Congress Votes to Ban Pregnancy
by Max Raskin WASHINGTON – Riding the wave of progressive health legislation, Congress today voted to institute a federal ban on pregnancy, in hopes that the measure would, "put an end to the most deadly killer in American history – birth." The law, set to take effect in nine months, illegalizes pregnancy and imposes harsh penalties on anyone caught having sex without either protection or sterilization. The bill was initially recommended by the Congressional Committee for Corpse Prevention. The six hundred million dollar CCCP conducted a series of scientific experiments and exhaustive studies to determine the root of the problem with American health care. The CCCP found that, "…along with drug users, smokers, and drivers, those who have been born are more likely to die than those who have not." The study concluded that, "97.4% of those born will, unfortunately, die." Senator John McCain, the bill’s sponsor, said in a campaign speech, "As with our drug laws and recent anti-driving laws, this new measure will end the needless deaths of millions of Americans. I read the report; the science is in." Senator McCain then pointed to the fact that had it not been for Thomas and Nancy Lincoln, "…our greatest president would have never died." The anti-pregnancy legislation passed with overwhelming bi-partisan support. Democrats, eager to tout their progressive credentials, praised the law as a follow-up to the nation-wide ban on trans-fat and caffeinated beverages. Speaker Nancy Pelosi saw the law as a solution to the health care crisis, "The Republicans were offering corporatism, while we were offering socialism. There were no alternatives. Thankfully, scientific planning has offered a solution. No birth, no death."
Republican support for the law was found mostly with the neoconservative wing of the movement. A spokesman for The Weekly Standard, one of the nation’s leading neoconservative publications, released a statement saying, "We are just happy to have a new war to fight. We are a pro-life and death is clearly anti-life. Obstetricians are death doctors. Every single person they touch dies." Sole dissent came from Congressman Ron Paul, himself an obstetrician, who noted that, "This is absurd." Unfortunately, Congressman Paul could not be reached for comment, and some have speculated that his background in obstetrics and outspoken criticism may have had him deported to Fat Camp. "Fitmo," as it is called, was erected in 2006 to detain enemy combatants from the War on Obesity.
After signing the bill into law, President Bush’s approval rating soared to 113%, his highest numbers since taking office. Insiders expected the president to use this political capital for a new project, but said one political pundit, "After ending death, what else is there for the federal government to do?" June 29, 2007 Max Raskin [send him mail] goes to high school in New Jersey. Copyright © 2007 LewRockwell.com |
