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Universal World Civilization Syllabus by Joseph R. Stromberg
UNESCO approval pending. Note: I taught history for eight or so years, part time, in a sleepy community college in a sleepy place near beaches. By the time I was doing this, "Western Civilization" had given way to "World Civilizations," a much friendlier concept. The textbooks began including more and more chapters on Asia, Africa, and the Americas than was traditional. Faced with students who knew nothing at all – they were products of American high schools, after all – and were unlikely to learn 30% more material than the older Western Civ courses had called for, I did what most instructors did: I taught the Western chapters and the one or two non-Western ones that I found interesting. There was no PC inquiry into what we did. That is the advantage of teaching in a sleepy backwater near beaches. In a real university, heads would have rolled. I’m happy to be out of it; but on the small I chance that I might someday take up the teaching of World Civ again, I have prepared a model syllabus which is more in keeping with the way the subject seems to be taught in real centers of learning. COURSE I: AGE OF RACISM, SEXISM, AND GREED 4000-1500 BC.* Racism, sexism, patriarchy, homophobia, hierarchy, homicide, and greed invented by European White Folks. High civilizations flourish on other continents; unfortunately, they neglect to leave any written records or impressive artifacts. Something was going on in China. 1000 BC, more or less. Dwellers on edge of desert invent monotheism with universal ethic. Unfortunately, European White Folks take this over by first century A.D. and introduce racism, sexism, etc., into it. 800-200 BC. Greek branch of European White Folks display minor achievements. These they stole from the Egyptians, who were mostly Nubians. The most important Greek contribution was to alternate lifestyles. And don’t forget about SLAVERY. (I caught you nodding off just then.) 200 BC to 450 AD.* Roman branch of European White Folks unify Mediterranean world. They are best remembered for importing new cults and foreign immigrants into Italy. You mustn’t forget about SLAVERY. 450 AD. Unspeakable Germanic White Folks topple Roman Empire in west. Racism, sexism, etc., go through the roof. 450-1250 AD. Dark Ages, characterized by Christianity, racism, sexism, etc. Europeans live in mud huts and fight with sticks, while high civilizations, which unfortunately left few records or material artifacts, thrive elsewhere. 900 AD. Aztecs invent new universal religion with strong emphasis on individual sacrifice for the common good. Something was going on in China. 1250-1400 AD. Renaissance. Revival of ancient Greek texts promotes creative lifestyle choices along with hermetic mysticism, astrology, and alchemy, breaking stranglehold of racist, sexist, etc., Catholic Church. Mongol Khans attempt to organize progressive Central Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere. COURSE II: AGE OF IMPERIALIST RACISM, SEXISM, AND GREED 1492 AD. Genoese navigator Christopher Columbus imposes Spanish Catholic version of racism, sexism, etc. on western hemisphere. A long period of SLAVERY (you almost forgot), rape, pillage, and religious faith ensues, which is only brought to an end by Dr. Fidel Castro in 1959. 1600-1776 AD. Growth of racist, sexist English colonies in North America. Because of the law of gravity, most of the racism, sexism, etc., came to be concentrated in the South. This problem has not yet been fully addressed. SLAVERY is the only explanation for events in this period. Something was going on in China. 1776-1787. Sexist, racist American Revolution. This is only important for Five Words ("all men are created equal") and the creation of a state that would one day rule the world in order to undo racism, sexism, etc. Students will prepare term paper on SLAVERY. Somewhere in here, Thomas Jefferson fathers Hemmings children. 1787-1861. Sexist, racist pioneers flow across North America, creating Gun Culture. Second term paper on SLAVERY. c.1830 AD. John C. Calhoun invents states rights, a notion of which no one had any inkling prior to his writings. 1837 AD. Sexist, racist, Calvinist Dutch farmers ravage South Africa, killing all the inhabitants, who nevertheless survive as political majority awaiting arrival of Xhosa-Communist regime in 1994. Do I need to mention SLAVERY? 1861-1877 AD. Sexist, racist rebellion by Southern pocket of evil. Put down with insufficient bloodshed by inspired leadership carrying out the Will of History. Omelette of Reconstruction defeated by failure to break enough eggs. Some kind of war in China. COURSE III: AGE OF MARX, LENIN, AND HARRY HOPKINS 1877-1914 AD. Europeans live in mud huts and fight with sticks. Americans spend their time engaging in racism, sexism, etc. Hardly anything is produced. 1914-1918 AD. European civil war disrupts civilization but makes possible human liberation via Bolshevism. 1918-1939 AD. Fascism threatens bright promise of Bolshevism. 1939-1945 AD. Racist, sexist Europeans again at war. Slightly less racist side prevails, owing to assistance of Soviet Union. Some deaths reported. War chiefly fought over genocide in which every German willingly participated. Something going on in China. 1947-1989 AD. US Government unfortunately diverted by lengthy quarrel with Soviet Union. US takes up its historical mission to purge the earth of racism, sexism, Christianity, etc., from 1990 forward. 1999 AD. US air forces bomb European White Folks for the first time since heroic age of World War II. A great victory for anti-racism. POP QUIZ: 1. The bombing of Guernica was a crime never to be forgotten. 2. The bombing of Dresden was a necessary aspect of doing Good. Explain. * in a fully executed parody these would be "BCE" and "CE." My fingers just won’t type that.
May 18, 2002
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Joseph
R. Stromberg [