Bush Makes Bold Bid To Boost His Popularity

by Gene Callahan by Gene Callahan

In a move clearly designed to bolster his re-election chances, as well as improve his standing in the empire’s eastern provinces, US President George W. Bush announced to the news media and the nation that he is the New Father Liber, the living reincarnation of Osiris-Dionysus, King of Kings and conqueror of the East. Bush held the press conference riding in a Bacchic chariot, resplendent in flowing robes of gold, his head wreathed in ivy, a sacred wand held aloft in his hand.

    Image of Laura Bush that will appear on the new $1 bill.

In addition, Bush ordered that his wife, Laura, will henceforth be acknowledged as the living vessel of Isis-Aphrodite, the divine benefactress, she who rises in the Dogstar, who gave all people, both the Americans and the barbarians, their speech, and who broke down the government of tyrants. ("And we all know who that means," Bush then added with a wink.) Laura was at his side, reclining beneath a cloth of gold, fanned by a dozen boys in loincloths to help stave off the heat of a summer day in the nation’s capital.

In a move that was questioned even by Bush devotees such as Rush Limbaugh, the president’s speech also significantly raised the profile within the administration of his Dionysus-worshipping daughters, Barbara and Jenna. Barbara has been made "Queen of Mesopotamia and all of the desert lands to its south, as far as the ocean of salt," while Jenna will now be overlord of "the Medians, the Parthians, and the Phyrgians."

Furthermore, Bush’s decree grants his brother Jeb the territory of Cappodocia – "wherever the hell that is," the president was heard to mumble – and makes brother Neil permanent head of the World Bank and IMF.

June 18, 2004

Gene Callahan/Stu Morgenstern Archives