Equal Access Comes to the Pearly Gates

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St. Peter will be receiving a helping hand in deciding who goes on to an eternal reward. Bureacrats from the EU, UN and US descended on the Pearly Gates last weekend demanding that access to Heaven respect principles of gender equality, racial equality and drop consideration of creed.

In determing who would go through the Pearly Gates, St. Peter had previously applied Jesus’ words that “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” Officials reminded him that applying this standard was having a disparate impact on various protected groups and therefore was in violation of the international conventions on gender equality and non-discrimination adopted last week.

St. Peter, in communicating the Lord’s displeasure with the new injunctions reminded the bureaucrats that the standards for entry are two millenia old and that the Lord does, in fact, own the entirety of Heaven and may therefore decide who is admitted entry. The French EU Deputy, in an official response, stated that “the parties under injunction will not be allowed to hide behind old traditions and antiquated notions of property rights while they act in a prejudiced way that violates basic human rights as defined by the EU and the UN.”

[Inspired by a true life story, unfortunately.]

5:27 pm on September 17, 2003