The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has learned to its horror that sexually assaulting the serfs earns their undying hatred. And it is now scrambling to accommodate the victims it formerly abused, with “retrofits” of its porno-scanners that supposedly hide our nakedness under “chalk outlines” (yeah, right) and promises not to molest kids anymore — well, OK, only occasionally: it will “reduce, but not eliminate” its pedophilia.

Thrillingly, it’s too late. Readers’ comments at virtually every website that accepts them continue calling — loudly; in fact, they’re screaming — for its abolition. Not reform, mind you: abolition.

So what does its chief cheese, John “the Pervert” Pistole, do? Change the cubicles where various sociopaths shuffle papers. Yes!

Here’s a lengthy, boring, jargon-y memo, written by a bureaucrat for bureaucrats. If there’s a bit of humanity anywhere in this nonsense, my name’s George Bush. But at least we rest confident that the TSA’s deviants and their boss richly deserve one another. Behold what your taxes finance:

To: All TSA Employees
From: John Pistole
TSA Administrator

Subject: 100 — Supporting TSA’s Evolution to a High Performance Counterterrorism Organization

Following a good deal of conversation with the Senior Leadership Team, I am announcing my decision to make several enhancements to better align TSA Headquarters functions. These changes are essential to achieve our goal of becoming a high performance counterterrorism organization that provides the most effective security in the most efficient way.

*Formalizing the Policy Coordination function within the Office of the Administrator to ensure responsibility for overall coordination and alignment of TSA security policies within DHS, the Interagency Committees and National Security Staff.
*Shifting the Executive Secretariat and Inspector General/Government Accountability Office (IG/GAO) liaison function from the Office of Special Counselor (OSC) to report directly to the Chief of Staff to drive process discipline and senior-level accountability.
*Establishing a new Office of Training and Workforce Engagement (TWE) that combines the existing technical, leadership and workforce engagement functions currently dispersed across many Offices throughout the agency. This centralizes all training and establishes an office with the responsibility to create processes that engage our employees and empowers them to execute our mission.
*Merging the Offices of Intelligence (OI) and Transportation Threat Assessment and Credentialing (TTAC) vetting operations, as well as the technical, modernization, and Secure Flight mission support resources into a new Office of Intelligence and Analysis. This will ensure vetting and intelligence informs daily operations.
* Transitioning the Office of Transportation Sector Network Management (TSNM) to the Office of Security Policy and Industry Engagement that will also include policy development for Secure Flight and the remaining TTAC program resources. This places accountability in one organization for program management and policy development of security programs.
* Forming a new Security Capabilities Office, comprising the existing Office of Security Technology (OST), and the transfer of the Operations Improvement Branch, Screening Passengers by Observation Technique (SPOT) and Transportation Security Specialist-Explosives (TSSE) program management functions, along with the Office of Innovation from the Office of Security Operations (OSO). This alignment creates a single office with responsibility for defining and developing both the security and technology capabilities required to execute our counterterrorism mission.
* Consolidating Information Technology (IT) services currently residing in the Offices of Security Operations (OSO) and Law Enforcement/Federal Air Marshal Service (OLE/FAMS), along with certain IT services in the Office of Human Capital (OHC), to the Office of Information Technology. This establishes a clear system of accountability for IT functions.
* Shifting responsibility for criminal investigations of non-TSA personnel from the Office of Inspection (OOI), and the Security Threat Assessment Operations function from TTAC to OLE/FAMS. This will ensure TSA speaks with one voice to other Federal law enforcement organizations. The Office of Inspection will continue its core mission of investigating internal employee misconduct matters.

The changes outlined above represent critical components to enable our continued evolution to a high performance counterterrorism organization. Our plan is to complete many of these changes by the end of this calendar year, and others throughout 2012.

Over the next week, each Assistant Administrator will be conducting Town Hall meetings with their headquarters staff to provide more detailed information on the changes. In addition, an iShare page dedicated to keeping you informed about our evolution to a high performance counterterrorism organization will be launched later this week. On the page, you will find more details about what will be required to implement the restructuring, along with answers to commonly asked questions.

These changes, and our shift to a more intelligence driven, risk-based security organization are possible because of the solid foundation established across TSA over the past decade, and will give us the strategy, focus and capability to meet the challenges for the decades ahead.

“Thank you for your continued dedication to our mission and to one another.”

Excuse me, my cookies need hurling.

The Best of Becky Akers