Despite sequestration and Big Sister’s threats that the reduced growth of the TSA’s budget — not its actual operating one — will delay passengers in hours’-long lines, the agency signed a $50-million contract with VF Imagewear for uniforms. Yes, those ugly, neon brown-sorry, blue polyester shirts that the thugs at the checkpoint wear cost a pretty penny. Our Rulers tell us that these new threads will “replac[e] worn uniforms” — we wouldn’t want thieves and sexual assailants to look as shabby as their morals, now, would we? — “and provid[e] them to new hires,” of which there were supposed to be mighty few due to sequestration.

But this is old news. I’m bothering you with it because VF Imagewear is “better known for its Lee and Wrangler brand jeans.” Additional lines include “Vanity Fair^®, … The North Face^®, and JanSport^®.” Then there’s Timberland, Nautica, and several more. The TSA’s legion of victims may want to boycott this clothing so that VF Imagewear empathizes more keenly than it currently does with some customers’ distress at the literal hands of its other patrons. Avoiding these duds will protect your health, too, since they can cause rashes and itching — perhaps an allergic reaction to fascism?

The Best of Becky Akers