How to Firmly Say No Without Coming Off Like a Jerk

by Brett & Kate McKay

We’ve talked a lot about the Nice Guy Syndrome here on AoM. You know the guy. Big time people pleaser, always puts others before himself, lets people walk all over him. Heck, maybe you’re that guy. These so-called Nice Guys might appear happy on the outside, but on the inside they’re feeling burnt out, resentful, and depressed.

One trap that a lot of “Nice Guys” fall into is always saying “Yes!” to every request that comes their way. These “yes men” are afraid that people will stop liking them if they say no. By saying yes to everything, the Nice Guy piles on the obligations and deadlines to his already busy schedule. He ends up spreading himself so thin that he can’t even fulfill the obligations he said yes to in the first place, which in a sadly funny, yet totally predictable turn of events causes people to resent Mr. Nice Guy- the very result Mr. Nice Guy was trying to avoid by saying yes in the first place!

A man firmly sets his core values, goals, and priorities, makes time to tend to them, and says no to things that conflict with what’s important. He doesn’t lose sight of the best, by pursuing the endless opportunities for the merely good.

What Nice Guys don’t realize is that it’s possible to have this kind of backbone and be able to say no while maintaining positive relationships with others. In fact, it’s even possible to say no to people and leave them thinking you’re a pretty swell guy.

If you’ve been having trouble saying no to people, we’ve provided some pointers on how to do it without coming off as a cad.

Don’t make the no personal. Instead of making it seem like you’re saying no because you don’t like the person, think their cause is crazy, or their parties are boring, just let them know you’re simply “following the rules.” By this I mean that your pre-set personal rules prohibit you from saying yes.

• “I can’t come to the Polka Festival on Monday night because Monday night is always family night for us.”
• “I can’t donate to your charity. We’ve made a decision to set aside our charitable dollars for our church and the Red Cross.”
• “I appreciate the invite, but I don’t date women with more than eleven cats.”

Let them know you wish you could say yes. Letting someone know you sympathize with their request, but still can’t grant it, will soften the blow of the no.

• “I would have loved to hire you – you’ve got just the right personality for the position. But HR has an internal candidate whom they’ve already pegged for the job.”
• “It would have been a great honor to speak at your convention. I’ve enjoyed attending it every year and have always been impressed with the presentations. But I’ve just got too much on my plate at this time.”

Show them that you thought it over before saying no. Feeling like you’re getting the brush off can be just as hurtful as hearing “no.” Show the person that you took the time to understand their request before turning it down.

• “This was a very entertaining screenplay. I really like how in the third scene the man-eating robot and the platypus become friends. But the studio is really concentrating on romantic comedies at this time.”

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August 31, 2010

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