Birkenstocked Burkeans, gun-loving organic gardeners, evangelical free-range farmers, hip homeschooling mamas, and right-wing nature lovers?

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Just when you thought it couldn’t get any more stupid, along comes stupider. I am trying hard–very hard–to reconcile the term “crunchy cons” with any remaining bits of intelligence that I have left after hearing such a term. National Review has named a blog after this idiotic bunch. Maggie Gallagher insists she is not one of them, but, so?

Says Head Honcho Crunchy Con Rod Dreher, “Crunchy cons prefer old houses and mom-and-pop shops to McMansions and strip malls…. Many of us homeschool our kids, and cheerfully embrace nonconformity. I read Edmund Burke and wear Birkenstock sandals. Go figure.”Well, I got a whole closet full of Birks and Mephistos and assorted cousins, and in fact, I wear sandals from March thru December–in Michigan. I like Mom-and-Pops and Wal-Mart and Saks and Martha Stewart muffin pans. Now I only shop at Wal-Mart prior to 8am, when no one will notice me, and before the stampede of ugly people starts. Besides, a little slummin’ is good for everyone. I love organic, but don’t fall into the trap that everything labeled “organic” is actually organic. I think Trader Joe’s rules. I value simplicity in some things, had cable modem the first day it came into being, didn’t contribute to the housing bubble, don’t have HBO, have never leased a car, prefer hole-in-the-wall diners over the Cracker Barrel, drink latte, don’t have an SUV, would buy a guitar in spite of not being able to play one, and I spend a fortune on silly frills for my Harley. Hell, a good friend even taught me, recently, how to buy t-shirts for a dime, buy some fabric dye, and make your own tye-dye shirts. I’m a CPA and writer and photographer, who was formerly an artist in my former life before CPA-ism. That, I am told, is not supposed to happen. I backpack and canoe, and, worse yet, I have taken a vacation to Minnesota’s barren Boundary Waters. I reject much of corporate life’s droll habits, especially where everyone walks, talks, eats, dresses, thinks, and sh___s the same way. I still burn incense and wear homemade, beaded jewelry. And I love Bed, Bath & Beyond and REI.

I guess my real question is: how do a bunch of self-described conservatives with neoconservative politics and eclectic, oddball, personal preferences become a segregated ideological group practice?

Thus do I pronounce myself a Slummin’ Snob-o-Con.

7:45 pm on March 16, 2006
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