The TSA as Masseuse

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Male victims of the TSA frequently write me asking why they can’t choose the sex of their assailant (as if I can fathom the agency’s bizarre and utterly evil “logic.” Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence there, guys). Apparently, they figure they should receive as many jollies as the TSA’s whores do.

But the TSA stubbornly refuses this quid-pro-quo. It clings to its “same-sex pat-downs” — and never mind that such behavior could have dishonorably discharged one from the Empire’s ranks of hired killers not too long ago.

All that may be changing. Nico Melendez, one of the TSA’s most loquacious flacks, describes the agency’s “sensitivity” for “transgender passengers” (alas, brutality towards the rest of us remains SOP). Says Nico, “When passengers come to the checkpoint, we have to screen the passengers based on how they present themselves. If they present themselves as male, they are screened by a man. If they present themselves as female, they are screened by a woman,” he said.”

All you fellas hoping for a free thrill, there ya go: wear a dress and heels for your next flight.

12:37 pm on August 9, 2011