Flight Before Christmas
Kent Van Cleave
24 DEC 01, 2247 HRS EDT
This news bulletin just in. An unidentified aircraft apparently
headed for Washington, D.C. has been spotted on radar. FAA authorities
say it corresponds to no flight plans filed with Air Traffic Control,
and its radar signature doesn't match any known variety of commercial
or private plane. The White House reports only that the president
and senior advisors have been summoned to the Situation Room, and
that the Pentagon has been alerted. We will have more on this breaking
story as it develops.
24 DEC 01, 2258 HRS EDT
Here's an update on the unidentified aircraft we reported moments
ago to be enroute to Washington. The president, senior cabinet officials,
and at least some of the Joint Chiefs of Staff are reported to be
securely in the Situation Room at the White House. At this point,
according to a White House spokesman, all that can be reported so
far is that F-16s from Andrews Air Force Base have scrambled to
intercept. Stay tuned for developments as they occur.
24 DEC 01, 2308 HRS EDT
F-16 fighters from Andrews Air Force Base have intercepted an unidentified
aircraft spotted less than half an hour ago, apparently flying toward
Washington. Attempts to raise the aircraft by radio have failed.
The Pentagon reports the fighter pilots have been unable to identify
the type of aircraft, but it appears to consist of nine separate
units interconnected by cables. One part at the rear may be a cockpit.
More details on this breaking story as they arrive.
24 DEC 01, 2314 HRS EDT
American fighters are now pacing an unidentified aircraft less than
50 miles from Washington. The F-16 pilots now report that the eight
separate units at the front of the craft are writhing, apparently
uncontrollably, as though barely containing some violent power.
The ninth unit at the rear of the assemblage, now firmly identified
as an open cockpit, contains a man described as having a white beard
and wearing turban-like headgear. A huge brown container, perhaps
made of some kind of fabric, holds what appears to be the primary
cargo or payload of the craft. What response the government will
take is still uncertain; the White House says only that a decision
is imminent. One moment....
I'm told one of our news helicopters is on the scene. We go now
to Ace Hovermore. Ace, what can you see there?
Dan, we are located in the aircraft's path, just outside D.C. Our
telephoto images have confirmed the reports about the general configuration
of the craft, and we are now feeding live video.
We have it, Ace. That's the F-16s on the left and right, with the
smaller object in the center being the unidentified craft?
That's right, Dan. Wait ... A FLASH ... TWO FLASHES from under the
wings of one ... now two more flashes from the other jet. Dan, those
have to be missiles!
We see them, Ace. Boy, those buggers move fa.... THERE IT IS! The
craft has exploded twice ... four times, as the missiles hit their
mark. But the size of the explosion doesn't seem to indicate that
any explosives aboard the unidentified craft are involved.
That's right, Dan. We'll get down as quickly as we can for a look
at the debris.
Thank you, Ace. That's Ace Hovermore, reporting from the scene of
the dramatic shoot-down of an unidentified aircraft as it threatened
our nation's Capital. We will return with more following this message.
24 DEC 01, 2328 HRS EDT
We're back with continuing coverage of the attempted air attack
on Washington by an unidentified aircraft. The craft has been shot
down by F-16 fighters, and our Ace Hovermore is on the scene. Ace,
what have you got?
Dan, amazingly, we've managed to get here before any government
response units have arrived. The thing crashed practically right
under us! As you can see, there's not much fire in the wreckage.
Let's get some close-ups of some of the smaller debris here at the
perimeter of the crash....
Ace, wasn't that a horn or an antler or something there?
It sure looks like it, Dan. And I think I see a couple of cloven
hooves over there. But look! The whole place is scattered with toys!
Oh ... here is the response crew in their hazmat suits. Excuse me,
sir. Can you tell us....
I'm sorry, you'll have to clear the area. We're treating this as
a possible anthrax contamination zone. Whatever you do, don't touch
any of those toys!
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. The threat to Washington
has been averted ... but who knows what biochemical devastation
has begun to radiate from the crash site? And who was that bearded
man with the turban? We go now to Mideast correspondent Harry Merkin.
Harry, could that have been Osama bin Laden himself?
That's entirely possible, Dan. There has been no sign of the terrorist
leader for weeks now, here in the Tora Bora area. Many speculate
that Osama bin Laden left the country in plenty of time to have
been smuggled by his network into the U.S. or Canada. Intercepted
radio transmissions from his remaining lieutenants have often contained
a term that translates into "horny," a likely reference
to the antler component of this latest assault on Washington. Back
to you, Dan.
Harry Merkin, near Tora Bora in Afghanistan. Real answers may take
days or weeks, as federal investigators comb the crash site. We
will bring you developments as soon as they occur.
25 DEC 01, 0807 HRS EDT WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM
FEISCHER: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, and Merry Christmas.
I have some brief remarks, and then we'll take questions. The president
has asked me to tell you that he and all the rest of our leaders
in Washington are safe and sound today as the direct result of the
quick and professional action taken by our brave F-16 pilots. Early
information from the crash site is that at least part of the payload
appears to have been venison. Now, we know deer often carry anthrax,
so it may have been the terrorists' intention for projectiles such
as antlers, hooves, and toys to cause lacerations on the skin of
victims at the target area, infecting them with anthrax from contaminated
meat and blood. The pilot remains unidentified. Crews continue to
investigate, and the crash site remains quarantined until we can
decontaminate the area. Now, I'll take a few questions....
1: Larry, we have reports coming in from all over the Eastern Seaboard
that children have not received their expected Christmas gifts.
Many parents are accusing the Air Force of having shot down Santa
Claus and his reindeer! Could this be the case?
[laughing] I think we can dismiss any allegations regarding an involvement
by "Santa Claus" as greatly exaggerated. Next?
2: Larry, our research may confirm the Santa theory. Children all
over the West and Midwest report a completely normal arrival of
toys, but deliveries appear to have stopped just west of Washington.
This hardly seems to be a coincidence!
Really, now [giggling perhaps nervously] let's move on to some
serious questions! I really don't think....
3: Larry, our studios received a telephone call from a Mrs. Claus
at the North Pole, and our watts line caller ID confirms her telephone
listing. She says her husband failed to return this morning, and
that U.S. government officials are refusing to talk to her. Surely
there has been a horrible mistake here! It sure looks like missiles
from our F-16s have taken out Santa's sleigh!
I can tell you categorically that we have no evidence I repeat,
NO evidence that the pilots of those fighters actually fired.
They were successful in forcing the attacker down before he could
reach his target, but the cause of the crash remains a mystery.
But Larry, millions of Americans watched along with me as the F-16s
fired. Surely you're not denying that!
[condescendingly] Dan, Dan, Dan.... Look, we had hundreds of "eye
witnesses" who claimed to see a missle take out TWA Flight
800, too. Just mass hysteria, as we all now know. The federal government
no longer takes such unreliable testimony seriously. Our expert
forensic team has proved without any remaining doubt that TWA 800
experienced an explosion in its central fuel tank due to causes
that are perfectly mysterious. We'll take solid analysis like that
over hysterical rantings from "witnesses" any day!
4: But Larry ... SANTA??
All right, I didn't want to bring this up, but we have reason to
believe that "Santa" is just a code name for a terrorist
organization not any actual person. Attorney General Crashoft
has had a watch on these fanatics for a long time now. They are
Satanists (note the acronym: "Santa" equals "Satan")
who plot to lure us away from our Christian heritage into crass
commercialism and pagan rituals, while planting millions of "sleeper
bombs" disguised as toys in households all across America.
It's our number one intelligence target, with potential links to
Al Qaeda. Look, I see we're out of time. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
26 DEC 01, 1202 HRS EDT
Our top story today.... Government investigators determined with
certainty this morning that yesterday's terrorist assault on Washington
was carried out in a prototype hybrid aircraft of Iraqi design,
fueling demands for a final housecleaning mission to deal once and
for all with Saddam Hussein. Worries about anthrax in the payload
were verified by pathologists, and the quarantine of the crash site
today became a sterilization and permanent containment operation.
Bulldozers have scoured out a huge pit and pushed all the wreckage
and debris from the crash inside. At 11:37 EDT, military aircraft
dropped napalm onto the rubble with pinpoint accuracy. The fire
is expected to burn for a few hours, destroying anthrax spores before
they can be carried away by wind or seep with rain runoff into the
water table. By midnight, authorities say, the pit will be buried
and the public safety assured.
related news, Helga Gretel Claus was apprehended yesterday on charges
of threatening government officials. Attorneys for Ms. Claus say
she was only threatening legal action in the death of her husband,
one Santa Yul Claus. Prosecutors dismiss this as a smokescreen,
pointing to her gang of some twenty men, averaging three feet in
height, who are all known to have possessed some of today's most
popular weapons of terrorist activity, such as screwdrivers, hammers,
chisels, and rattail files. The raid on the North Pole Claus Compound
by Special Forces and Home Security teams met little resistance,
though the cultists were heavily armed with deadly "G.I. Jim"
assault weapons. Concerned for the safety of the prisoners, given
a possible Christian backlash against the alleged Satanic involvement
of the group, federal authorities have flown the defendants to an
undisclosed foreign location where they can get a fair trial under
the protection of a military tribunal.
that's the news for December 26, 2001. Goodnight, and Happy New
Van Cleave [send him mail] is
a philosopher studying and teaching at Indiana University, Bloomington.
By night, he's the radical libertarian activist founder of VoteBuddy.com
and the new satire site http://welcome.to/HomelandSecurity1.
© 2001 LewRockwell.com
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