As all of us know, the federal government went on a “Total Quality Management” kick about a decade or so ago, and even the IRS workers were told to call taxpayers “customers.” Of course, we know what a joke that is.

Anyway, I recently received this email from a friend who, along with her husband, served 29 months in federal prison for some ridiculous charges. (Our efficient federal government does not just find time to imprison “Middle-Eastern Types” who purchase used cell phones — they like to go after home-grown Americans, too.) They are about to come off federal probation, which means they can leave the state without having to ask permission from their federal masters.

Anyway, my friends have received a “quality control” questionaire from the U.S. Department of Justice (sic) which wants to find out if the federal “services” that they received. Her email to me simply must be read to be appreciated.“You know how you go on one of those online stores that sells everything, and you order, say, a sand wedge, and they deliver you a sandwich instead, but have already charged your credit card for the sand wedge, so you repackage the sandwich and go to the post office and ship it back to them, and try to sort out the billing issues via the online customer service, and get back a semi-literate note saying that if you wanted a reuben instead of turkey and swiss, you should have said so, and their order form clearly indicates that you ordered the turkey, but they finally agree to send the sand wedge, although you have to pay a restocking fee for the sandwich and also have to pay for shipping again, and of course already paid it for reshipping the sandwich, and then they deliver you a marble ledge?

“And then you get this email asking you to take just a few moments of your time to respond to a Customer Satisfaction Survey which has 78 questions like: “The Customer Service Representative who assisted me was courteous and knowledgeable and quickly resolved my problem.” ? And there’s a line of numbers from 1 to 10, with 10 representing “strongly agree” and 1 representing “rot in hell”?

“Well, I bet you didn’t know that the Federal Government has its own Customer Satisfaction Survey for people on supervised release, when they are finally released from supervision.

“Lurch (our nickname for our cadaverous Probation Officer) showed up on Friday, in a mood that was closer to human than normal for him. He comes around roughly once per month, and invariably finds me home alone with kids, since D—- is at work. Because he has such a pathologically flat affect, I find it almost impossible to give an example of how his demeanor was different, except to say that there was a vaguely positive “vibe” coming off him while he droned on about how we were almost done with probation, and that, unless we did something “really bad” it was going to be over soon, and expressed regrets over the recent burglary in our home (which of course I had to tell him about because of the “police contact”).

“So anyhow, he hasn’t seen D—- in nearly a year, because of D—- very long work hours, and he’s been grousing to me about this and threatening to go to his place of work. He keeps telling me how “lenient” he is with D—- on this score. The last time he did this I just said “Don’t you dare go there and lose him this job! Everyone can tell from 100 yards what you are.” We ended up agreeing that the next Monday D—- wasn’t working, he’d go down to the office to see him.

“He also told me that the procedure for being released involves an “exit interview”. I started laughing. I can’t help it, the whole thing is so infantile. I asked him what that was about, and he told me that it is where they ask you your plans for the future, and the like. I’m thinking about telling him I want to be an astronaut when I grow up. I inquired as to whether he couldn’t just ask me right now, and dispense with the interview later, but no. He takes this very seriously, which makes me laugh more. But, in his leniency, he intimated that when D—- saw him, he might more or less do D—- exit interview then, even though there were still several weeks left to go.

“So D—- went to see him this morning, and sure enough, he conducted the exit interview, although he claimed that he really wasn’t conducting it, and that D—- had to return to do it again. It involved penetrating and useful questions like “What are your plans for the future?” (D—-: “I don’t know. I’m not really much of a planner.”) and “Are you planning to commit another crime?” (D—-: “I’m not really much of a planner.”)

“I could write a book just ridiculing all this silliness. I absolutely am going to ask him if he ever had a “client” who responded “yes” to that last one. But the funnest part, the part that leaves me helpless with laughter over the folly of these morons, is that he actually asked “customer satisfaction” type questions. Things like “Did we meet your needs in helping you to find a job?”, “Did the supervised release experience meet your expectations?”, and so forth. I am NOT making this up. D—- told me that he was about to express his opinions clearly, but suddenly felt extremely sorry for Lurch, who, D—- said, was distinctly human this time, and being as nice as he knows how. Besides, he had a huge stye on his eye and one untied shoe, so D—- figured the poor guy had had a rough night. So he confined himself to remarking that “the only thing I expect from you people is trouble. You can quote me on that.”

“I wonder if they pass out these forms to the people in Guantanamo or Abu Ghraib:

“We in the US Government are always looking for ways to serve you better. Please take a moment of your time to answer the following questions. Mark one of the circles beneath each question with some of the blood from your injuries. Use additional paper if necessary for any additional comments:

“When electric current was being applied to your testicles, was your interrogator efficient and courteous?”
“After you were waterboarded, did your attendants remember to give you a towel? Was it clean?”
“After urinating on your Koran, did your interrogator remember to wash his hands? Did he splash?”
“Between the time when your mother was being raped in front of you and you were sodomized in front of her, did your interrogator change his condom?”

But anyhow, my own exit interview is coming up. I can’t wait. But I am in a tizz deciding which of the dozens of responses which spring to mind is just the right one. Talk about an embarrassment of riches! Part of me wants to go full court press with the sort of thing the Cambodian government under Pol Pot wanted to hear after some poor schooteacher had been through re-education camp, complete with fulsome expressions of gratitude, and ending with “I LOVE BIG BROTHER!”, while tearfully embracing his knees. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t keep a straight face, though. Hmmmm…. I must mull it over for the next few weeks. One cannot allow an opportunity for comedy like this pass unexploited. I owe it to my children.”