Little
    Rock, RFD

    Clinton
    is brilliant in reprising the role of Andy Taylor from The Andy
    Griffith Show. Jimmy Carter plays Barney Fife, Madeline Albright
    is Aunt Bea, James Carville is Gomer Pyle, Ted Kennedy is Otis
    the town drunk, and Janet Reno appears as Floyd the barber. In
    some interesting plot twists, Andy becomes involved in several
    large real estate development deals, without putting any money
    down, and Aunt Bea is hired by The Lippo Group as a $5000 per
    day “pie-making” consultant. Instead of a single love interest
    named Helen, Andy chases a new blonde bimbo each episode.

    Billigan’s
    Island

    A
    small crew sets out in a boat, on a cruise intended to go down
    as the most successful in American history. Instead, they run
    into stormy seas, their ship sinks after hitting the Health Care
    Reform Reef, and they are stranded on Republican Congress Island.
    The series focuses on their continuing attempts to prevent their
    wealthy patrons, the Howells, from deserting the island. Generally,
    this entails involving them in endless coffees, inviting them
    to sleepovers at their hut, and nominating them to made-up posts
    on the island. Clinton plays Billigan, Hillary is The Skipper,
    Robert Reich appears as The Professor, Laura Tyson is Marianne,
    Paula Jones is Ginger, Al Gore plays a palm tree, and Robert Rubin
    and Barbara Streisand play the Howells. In one particularly poignant
    episode, Mr. Howell gets the natives of the island to sacrifice
    all their trinkets to help bail out his friends, a group of wealthy
    investment bankers who had invested in risky emerging market debt.
    Newt Gingrich makes occasional cameo appearances as an angry cannibal
    living on the island.

    Green
    Shakers

    After
    meeting her at a top law school, a country bumpkin brings his
    society wife back to the sticks to live with him. Her intense,
    driving ambition to return to high society leads her to push him
    into all sorts of shady deals with a local named Mr. Haney. Bill
    Clinton plays Oliver, Hillary Clinton is Lisa, Al Gore plays Eb,
    James McDougal is Mr. Haney, and James Carville appears as Arnold
    the pig.

    The Two
    Bubbas

    Clinton
    and Jimmy Carter team up in a tour that rivals The Three Tenors’
    tour in popularity. Carter reads his poetry to Clinton’s saxophone
    accompaniment. “A brilliant expression of the lust in all our
    hearts!” raves Clive Barnes.

    December
    30, 2000

    Gene
    Callahan is a regular contributor to mises.org,
    and Stu
    Morgenstern is contributing editor at The
    Frumious Bandersnatch
    .

    2000, Gene
    Callahan
    and
    Stu Morgenstern

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