Real Constitution Discovered in Parallel Universe
startling document reproduced below came my way from an unregistered,
and indeed non-existent, source called Angelcynn.warp. I can only
guess that it drifted in over the ether from a parallel universe,
where things are exactly the same as in this one, with the exception
that in this other universe a form of constitutional honesty prevails]
the people of the nearly Perfected Millennial State, large and containing
multitudes, unified only by a common dedication to abstract propositions the most important of which is that All Men Are Created Equal do hereby ordain and establish this Constitution so that the Mighty
Popular Tribune, the Assembly of Lawyers, Insurance Men, and Realtors,
and the Nine Delphic Oracles may have a noble public document to
which they may refer whenever they decide to overturn civil society,
conduct necessary social revolutions, or remould the very mentalities
of the social subjects found within Our permeable borders, without
respect to national origin, language, religion, or previous condition
1. The power to bind the subjects in all matters whatsoever
is inherent in governing as such, and is shared among the branches
of government. Pro forma, laws shall be said to be "made"
by a Congress consisting of two houses chosen in the same way by
the same constituents. Every community large enough to appear on
the American Automobile Association map shall elect a member to
each house. Underlying social forces, as interpreted by the Supreme
Court, shall specify from time to time the qualifications of the
electors and members of Congress as well as the times and manner
2. The Congress shall have Power to lay and collect Taxes, Duties,
Imposts and Excises on anyone and anything not nailed down to pay
for whatever Congress shall wish to spend money on. All nails not
conforming to the Metric System may be removed by Act of Congress.
3. The Congress shall have Power to pass all laws necessary
and proper. Congress shall be the judge of what is necessary and
proper, excepting in cases wherein the Supreme Court shall find
that Congress has failed to provide for the next stage of Social
Evolution. In such cases, the Court may direct Congress to pass
additional laws up to the tenth power of ten. Disputes pertaining
to the last item shall be appealed to the Geometer General.
1. There shall be a President who shall act as Popular Tribune,
Embodiment of the General Will, and International Conscience. His
qualifications shall be those of a corporal able to seize power,
or those of a member of Congress, whichever shall be the lesser.
The President shall be chosen in general quadrennial plebiscite,
provided always That the votes of the electors in the Florida Prefecture
not be counted.
2. The President shall take Care that the Laws be faithfully
enforced by means of inherent Powers which result from his duties
as Commander in Chief of All the Americans. On assuming Office,
the President shall take an Oath to himself, swearing or affirming
the same in the name of the Greek gods or My Dog Fala.
3. The President shall have full sway over foreign affairs and
shall endeavor to bring all matters under imperial jurisdiction,
Everywhere in the World.
4. The President shall implement and expand freedom from want,
freedom from hunger, freedom from liberty, and all, further freedoms
as shall in the course of time be discovered, Everywhere in the
World. For these good reasons, the great man/woman must never be
separated from his/her nuclear Football.
5. The President may declare Local and Global Emergencies, on
his own motion, and rule by Executive Order and Cruise Missile,
when in his Judgment, such is required by the Exigencies of humankind,
or his Own re-election.
Amending Power shall be vested in Nine Delphic Lawyers to be styled
the Supreme Court of the Millennial State. The Supreme Court shall
embody and possess magico-religious sovereignty and develop and
propound New Doctrines appropriate to the Unfolding of Things.
2. The Court shall oversee Social Progress and, in Case of a
dispute between the branches of government, shall Decide the Exceptional
Case, except when the President shall declare an Emergency.
contracted by The Government shall be so large and unlimited that
there is little point in having an article dealing with Them.
proclamation of this Constitution by a representative fraction of
permanent state functionaries, high-minded busybodies, trial lawyers,
tenured radicals, and other Chattering Classes shall be sufficient
for the Establishment of this Constitution over the rabble found
within the Nation-Propositionís existing boundaries; nothing in
this Constitution, however, shall prejudice the right and power
of the Government to incorporate other nations, as needed, in fulfilment
of its World Mission. [Hic explicit constitutio ex universo ignoto
now add some learned commentary to the foregoing document the better
to illustrate its alembicated wisdom and other advantages. First,
the new Preamble sets out the purposes of government in British
North America far more clearly than the existing version, especially
by putting the Five Self-Interpreting Words in their proper place
as the telos of any worthy Constitution. This is certainly
how Professors Harry Jaffa, David Theo Goldberg, and George Fletcher
would have written it, had they been in Philadelphia in 1787 to
make available their great wisdom to the Convention.
new Article One recognizes the all-encompassing legislative powers
actually possessed by Congress. The new Article Two sketches out
the mighty Presidential Office as it has become, without alluding
excessively to the great cosmocratorís undeniable right and power
to immolate the world with nuclear weapons. Such things go without
saying. The new Article Three sets out the present role and of the
Supreme Court and settles all outdated disputes about the so-called
amending power, once and for all.
will be seen at once that the New Model Constitution is far more
streamlined than the old. Silly disputes which agitated our ancestors
are here settled in just a few sentences and the actual workings
of the American system brought in line with their justifying Charter.
Be happy. Donít worry. After all, it is comforting to think that
in some other Universe, the Constitution has been new-modeled, not
only to conform with actual practice, but also with the high ideals
of Garry Wills, Harry Jaffa, George Fletcher, and other such worthies,
who tend to fret over the bad notions which the rabble sometimes
acquire by reading the 1787 text.
Joseph R. Stromberg [send him
mail] is the JoAnn B. Rothbard Historian in Residence at the
Ludwig von Mises Institute and
a columnist for Antiwar.com.
© 2001 LewRockwell.com