The Lady and Her Speechwriter

by Humberto Fontova
by Humberto Fontova

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Our next vice President boasts a lifetime NRA membership and poses for pictures blasting shots from an assault rifle.

Yet her speech writer regards the NRA as: "the powerful, selfish National Rifle Association with its brutal lobbying tactics. You would have to search the Washington offices of the American Civil Liberties Union," he writes, "to find a more truculent and sanctimonious group of people – or for that matter to find grievances less deserving of serious attention."

Governor Palin's speechwriter, Matthew Scully, quotes Diane Feinstein for some of the above and boasts that he fully agrees with one of America's most vociferous gun-grabbers and most influential Democrats.

Our next Vice President is a lifelong hunter who fills her freezer and feeds her family with the flesh of hooved mammals that she proudly stalked, killed and field dressed herself. Pictures of her posing next to the violently deceased creatures flood the web and blogospheres.

Yet her speechwriter is an animal-rightist and vegan activist whose book, Dominion, was hailed by PETA in 2003 as their "Book of the Year!" And for excellent reasons. In his book, Governor Palin's speechwriter denounces hunters as: "assassins ... miscreants... bullies and cowards taking out their problems on animals." Republican speechwriter Matthew Scully denounces the sport of hunting as "a debauchery...an abomination!" Hunting magazines are "the pornography of blood-lust. And like other obscenities today, a multi-million dollar industry.... Sport hunters operate in a subculture like pornographers."

Sarah Palin's speech contrasted straight-shootin' rural American values to those of snide Beltway elites. Well, here's a quote straight from her speechwriter, Matthew Scully: "groups like Ducks Unlimited, Quail Unlimited and Pheasants Forever, far from demonstrating those timeless "rural values" that "urbanites" simply can't understand – these organizations reflect some of the worst traits of modern society."

For all I know, our next vice president and her speechwriter get along. So I'll got out on a limb and suggest a few angles to her, based on my own such "discussions," in the event she discusses hunting with her speechwriter. Not that she needs any guidance in this respect. As we've all heard, she ad-libbed the most memorable quips from her speech (Hockey Mom/Pitbull/lipstick) during teleprompter sluggishness. At any rate, here goes:

"I guess a hunter is sort of like a hiker or bird watcher except that hunters and fishermen accept responsibilities for nature's upkeep – as in paying for it. The Pittman-Robertson Act (1937) imposed an excise tax of 10 per cent on all hunting gear. Then the Dingell-Johnson act (1950) did the same for fishing gear. The Wallop-Breaux amendment (1984) extended the tax to the fuel for my boat. Much of this money goes to buy and preserve National Wildlife Refuges. (Governor Palin's speechwriter, by the way, advocates an end to hunting on Federal Wildlife Refuges, as a preliminary for ending all sport hunting everywhere.)

Notice, to "preserve nature," they don't tax Birkenstock hiking boots and Ying-Yang pendants – but DO tax my shotgun. They don't tax yoga manuals and Tofu tidbits wrapped in recycled paper – but DO tax my 30.06 rifle. They don't tax binoculars or birding Field Guides with cutesy photos of the red-cockaded woodpecker and spotted owl – but DO tax my rifle scope and the shotgun shells I blast at Mallards before arraying on my grill as Duck-K-Bobs.

Going further, they don't tax Kayaks and rock-climbing picks and ropes – but DO tax my compound bow, and the arrows that fling from it. They don't tax mountain bikes – but DO tax my duck decoys and camo jumpsuit.

Ten cents of every dollar I spend on my hunting and fishing toys (I'd cite the total but my wife might read this) funds Federal and State "conservation" programs. From my guns and ammo to my duck calls and decoys, from my rods and reels to my lures and gaffs, from my trolling motor to the very fuel for my outboard – ten cents of every dollar of this horrendous expenditure funds habitat for Spotted Owls, Red Cockaded Woodpeckers, Bald Eagles, Ospreys, Manatees, Snail darters, Black-Footed Ferrets, California Condors, Florida Panthers and Sea Otters.

None of these creatures (from what I hear) make a decent gumbo or even a passable Chili. I must be crazy. But I have no choice. And this avalanche of extorted tax dollars comes ON TOP of those I fork over for the stacks of licenses, and permits, and stamps that state and federal agencies require me to purchase before I set a foot afield or set my boat afloat. Last season these totaled $500.

And all the above is on top of my voluntary dues and assorted donations to such as Ducks Unlimited (but snookums! I thought you LOVED the duck print I brought home at 2:45 AM from the DU banquet/auction? And especially the picture of me with the nice Hooters girl who worked the keg in her camo bikini?)

In total, just last year, hunters and fishermen (NOT birdwatchers, NOT rock-climbers, NOT kayakers, NOT nature-hikers) "contributed" almost $2 billion to purchase and manage wilderness for greenies to frolic in.

We pay our way – in fact, we pay the hikers and bird-watchers way too. But rather than going afield as passive voyeurs, rather than regarding nature as a Disney cartoon, we accept nature's diktats. We revel in our role as full-fledged participants in her cycle of fang and claw (but add bullets, buckshot, broadheads, treble hooks and gaffs to the primal drama).

For you Scully types, note that The Big Bad Wolf, The Lion King, Winnie the Pooh and Tigger all have eyes that point forward, for the purpose of stalking the sources of their nutrition, whereas Bambi and Thumper have their eyes on the side of the head, to detect and attempt to evade these stalkers. Note that we humans also have our eyes pointing forward, like all predators. Our digestive system (hence, nutritional needs) likewise follow those of lions and tigers and bears. "Fifty percent of the fatty acids that make up the human central nervous system are only available in meat." That’s not the Beef Council or The Texas Cattleman’s Association. That’s Britain’s Nuffield Institute of Comparative Medicine.

So Mrs Palin could inform her speechwriter that his digestive track is much more akin to the Lion King's than to King Louie the Orangutan's, and utterly unlike Bambi and Thumper's. Governor Palin might mention to her speechwriter that, unlike the herbivores he seeks to mimic, his stomach secretes hydrochloric acid – and for one reason: to digest meat. That acid means the human stomach breaks down Mooseburgers in no time – much faster than his tofu, which is as unnatural a food for Homo sapiens as granola. In fact, cellulose, which makes up the walls of all plant cells, cannot be digested by the human digestive system at all, unlike grilled caribou backstrap, which like all meat ingested by humans, crumbles down in two hours flat.

So, for a human, veganism is an attempt to fool Mother Nature. And as we all know: that's not nice. Vitamin B-12, for instance, is only available in meat. And according to the Andrews University Nutrition Council (themselves vegetarians who take it in pill form), "Vitamin B-12 is essential for the development of red blood cells and it plays an important role in the normal function of the nervous system. A vitamin B-12 deficiency usually leads to disorientation, depression, mood disturbances, irritability, memory loss, and dementia."

This explains much about PETA and Friends of Animals.

September 10, 2008

Humberto Fontova [send him mail] is the author of Exposing the Real Che Guevara and the Useful Idiots Who Idolize Him. Visit his website.

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