6 March 2004  
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HIGH LIFE

 Title deeds
 Taki
 Gstaad

Twenty-five years or so ago Jeffrey Bernard wrote in these here pages that ‘By and large I’ve met a better class of person in the gutter than I have in the drawing-room.’ Well, Jeff denied inverted snobbery, but that’s what it was. Although he did have an excuse. Back then the gutter was a much nicer place to meet people in than it is today. Most of them were real hobos, winos and the odd homeless person. Jeff called them people who skate on thin ice.




I didn’t agree back then, and I still don’t, but I now concede he had a point. There were no yuppies when he wrote what he did, no aggressive, fat-bellied fund traders, no advertising executives with cellphones stuck to their ears, no cheap It Girls, no get-me-out-of-here celebrities to make one feel they might be better off in the gutter. I’ve asked this before and I will ask it again. What has happened to our culture? What society calls progress, that’s what.

A couple of weeks ago I read that New Labour’s next bright thought might be the abolition of titles. Now that’s not a bad idea, except that New Labour will outsmart itself if it ever tries it. There’s no harm in titles, except when they’re used in the manner in which New Labour uses them. People will always respect those whose ancestors did something for their country and were rewarded as a result. When I go back home, I get more respect for an ancestor who belonged to the Filiki Eteria, a group that financed and planned the Greek struggle for independence in the early 19th century, than for anything my father did for Greece, which was a hell of a lot.

The French did away with titles in 1789, got them back with Napoleon, did away with them once again for good in 1870, but it’s a rare French vulgarian who addresses a person of great ancestry without their courtesy title. It is always Monsieur le Duc, or Madame la Comtesse, and I don’t mean when one’s addressed by the staff. The French love formality, and it makes for a civilised society.

The Italians love titles even more, and they were done away with in 1946, when the last king, Umberto, left the land of pasta for Portugal and exile. The Germans and Austrians, who got rid of their royal families in 1918, use titles with abandon — I’ve yet to meet one who wasn’t a baron — as do the Poles and Russians, bless their souls. Seventy years of godless communism don’t mean a thing where titles are concerned.

The Swiss, who have never had a monarchy in their 700-year history, use courtesy titles for people who were awarded them by other countries. My friend Yanni Zographos always bought his Bentleys from Le Baron de Blonay, known as le baron garagiste, but still Monsieur le Baron. Even the Greeks, whose constitution forbids them, use them for people from the Ionian Islands, who received titles when they were under Venice. Count Theotoki and Count Mercati come to mind.

The Brits, of course, will not forget their aristocracy just because some New Labour leveller decides to do away with handles. What they will forget is people like Aly, Gavron, Levy and the rest of Tony’s crowd. But Mickey Suffolk will always be Lord Suffolk, as will David Beaufort always be the Duke of Beaufort. And speaking of Mickey Suffolk, I hear his cousin, Greville Howard, is about to be ennobled.

Greville is a great man and a very good and old friend and he deserves it. But Greville comes from one of England’s grandest families — his father was a second son, that’s all — so he will feel very much out of place in the new House of Tony’s Lords. What I find amusing is that Mickey Suffolk is now out of the Lords, and his cousin Greville is in.

The United States, of course, is unique in never having had the use of titles. They, at least, fought a war of independence in order to get rid of them. Still, show me an American hostess whose knees don’t go weak at the sight of some broken-down Eurotrasher with a handle, and I’ll show you a rare specimen indeed. Americans are rather sweet in their ignorance about European titles. Just try to explain to someone why, say, Lady Anne Carr, the writer, whose father is a duke, but whose husband, the artist Matthew Carr, is a plain mister, is Lady Anne Carr, rather than Lady Carr, and you will see the kind of look people have after experiencing a terrifying car accident. The same with princely titles as opposed to royal ones: ‘You mean she’s the Queen of Austria?’ when someone mentioned a certain Princess Schoenburg.

It is not very important, in fact rather frivolous, but in the yob culture and moral corruption we’re living in, good manners and titles go hand-in-hand, and we could use much more of them. Take care, Tony. The only ones you’ll displease if you get rid of handles will be those who funnel their funny money to you before every election. They will be the ones who are forgotten quicker than you can say backhanders.
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