What Next for the Boy President?

As inauguration day draws nearer, the question of what Bill Clinton will do in his retirement looms ever larger. Still a young man, Clinton will obviously need an outlet for his fabled energy. Knowing of Clinton’s close relationship with many in the entertainment industry, it seems quite possible he’ll attempt to enter that field – perhaps starring in his own sitcom. We feel that, rather than risking something totally untested, Clinton would instead try for a remake of a previously successful venture. We have envisioned some possible venues for him, and offer them here for your (and his) contemplation.

The Capitol Hillbillies

Let me tell you a story bout a man named Bill A poor Governor whose wife was awfully shrill And then one day he was tallyin’ up a poll – Seems the people saw him in a presidential role Oval Office, that is Swimming pools, movie stars

Well the first thing you know old Bill’s the president, McDougal is in jail, the Lincoln Bedroom up for rent Dick Morris told him that he must triangulate, And accuse the right of bigotry and hate. Government shutdowns, that is Welfare reform, children starvin’ in the street

Clinton stars as Jed. Also starring Madeline Albright as Granny, Chelsea as Ellie May, Christie Whitman as Mrs. Hathaway, Bob Dole as Mr. Drysdale, and James Carville as Jethro Bodine.

Little Rock, RFD

Clinton is brilliant in reprising the role of Andy Taylor from The Andy Griffith Show. Jimmy Carter plays Barney Fife, Madeline Albright is Aunt Bea, James Carville is Gomer Pyle, Ted Kennedy is Otis the town drunk, and Janet Reno appears as Floyd the barber. In some interesting plot twists, Andy becomes involved in several large real estate development deals, without putting any money down, and Aunt Bea is hired by The Lippo Group as a $5000 per day “pie-making” consultant. Instead of a single love interest named Helen, Andy chases a new blonde bimbo each episode.

Billigan’s Island

A small crew sets out in a boat, on a cruise intended to go down as the most successful in American history. Instead, they run into stormy seas, their ship sinks after hitting the Health Care Reform Reef, and they are stranded on Republican Congress Island. The series focuses on their continuing attempts to prevent their wealthy patrons, the Howells, from deserting the island. Generally, this entails involving them in endless coffees, inviting them to sleepovers at their hut, and nominating them to made-up posts on the island. Clinton plays Billigan, Hillary is The Skipper, Robert Reich appears as The Professor, Laura Tyson is Marianne, Paula Jones is Ginger, Al Gore plays a palm tree, and Robert Rubin and Barbara Streisand play the Howells. In one particularly poignant episode, Mr. Howell gets the natives of the island to sacrifice all their trinkets to help bail out his friends, a group of wealthy investment bankers who had invested in risky emerging market debt. Newt Gingrich makes occasional cameo appearances as an angry cannibal living on the island.

Green Shakers

After meeting her at a top law school, a country bumpkin brings his society wife back to the sticks to live with him. Her intense, driving ambition to return to high society leads her to push him into all sorts of shady deals with a local named Mr. Haney. Bill Clinton plays Oliver, Hillary Clinton is Lisa, Al Gore plays Eb, James McDougal is Mr. Haney, and James Carville appears as Arnold the pig.

The Two Bubbas

Clinton and Jimmy Carter team up in a tour that rivals The Three Tenors’ tour in popularity. Carter reads his poetry to Clinton’s saxophone accompaniment. “A brilliant expression of the lust in all our hearts!” raves Clive Barnes.

December 30, 2000

Gene Callahan is a regular contributor to, and Stu Morgenstern is contributing editor at The Frumious Bandersnatch.

2000, Gene Callahan and Stu Morgenstern