Tips on Reporting Suspicious Behavior

by Mike (in Tokyo) Rogers
by Mike (in Tokyo) Rogers

"America! America!
God shed His grace on thee,
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!
"America! America!
God mend thine ev'ry flaw,
Confirm thy soul in mind-control,
Thy liberty in law."

~ Katharine Lee Bates (1859—1929)

In America's great time of need, it is up to each and every one of us to do our fair share in protecting our freedom from those who don't like freedom. It is those who dislike our freedoms that wish to take them away from us and to destroy them and/or give them away to someone else. This must not happen fair citizens! We must unite in helping our leaders (of all that's good and fair) to stop these terrorists from infiltrating our shores and taking away our freedom.

"Yes, Mike, but how can I help?" I'm glad you asked. In compliance with the Homeland Security act you must begin to report all suspicious persons, activities, and packages to the proper authorities. It is these suspicious no-good-doers (and their packages) that are coming to take our children and other things. You must report all this suspicious stuff. Not only is this your duty as a patriotic American, but it is kinda fun.

"Yes, but how can I know if something is suspicious or not?" That's a good question. You want to know for sure if something is suspicious before reporting it, right? And it's not like you can just go walking up to some terrorist and say, "Excuse me, sir. Are you doing something suspicious?" Hell, for all you know they don't even speak English. You certainly don't want to embarrass yourself by reporting something to the authorities that looks suspicious but actually isn't. What would the neighbors think?

How many times have you had or heard this telephone conversation:

"Hello, police?"

"Yes."

"I'd like to report some suspicious activity going on."

"Yes. What kind of activity?"

"Two boys are walking down the street."

"Yes. That sounds suspicious. Is there anything especially suspicious about them?"

"It's night-time and they don't look like they are from around here."

"We'll be right over."

Thank God our boys in blue are on the job 24/7. We don't want "those types" in our neighborhood, now do we?

Things to look for in suspiciousness are easy to pick out once you've had proper police training. Since most of us don't have the time to run around in snazzy blue uniforms, I've made a simple list of things as well as a few handy charts for you to use to decide whether or not something is suspicious before reporting it to the proper authorities.

Stuff that are red flags of suspiciousness are:

Walking with both knuckles dragging on the ground
Very heavy, protruding, brow
Thick skulls
Facial hair
Strange clothing
Giggling

Can you spot the suspicious person in this picture?

If you said, "None" then you are correct. There are no suspicious characters in these photos. From left to right: Slash, heavy metal guitarist from the rock group Guns N' Roses; Dr. Frankenfurter, world renowned biologist; Wrigley's Doublemint Twins; Director General of the British Ministry of Silly Walks.

Now let's go to an even more difficult example. Usually the criminal mind is good at acting — that's why it's difficult to catch these scum. Here are photos of four famous American actors. The cinema and entertainment all involve suspension of disbelief. In other words, good actors are good liars. Can you pick out one from the photos below that is a good actor and therefore a good liar?

From left to right: Garth from Wayne's World, Captain Kirk from Star Trek, George W. Bush, and Leonardo DiCaprio.

If you said, "none" then you are correct again. These guys are all terrible actors and therefore, terrible liars. But at least Garth is funny.

Now, we're up to the really high level of sneaky and suspicious persons and things. Students, this is where the honeymoon ends. Now, if you really want to be the best reporter of suspicious behavior in your neighborhood, you'll have to pass this test. Which of the vegetables in the next picture does not belong:

From left to right: George W. Bush, Condi Rice, Donny Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, Idaho potato.

If you answered, "Idaho potato" then you are correct. The Idaho potato is the only one in the picture above that is not cooked.

Finally, study very carefully the two posters on the left. Which poster, the one on the left or the one on the right, does not come from a Police State?

Which poster does not come from a police state? If you answered "the poster on the left" then you are correct. That poster is from the Soviet Union — a country that no longer exists. The poster on the right comes from The United States — One of the most repressive regimes in the entire world with over 2.1 million of its own citizens in prison. That means that 718 out of every 100,000 Americans were behind bars in 2003. (Russia's rate is 584 per 100,000, and by way of comparison with other industrialized Western nations, England's is 143, Canada's is 116, Germany's is 96, and Japan's is 54.)

How does that song go again?

"For the land of the free

And the home of the brave!"

Thanks to Paul Craig Roberts and Elizabeth Gyllensvard for sending me the poster from the belly of the beast.

June 18, 2005

Mike (in Tokyo) Rogers [send him mail] was born and raised in the USA and moved to Japan in 1984. He has the distinction of being fired from every FM radio station in Tokyo — one of them three times. His first book, Schizophrenic in Japan, is now on sale.

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