Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Election

"Did so!" "Did not!" "You're a liar!" "You're one, too!"

The presidential contest sounds so much like your kids in the backseat on a long road trip, that you almost expect them to break out in chants of "I'm rubber and you’re glue!"

It is in this atmosphere of elevated public debate that my 11-year-old son Steven and I decided a convincing case could be made that this is the Winnie the Pooh election. While this may be the Fifty State Nation, not the Hundred Acre Wood, we believe the comparison is otherwise uncanny.

Steven immediately cast John Kerry in the role of Eeyore the donkey. "That’s good son. The donkey has long been the symbol of the Democrats."

"Dad," he said, "It’s not that. There’s a certain… resemblance!"

"Oh," said Dad.

From there, the rest of the casting fell right into place. George W. Bush is playing the part of Winnie the Pooh himself. Anyone who has seen President Bush reading that other childhood classic, "My Pet Goat," will immediately be put in mind of the words of the song:

The part fits so well, we’re wondering if the "W" actually stands for Winnie!

Of course Vice President Dick Cheney bears a certain resemblance to Owl, except that Owl, who makes a great pretense of being wise, is actually foolish, while Cheney, on the other hand, is actually… well never mind! And they both live in hidey holes!

"I hope we don’t come across any Heffalumps today," said Pooh as he and Owl strolled through the Hundred Acre Wood.

"Yes," Owl instructed, "Heffalumps of mass destruction, Pooh! They’re being reconstituted right now!"

Just then Eeyore happened along. "Why the long face Eeyore?" asked Pooh.

"Don’t make fun of my long face," said Eeyore in his long, slow, deep voice. "At least I don’t go around all day with a honey jar stuck in my nose."

"Never mind all that," said Owl in an irritated tone. "Can’t you see we have more important things to do? We’re under imminent threat of Heffalumps! And they’re working closely with all the bees in the hive!"

"Oh," said Eeyore.

"Yes," said Pooh, who always acted like he knew what Owl was talking about.

Owl looked long and hard at Eeyore. "We’re going to have to take them out first before they take us out. We’re counting on your support Eeyore. You’re not going to go anti-Pooh Corner on us again are you?"

"Yes," said Pooh, trying to act important. "You’re either with us or you’re with the Heffalumps!"

Eeyore shook his head slowly and began a low, mournful, and awfully hard to figure out refrain:

"Whatever," said Owl, making an effort to conceal that he was making an effort to conceal his impatience.

"Whatever," said Pooh peevishly, thinking the prickly tone he’d learned from Owl would come in handy if he ever got in a public argument with Eeyore.

Just then Tigger bounded onto the scene as only he can:

Tigger brought a youthful exuberance that hasn’t been seen in a vice presidential running mate since Dan Quail – which is a species of bird not unknown in the Hundred Acre Wood.

"Hey little buddy-roos!" said Tigger. "Watcha doing?"

"He’s on your team," Owl said to Eeyore. "Now let’s get going. We’ve got to strike the Heffalumps preemptively. When we’re done I know just the guys to put everything back together."

"Who’s that?" Pooh asked.

"Yes Owl," said Eeyore. "Who did you have in mind?"

Owl peered over the rims of his glasses at Pooh and Eeyore.

"Just a company I used to work for. A little group called Owliburton!"

October 22, 2004

Steven Goyette is in sixth grade at Rancho Solano Private School in Phoenix. His Dad, Charles, is the morning talk show host on Talk Radio 1100 KFNX in Phoenix, AZ. Send them mail.