The Long, Long, Long Goodbye

by Gene Callahan and Stu Morgenstern

On July 16 of last year, in our greatest national tragedy since the burning of the White House by the British in the War of 1812, in a loss more terrible than the sinking of the Maine, in an event more shocking than Pearl Harbor, the plane carrying John F. Kennedy, Jr. his wife, and his sister-in-law crashed at sea off the coast of Martha's Vineyard. To fill the startling void in news coverage of this important anniversary, we decided to catch up with some people who are commemorating the event.

We found Ms. Margaret Snapplewhite of Manhattan emptying hundreds of flowers from the back of her Ford Explorer onto the front steps of Kennedy's former Manhattan residence. She told us her JFK, Jr., tale: "I was waiting in line for coffee in Tribeca one day when someone ahead of me really let loose. I looked up and it was John-John, grinning sheepishly. It was as if he was just a human being." She suddenly looked nonplussed. "Look, I don't mean to imply that he was just a human being or anything. Just that he seemed like one at that moment."

At a news conference in Washington, Vice President Al Gore told reporters, "I was a true father figure to John-John. I was going to ask him to be my running mate this year. I still may." An aide tugged at Gore's elbow, and whispered into his ear. Gore looked back to the press and said, "Forget that part about 'Still may.'"

Ted Kennedy, rebuffed by his family in his efforts to permit media coverage of last year's private memorial service, has told reporters that he is arranging a "JFK, Jr., Ashes World Tour 2000" in order to "allow the American people finally to achieve closure on this tragedy."

In conjunction with the anniversary, the Walt Disney Company presented plans for a JFK, Jr., Ride at Disney World. "The ride starts out smoothly enough, but the plunge at the end is a doozy," said CEO Michael Eisner.

Due to his long friendship with the Kennedy family, Stu's uncle and Capitol Hill barber to the stars, Mort Morgenstern, garnered an invitation to a private family memorial on the anniversary. "I thought about scalping it," he told us. "Could of got about $1500 for that little invite. But nah, how many Kennedy memorials am I going to get a chance to go to in my life?" Mort looked thoughtful for a moment. "Hmmm, I guess quite a few."

"Anyway, I sneaked a tape recorder in. Let me play you a little of Don McLean's tribute to John-John."

"Don McLean, the guy who wrote 'American Pie'?"

"The very one. In fact, that's the tune he updated for the tribute."

We listened with bated breath as McLean's words reverberated from Mort's tape deck and across the bow strings of all our hearts:

A long, long time ago
I can still remember
His bar exams used to make me smile
But I knew if he had a chance
He'd be more than a hunk in tight pants
Or cover boy for this issue of Style

John-John's looks made us quiver
So much prettier than Uncle Ted s liver
The bad news was on Today
He'll never see Y2K

And I can't remember if I cried
When I read about his mangled bride
But something touched me deep inside
The day that Junior died

Bye, bye, you hunk of a guy
Flew your Piper to the Vineyard
It fell out of the sky
Left Uncle Ted drinking whiskey and rye
Singing, "So much for my pledge to stay dry
"So much for my pledge to stay dry."

You had to get to that wedding place
Did you think were a flying ace?
Just wait 'til tomorrow and try again

So come on
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Please pull back on that throttle stick
Cause if you go, the coverage will never end

And as I watched it on TV
I started cursing NBC
No anchor born in hell
Could torment us all so well

And as search planes climbed high into the night
The anchors gave us no respite
On every network in our sight,
The day that Junior died

We were singing...

Bye, bye, you hunk of a guy
Flew your Piper to the Vineyard
It fell out of the sky
Left Uncle Ted drinking whiskey and rye
Singing, "So much for my pledge to stay dry
"So much for my pledge to stay dry."

July 17, 2000

© 2000, Stu Morgenstern and Gene Callahan