Uh-oh: New York City Will Protect Us

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New York, New Jersey, and New England are bracing for their second “storm of the century” in as many years, with “blizzard warnings” and  fear-mongering as politicians dispense advice to stupid serfs. Naturally, New York City’s nanny, Mike “Big Gulp” Bloomberg, couldn’t resist another opportunity to patronize us. You tell me: based on the monologue below, is he a dead ringer for your kindergarten-teacher or what?

Now, as we do during all emergency weather conditions, our City has a plan of action for keeping New Yorkers safe [sic], and we’ve already put that plan into motion. [Well, that oughta finish us off.] And I would like to describe a little bit about what our different City agencies are doing and stress some things that we would ask all New Yorkers to do.

The first is: Stay off the city streets, stay out of your cars, and stay in your homes while the worst of this storm is on us. That’s for your own protection during potentially hazardous outdoor conditions. … Staying off the streets will make it easier for City workers to clear the streets of snow so that emergency vehicles can use them. … Also, there is no need to do panic buying of gas for your cars; all indications are the gas supply is plentiful and deliveries will not be disrupted. [Right: “A sign stating ‘No Gas’ at a Mobil Station in Queens Friday shows how the storm could impact fuel deliveries.] Tonight … [c]ook a meal, stay home, read a good book, watch a movie, just take it easy. [Really, Nanny? That’s big of you. I thought you’d want me working and earning money so you can steal-sorry, tax me on it.] Remember, there are a lot of people who are going to be out there shoveling the snow and trying to plow it to the side, and [you] just don’t want to get in their way. And also, if you’re out there shoveling snow, be careful, don’t over-exert yourself with that task. This snow can be very heavy snow, very wet snow, and you really can strain yourself or worse. Also … it’s good to look at your neighbors who may need a little extra help getting through the next several days. If you see someone homeless on the streets or in a public place, just pick up the phone, call 311. [Hey, “see something, say something,” you rat-fink, you.] This is no night to be out in the elements, and we will send a staff right away to help that person. [Your Intrepid Reporter once caught the final stages of “a staff” “helping” such a woman. I pass her every day and know she’s elderly and insane but no threat to anyone. Yet “a staff” was forcing her into an ambulance despite her screams and protestations.]

This tripe continues for an unbelievable 2485 words (an op-ed in a newspaper runs about 750; the Declaration of Independence is around 1550).

Meanwhile, New Yorker Bruce McLane has the right idea. He loves sports and kids about equally, so he coaches the latter in the former. When I concluded an email to him with a cheery, “Enjoy the blizzard!” he responded, “Yup. No skool. They educate themselves.”

2:50 pm on February 8, 2013