I have been informed that Condoleezza Rice will deliver this spring’s commencement address, for which she will be paid $35,000 and an honorary doctorate.  In the interests of helping your school reduce its operating expenses – and to serve as a cost-saving model for other universities – I hereby offer to deliver a commencement speech for only $5,000 plus an honorary doctorate degree. If not an honorary doctorate degree, how about an honorary Associate Arts degree plus an $8,000 fee?

I must admit to being a lifelong defender of peace and liberty, so my address may not provide the kind of message you would like your grads to take away, and for which you were willing to pay Ms. Rice her handsome fee.

The Best of Butler Shaffer