FIB Press Conference!

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“We, the secret police and our thousands of militarized auxiliaries, are wonderful. We are the best. We are brave. We are strong. We are smart. We are the many. We are the proud. We are the narcissists. We work 24/7. Just like on TV. Our motto is: Hey You, Protect Us, Serve Us. Let’s slap each other’s backs! Again! We failed to prevent the bombing, with our vast spending and spying, of course, but at least we accomplished our real objective: weakening the people, empowering the police state.

“With our control of the media and thousands of armored occupiers, we closed down Belmont, Boston, Cambridge, and Watertown. We ordered everyone to stay in their homes. Need food? Medicine? To walk the dog? Tough luck. We closed all businesses, schools, universities. ThisĀ  is unique in American history, and so we have set the precedent for the future. Civil liberties? Property rights? The people exist to serve the government. Get your priorities straight.

“With our vast display of force, our tanks, our helicopter gunships, our infrared sensors, our night-vision goggles, we captured the final suspect…when a mere citizen tipped us off. We own the night, the ground, the air! And no Miranda warnings, in a public safety exemption. As to the first suspect, we may tell you something, or we may not. That goes for this whole business, and all future activities, for we are the FIB. And don’t doubt us. Do not have any competing theories or questions. There’s a public safety exemption for that, too.”

9:19 pm on April 19, 2013