Obama’s Retirement Reform Revealed

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President Obama is preparing a secret plan, insiders say, that will upend the GOP in the fall election, guarantee him a second term, and make life comfortable and affordable for future generations of Americans. Its key ingredient: risk-free investments.

“People will invest in government, it’s that simple,” the president explained at an off-the-record meeting in Chicago. “Look — back in the 1890s, an entire congress was thrown out just for passing a billion-dollar budget. That’s ONE billion over TWO years! $500 million a year was all the government spent! Now it’s trillions of dollars. a year! Look at that fantastic growth! Five thousand percent! How can Wall Street beat that?”

“Don’t you wish you could have invested in government back then,” he continued. “You’d be a billionaire! With my plan, people can invest in government growth — without any risk! Look, government growth is guaranteed! People will LOVE this — see, they give us all their savings and we invest them in government —  Bingo, risk-free growth! It’s a no-brainer! Pretty soon, everyone will be a millionaire.”

The Fund will be called “Universal Government Holdings (UGH).” More details are expected later.

Update: JM sees even more attractive benefits:

“With the new plan in place an American can literally finance their own oppression!”

12:00 pm on June 24, 2010