The Dear Hunter

"If Iraq came across the Jordan River, I would grab a rifle and get in the trench and fight and die [for Israel]," ex-president Bill Clinton said to wild applause at a Jewish fund-raiser in Toronto.

Clinton shared his woolgathering with 350 people who paid $1,000 to break bread and wind with him on Monday night at a dinner for the Toronto Hadassah-WIZO children's charity.

Clinton, who tried to make peace in the Middle East the legacy of his presidency, but instead botched things royally, decried the current cycle of violence in Israel.

"The current cycle of violence in Israel – I'm against it," the ex-President said, with a countenance more in sorrow than in anger. "Now, the last cycle of violence, that I could live with."

Nevertheless, he said, "It is important for the United States to remain involved in the situation in the Middle East because, well, it's important for the United States to remain involved in most any situation."

The ex-president said the best solution to the Middle East conflict is an interim settlement that would "establish 'The Republic of Palestine Wing' in my presidential library, which, by the way, is still accepting donations for construction."

But he stressed that the creation of such a wing must be preceded by security assurances for Israel and a timetable to resolve other issues.

Clinton said, "Arafat made a disastrous mistake when he failed to capitalize on the close relationship between us created by my wearing a dishtowel on my head at our first meeting." Arafat turned down a peace proposal that would have given the Palestinian leader control of 97 percent of the West Bank, a 50 percent stake in the Whitewater Development Corporation, and a lifetime supply of Sharper Image nose and ear hair trimmers.

Clinton continued: "Peace can be achieved even if Arafat is in power. However, if those Palestinian folks knew what was good for them, they'd find a proven leader who is respected internationally. A leader who is known for his fair-minded promotion of peace in the region. A leader who has shown outstanding skill in manning the helm of a democratic state. A leader who has shown tremendous resilience under mean-spirited attacks from certain fanatical elements within. A leader, who, if Israel crossed the Jordan river, would be willing to grab a rifle and get in the trench and fight and die for the Palestinian state."

"But I don't think there is a military solution to this," he said. "I know there's not a terrorist solution to it. Furthermore, it doesn't seem like there is a diplomatic solution to it. Damn, maybe there's no solution to it. I'm sure glad I'm not Dubya."

Yet, Clinton said, "There are reasons for optimism. I'm not sure what reasons, but there are reasons, reasons that we hear, reasons that we feel our feelings won't… disappear. Reasons to believe in the hope for peace. Because, I want all of you folks to know, I am the man from Hope."

Turning his attention to another conflict, Clinton cited India and Pakistan as countries that must move forward, rather than backward, with peace.

"This situation is a classic example of the tragedy that can result when people become obsessed with blowing each other to bits," he said.

"If Pakistan came across the Shiwalik Range into Kashmir, I would grab an untouchable, climb on a pile of logs, and immolate both of us in protest."

Clinton then flew on to Aspen, Colorado, where he gave a motivational speech to the US women's ski team, telling the gals, "If Canada defeats you at the next world championship, I will gladly take up a pole and give Margaret Trudeau a good pounding with it."

Clinton, who opposed the Vietnam War, lived in his mother's closet for 2 years to avoid induction when he received a draft call in 1969.

He later went to Yale, where he smoked lots of dope and hung out at the law library trying to feel up Hillary, until the war was good and over.

Gene Callahan [send him mail], the author of Economics for Real People, is an adjunct scholar of the Ludwig von Mises Institute and a contributing columnist to LewRockwell.com. Stu Morgenstern [send him mail] was a frequent contributor to Slick Times, until the presence of his articles drove the magazine out of business.