Letters From the Home Front
by
Tom Engelhardt
by Tom Engelhardt
Last week, at this site,
Teri Wills Allison, a mother from Texas whose soldier son is now
in Iraq, wrote an up-close and personal piece on "the
costs of war" – for her and us. It was a brave essay in
which she discussed, among other things, how it feels to have your
son so far away and in danger, and the kinds of angry emotions Bush's
war evokes in her. It brought a small flood of e-mail to the Tomdispatch
mailbox.
One thing struck me:
Amid all the pundits opining and journalists reporting on the state
of the nation, we almost never hear the voices of Americans who,
like Teri Allison, have to deal with the fallout from the mess this
administration has created. There's no place in our media for that.
To give but a small
example, Allison spoke of the way Bush's war has driven a wedge
into her extended family – between herself and relatives who
have "become evangelical believers in a false faith, swallowing
Bush's fear mongering… cheering his ‘bring ‘em on’ attitude
as a sign of strength and resoluteness." When pundits and journalists
write about "polarization" in America, they talk about red states
and blue states. It sounds politically important, yet strangely
abstract; just those big colored squares on a map. What Allison's
piece and the letters in response tell us is that, as at the height
of the Vietnam War, such polarization is reaching deep into families,
causing intense pain and anguish. This is another kind of reality,
possibly more important than what you read in the papers.
I was also struck by
the offers of help of all sorts directed to Teri Allison (who had,
in her piece, mentioned the plight of a Kurdish translator her son
works with and of wounded friends of his now back in the U.S.).
I've included several of these letters below because in their generosity
of spirit they offer a kind of hope and renewal all their own.
Among letters not reprinted
were a number from mothers of draft-age or younger children offering
Allison thanks for her piece and expressing strong opposition to
any future draft – a potentially explosive issue in our country.
In the end, I chose ten of the many letters that came in –
articulate and filled with emotion, with pain and tears, empathy
and anger. (Many more, just as heartfelt, came to Allison via Military
Families Speak Out, an organization with which she's associated
and which posted her piece on-line.) All of the letter writers below
wrote me in their own names. Some, despite the very personal nature
of their letters, felt determined that those names be used; others
understandably felt differently. I've identified each of them as
they asked to be identified.
Just going through
the letters that arrived was, for me, an emotional experience. I
especially want to express my admiration to the parents of soldiers
in, or heading for, Iraq who wrote so forthrightly of their situations.
Whoever is elected on November 2, their strength will be needed
if this war is to be ended. Tom
Military Mothers
and Fathers
Priscilla Ammerman,
Mississippi
I am the mother
of identical twenty-two year-old twins, both members of the Mississippi
Army National Guard. Both have been activated in the same unit for
training here in Mississippi and for deployment to Iraq in January.
As luck would have
it my sons' unit also has another set of identical twins; they
are only 19. This is one of the real consequences of the mobilization
of National Guard units from small towns; we have brothers, sons,
and fathers, mothers and daughters, and all other combinations
of relatives going to combat zones together.
I read Ms. Allison's
comments and, finally, was able to identify with someone in this
alternate universe I suddenly find myself residing in. I also
feel her frustration, her fear, her all-encompassing anxiety,
and most of all her over-riding anger.
Like Ms. Allison,
I can no longer seem to communicate at all with my family's members,
all of whom are also right-wing, religious, knee-jerk supporters
of Bush. When they vaguely ask me how my sons are doing, I just
as vaguely reply fine. I really have no one other than my husband
to express my feelings to. Living in Mississippi precludes most
thoughtful discussion of the war, the President, or any other
topic relating to this administration.
My anger at this
president has become so intense that I can no longer watch him
on television or listen to him on NPR; I literally become physically
ill. I recently e-mailed the White House to ask the President
to do a little soul searching late at night away from distraction
by advisors, campaign staff, etc. I asked him to then ask himself
if he thought this war was worth the sacrifice of his twins, because
I sincerely felt that it was not worth the sacrifice of mine.
Needless to say,
I got no reply. And since then as I have read more and more about
his personality I have realized what a futile effort that query
was because it appears this man is seemingly incapable of introspection
or self-doubt. He apparently has no comprehension of the suffering
of others either.
As the mother of
twins going into combat together I think I am facing a situation
even more untenable than most. Because my sons have always been
so close, I have to fear not only the loss of a child but the
consequences of that loss on the other twin. Both sons have confided
to me that their greatest fear is not dying – but coming
back without their brother. I, of course, have absolutely no way
to reassure either that his greatest fears will not come to fruition.
My husband and I
can only pray daily that something can occur before January to
keep them here. They are 22-year-old college students who should
be studying for finals and going to keggers, not patrolling in
a country where the enemy straps on explosives and uses his body
as a guided weapon.
Maryellen Walter,
Military Mother
Teri Allison's
letter put into words many of my own feelings. We are a blue-collar
union family whose only two sons are now in Iraq, using the Army
to pay for their educations. One son is an Armor officer who earned
an ROTC scholarship, the other is an enlisted medic who wants to
finish his education on the GI Bill. They knew the risks and joined
voluntarily. And were they serving in Afghanistan, it would be so
much easier for me to bear, because that battle in the WOT [War
on Terror] needed to be fought. Iraq is a huge wrong turn that seems
to enflame the risk of terror, not diminish it.
We also have a contradiction
about Iraq within our family. Our officer son's wife is a huge
Bush supporter who views Iraq as the main stage of WWIV, and W
is her White Knight defending our civilization. I envy her the
peace of mind that helps her cope with the separation and anxiety.
But whistling past the graveyard gives me no such peace. If this
is indeed an apocalyptic clash of civilizations, where is the
national sense of urgency, why are so relatively few bearing the
burden, and why are we paying for it on credit?
Mike Roemhildt
I just wanted
to write to thank you for posting the letter, "The Costs of War..."
It expressed the feelings of my wife and me in a way that was so
close to ours it was scary. Our son, age 19, is a tanker in the
Army and has been to Iraq once already and will go back sometime
this coming winter. Needless to say we dread it very much. His first
tour found him in an ambush, witnessing many horrible sights, IED
explosions, and mortar attacks, and finding himself in a position
in which he had to kill. He seems to be handling things okay, though
he drank for nearly three weeks upon his initial return. There was
virtually no psych screening to speak of to identify those soldiers
who might have problems. In fact they were not even held more than
a few hours on base before being released into the world!!!
I could certainly
go on about my thoughts and feelings but my main purpose for writing
was to thank you and to request that you forward this letter on
to the author. It meant a lot to my wife and me to read another
person's experiences and to discover that we are not alone.
Wars in the Gulf
Beth Lerman, Ohio
Thank you so
much for sharing the letter from Teri Allison. I have been near
tears since I read it, and am still shaky from experiencing this
mother's most intimate fears and grief. My oldest son was in the
first Gulf War, so I know the fear of having a child in a combat
zone, though that was nothing like what parents and loved ones face
today in Iraq. I have a son in the Coast Guard, and a daughter-in-law
in the Air Force, but do not expect either of their jobs to take
them to Iraq (though most folks don't know that there are several
hundred Coasties in Iraq, and one was killed last April – Petty
Officer 3rd Class Nathan Bruckenthal, 24, of New York – he
left behind a pregnant wife). But as we become more desperate for
troops, their circumstances may change.
I am a member of
the Dayton area MFSO [Military Families Speak Out], and meet with
and cry with parents (and spouses) of those who are hurting from
the very pain Teri describes so well. I have been there when the
tears have flowed for hours on end, even a year after losing a
loved one. I have heard the fear of a couple who have had one
son wounded, while another son will be sent to Iraq soon. Several
families have had someone who has returned, but live with the
knowledge that they may have to go back in the future as part
of the back-door draft. I have read a mother's expression of anger
and grief at one of the very things Teri wrote about – wanting
your child to survive, even if it means taking the life of another
mother's child. And then there is the general fear and anger that
there appears to be no end in sight, and their loved ones will
be sent over with end dates well into 2006. (This includes a couple
who are Republicans who are actively campaigning for Kerry.)
The grief and anguish
of Teri so closely echoes the many expressions of pain in our
MFSO community. I can only hug them and share their tears, but
I can't make this terrible situation go away for them.
An Iraqi woman who
lives abroad
I just finished
reading Allison's view and as I was reading, I couldn't hold my
tears back. Her words brought back some dreadful memories of other,
not too far, times when my brother had to pack his things and go
to war (the Iraq-Iran War). For eight years, we had to live with
that horrible feeling of doubt and anxiety, each of us asking him/herself
the same question one thousand times a day: Is he OK, is he still
alive?
We used to jump every
time the doorbell or the phone rang. This is in a world where
we had no means of communication with the troops at the front
– no letters, no phone calls and certainly no e-mails. We
just had to sit on our hands and wait for him to come back. He
was allowed a couple of weeks of leave every few months. During
the time he was at the front, on average 4–5 months, we did
not have any means to contact him.
The hardest thing
was watching what my mom and dad had to go through. Now that I
am a mother I can understand their feelings better. I had to watch
my dad, the strong, powerful man I hadn't seen shed one tear,
disintegrate before my eyes and weep like a five year-old boy.
Yet we considered ourselves lucky that my brother finished his
service alive and in one piece!!!
Yes, he came back
in one piece, but the other damages, the hidden ones were so deep;
he was virtually another person – not the one I knew and
grew up with. I witnessed how he was transformed from a lively
young man to a violent, nervous person.
I can't understand
how a war can have a noble cause. For me all wars are evil and
no war is justified, not even to remove Saddam!! The physical
damage can be repaired easily, but how can anyone repair the other
kinds of damage. How can anyone repair the damage done to the
innocent children? Try to explain to a five- or six-year-old kid
the logic behind the destruction of his or her home, or his or
her injury. Try to explain to that child why he/she lost a mother
or a father in such a horrible way. Convince yourself as much
as you want but also try to convince those kids that this is done
to build a better future for them. Try to find simple words to
explain to them that after the war, their days will be much, much
happier and their nights will be free of the nightmares that,
we know all too well, will haunt them forever. Because when they
are old enough to understand, it will be too late for them to
forgive, too late for their wounds to heal and too late for them
to live the normal life all kids deserve.
Wars, all wars, in
my opinion, are the ultimate failure of human beings. To say that
there is no solution but to kill and maim innocent people is to
say that we are, in fact, so stupid that we cannot (or worst won't)
come up with a better and more humane solution. To see our leaders
brag about all the achievements in science, medicine, etc., to
see them priding themselves on conquering space and someday sending
men to Mars, and yet, in the same breath, to have them tell us
that we cannot root out a dictator without war and destruction,
is a sign that we need to develop other kinds of governments.
Offers of help
A reader from New
York
Dear Ms. Allison,
I just finished reading
your emotional and heartfelt letter. First off, I hope you, your
son and your family are doing as well as you can under the circumstances.
Please know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
The main reason I
am writing is regarding Nick's Kurdish friend – the translator.
I am an immigration lawyer and although I have never represented
anyone from Iraq, I would be more than happy to try to help Nick's
friend get a visa to the U.S. I don't have any idea on the chances
of success, but I would be more than willing to volunteer my time.
My thoughts are with you and your family and I will be praying
for Nick's safety and for the safety of everyone there.
David Veith, Texas
Wow... that
article by the soldier's mom was very powerful. Almost could not
get through it. Gut-wrenching stuff. I am myself hoping to be able
to move to Austin soon. Do you happen to know what hospital she
was describing in the article? Maybe I could make a commitment to
go visit those young soldiers once in a while. I was a psych assistant
in the Reserves for a time so maybe they would welcome a volunteer
like me to help out on weekends or something?
I am 44 years old
and I hate what is being done in our name overseas and to our
kids. A friend of mine who is also against the war just saw his
own son sign up with the Marines. He didn't find out about it
until after the deal was done. Don't you have 72 hours on that
kind of thing? I myself had opted out of the reserves in '99.
Praise the Lord! Or I would probably be over there right now!
I'd be hanging with those guys that stood up and let it be known
that they don't "do" suicide missions. Gotta love it. After all,
that was the first instinct of the chicken hawks when their respective
numbers came up – to put their lives on the line to fight
terrorism... Oops, I mean communism. And I am a major-league believer
in leadership by example. Thus, I feel compelled to ponder an
age-old question: What if they had a war and nobody came?
Another offer and
thoughts on a back-door draft
Larry Fall
I am a Disabled
Veterans Outreach Specialist and Vietnam Combat Veteran with the
Department of Labor's Veterans Employment and Training Service.
I read Teri's account and towards the end of the article she wrote
about a 27-year-old army soldier who was released with an Other
than Honorable (OTH) discharge. The symptoms that Teri described
appear to be P.T.S.D. If this is in fact the case, it should be
possible to get this fella service connected and get the character
of his discharge changed to "Honorable... medically discharged."
I am working with, and have worked with, all sorts of unbelievable
cases where military veterans are inappropriately treated and booted
out of the military. I want to offer my expertise and my assistance
to this veteran. I have colleagues in Texas who can assist. Otherwise
I am available to provide my own personal assistance. There isn't
reason for an American Iraq War veteran to be treated this way.
By the way, here's
a bit of insight which I'd like to share regarding military strength.
I have spoken to military personnel in the active duty Navy and
Regular Army who had planned on making their branch of service
a career. In the past year there is a strange R.I.F. (reduction
in force) that's taking place. Apparently more recruitment money
is being directed to the Army with emphasis to filling those slots
critical to Iraq. As most people in the know realize, the Army
is having difficulty meeting their recruitment numbers. The Navy
and career-minded Army personnel are having their available promotional
slots reduced. So, they have one of three choices....
1. Remain on active
duty without anymore promotional opportunity in their field (which
most won't do).
2. Exit the active
duty military at the end of their enlistment.
3. Transfer from
blue to green (Navy to Army) or if in the green into the critical
occupations for Iraq. Maybe you are aware of this already, but
one can get a sense of the back-door draft mentality at work.
I am also aware that the Navy, for example, is doing more with
fewer sailors; that is, the carriers and other vessels have far
fewer personnel than a few years ago and are being pushed to maintain
operations. All this doesn't paint a rosy picture.
A Father from the
Great Lakes
I returned
home yesterday from visiting my son at the naval base where he's
posted. He will soon be deployed to the Persian Gulf and he shared
his thoughts with me. In two presidential election cycles, his attitude
has gone from "gung-ho" to, frankly, "I don't give a shit anymore."
He says the top brass discourages not voting, but then he asked,
"What can they really do if you don't vote?"
He probably won't
vote.
He explained how
the army will get their "draft": The remaining branches of the
military will have their recruiting goals cut – it has already
begun – and the recruiting officers will tell the prospective
applicants, "Yes you can join the military, but right now it's
the Army which is accepting recruits."
Another way is letting
the enlisted naval servicemen, E6 and under, go AND telling them
they can finish their tours in the Army with the same pay, etc.
NOTE: This applies to those who want out.
AND yes: my son believes
the draft will be back before the end of 2005!
Polarized Families
A Mother from Canada
I wept as I read the
letter by Teri Wills Allison, "The Costs of War, A Mother's View."
I have never written to an editor before although I have wanted
to thousands of times but these following lines from Teri's letter
prompt me to respond. "Then there is the wedge that's been driven
between part of my extended family and me. They don't see this
war as one based on lies. They've become evangelical believers
in a false faith, swallowing Bush's fear mongering, his chicken-hawk
posturing and strutting, and cheering his ‘bring ‘em on’
attitude as a sign of strength and resoluteness." And this one:
"I don't know them anymore."
I am a middle-aged
mother. Because we live in Canada, my grown children are not soldiers
in this illegal and irresponsible war. I feel sorrow every day
for the continuing suffering of Americans and Iraqis involved
in this conflict. I am crazed every day by the inability of so
many Americans to grasp the reality before them. It is beyond
my comprehension to understand what the pro-Bush and pro-war people
see and hear when their faces light up as they watch Bush speak
at rallies or the way they aggressively defend his motives and
actions. I cannot see what they see. I cannot hear what they hear
– and likewise for them as to my position. It's as if half
the nation of 300 million were in a hypnotic state.
 But
getting back to my original prompt, my eldest son works in the
U.S. and is a staunch Bush supporter. He has even become evangelical.
We have agreed to not discuss politics anymore, but it is an ever-present
chasm between us. So not only can I say, "I don't know him anymore,"
but I feel I have lost my son. He has gone to another world. One
I cannot reach or enter. One that it appears he cannot escape
from. He isn't dead, but in many ways it feels that way and I
find myself silently grieving this loss.
In no way am I trying
to minimize the suffering of American or Iraqi families with true
losses and lives of living horror. I simply wanted to express
that the terror unleashed by this current administration, which
is a world dominating power, extends very far beyond U.S. borders
and reaches the depths of our souls in so many unseen ways.
 I
do believe that not since the American Civil War have the families
of North Americans been so broken and divided. The spiritual losses
are so deep and so permanent. How shall we all recover? I suppose
we won't. We'll just live out our lives with the silent scream
inside.
I wish my son were
a small boy again and I could shake him and wake him up. Bush,
or should I say the policies of the Bush administration, have
stolen my child.
October
26, 2004
Tom Engelhardt [send him
mail] is editor of TomDispatch.com,
a project of the Nation
Institute. He
is the author of several books, including The
Last Days of Publishing: A Novel and The
End of Victory Culture.
Copyright
© 2004 Tom Engelhardt
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