Obama Claims All $20 Billion of BP Escrow Fund

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President Barack Obama has reportedly submitted a “claim for restitution” to the Redistribution and Compensation Czar he appointed to oversee the dispensing of BP’s $20 billion escrow fund for victims of the oil spill in the Gulf.

Obama’s claim totals $20 billion, and includes $10 million to compensate him for permanent personal psychological damage, $5 million for damage to his legacy and reputation, and $5 million more for restitution to the government for the loss of respect for the presidency caused by his actions since the spill. The form also includes a request for one additional dollar to offset the value of his services that had to be devoted to presiding over the disaster, rather than to other pressing presidential tasks.

In the “explanation” box on the claim form, Obama wrote, “My reputation has been virtually destroyed by this outrage and my abysmal response to it. My personal feelings and self-image have been wounded beyond measure. My teleprompter is stuck. My standing among the people I admire most — experts, academicians, and the Board of Directors of ACORN — has plummeted. What is a president’s reputation worth? Priceless. OK, $20 billion isn’t worth much any more, but it’s a good start.”

In the mandated section of the form addressing the application’s contribution to government waste, Obama’s application points to an unnoticed benefit of paying his claim off in full and immediately: “If I get all the money, no precious White House time and effort will need be spent on reviewing thousands of claims from little people who are simply looking for a handout. There will be no more money in the escrow fund, so my administration will be able to devote all of its efforts to fixing all the problems caused by George W. Bush. If people still think they have been damaged by the oil spill, they can have recourse to the courts and, of course, BP’s 24-hour toll-free help line. I think that Catholic Charities also has a soup kitchen in New Orleans,” he wrote.

6:34 pm on June 18, 2010