Obama: Eat What I Tell You To Eat!

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If you skip or eat a light (now substandard) breakfast, you still can skip it or eat it under Obama’s new Affordable Breakfast Plan. It’s just that you must pay a fine if you do so and do not enroll in the new and better breakfast plans being offered under the Affordable Breakfast Act. “You can still skip breakfast if you like,” says Obama. “I didn’t lie to you and anyone who says I did is grossly misleading you. You see, skipping breakfast or eating substandard breakfasts was bad for you. And so we outlawed them. Under this legislation, all breakfasts are high quality. So if you are being fined for skipping breakfast, you can still skip it just as I promised. But really there’s a solution for you. Just go shop around in the marketplace for a new breakfast plan, one that provides what the law says it should provide. That’s what I always said the Affordable Breakfast Plan would do. If those substandard breakfast providers are dropping out of the market because Congress passed this law, don’t blame me. Blame them! Shop around, and you will find much better breakfasts than ever before. No provider can drop you from a breakfast plan or ever provide a light breakfast again.”

Now, here’s what our great caregiving, sympathetic, caring, all-knowing master, leader, provider, magnificence, noble lord, actually said to his serfs and subjects:

“Now, if you had one of these substandard plans before the Affordable Care Act became … and you really liked that plan, you were able to keep it. That’s what I said when I was running for office. That was part of the promise we made. But ever since the law was passed, if insurers decided to downgrade or cancel these substandard plans, we said under the law, you’ve got to replace them with quality, comprehensive coverage. Because that, too, was a central premise of the Affordable Care Act from the very beginning. And today that promise means that every plan in the marketplace covers a corset of minimum benefits like maternity care and preventative care and prescription drug benefits and hospitalization.”

“And they can’t use allergies or pregnancy or a sports injury or the fact that you’re a woman to charge you more. They can’t do that anymore. They can’t do that anymore. If you couldn’t afford coverage because your child had asthma, well, he’s now covered. If you are one of the 45 million Americans with a mental illness, you’re covered. If you’re expecting a baby, you’re covered, safer. The system is more secure for you, and it’s more secure for everybody. So if you’re getting one of these letters, just shop around in the new marketplace. That what it’s for.”

And if you were happy before while skipping breakfast or eating a light breakfast, don’t worry that you’ll be paying double now, because you’ll be getting double, whether you like it or not.

And Obama actually said this:

“Remember, before the Affordable Care Act, these bad apple insurers had free rein every single year to limit the care that you received or used minor pre-existing conditions to jack up your premiums or bill you into bankruptcy. So a lot of people thought they were buying coverage, and it turned out not to be so good.”

Yes, massa, we were stupid. We were taken in by bad apple insurers year after year after year. That’s why we kept paying the premiums. We were dumb. We bought insurance that never paid off. We were that dumb, massa. Where would we be without you fixing up this broken system for us? We’d be starving without breakfast, lunch or dinner. Please, massa, come into our lives. Be our great father. Tell us what to do. Put us to work. Feed us. Clothe us. Tell us when to have sex. Tell us how to have sex. Tell us when to procreate. Educate our children. Tell us what jobs we should have. Tell us what we must learn. Blow our noses for us and wipe our asses.

6:45 am on October 31, 2013
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