Emergency
Supplies
During
times of war and terror, it's easy to run short on many vital
household items, such as scented soaps, imported prosciutto,
and monogrammed stationary. Some people can find great comfort
in having a comprehensive family disaster plan. But when
planning your emergency supply kit, it’s easy to become overwhelmed
by the details – and the need to please many people at once.
However, using the kit I've designed can be an unencumbered
joy; a vacation, perhaps, and it can be just for the two of
you. Because your kit can only feed two!
Beyond
the basic provisions – Cipro, bottled San Pellegrino, canned
pâte, plenty of potted shrimp, canard confit, oil-cured
Moroccan olives, pique cotton bandages, hand-embroidered quilts
(all available through Martha Stuart Uneasy LivingTM
mail order), and so on – you should have an evacuation kit
that includes mercerized
thread in colors that match your clothes and needles in assorted
sizes. Add snaps, hooks and eyes, seam binding, elastic, iron-on
tape or patches, straight pins, safety pins, a needle threader,
a tape measure, and a thimble. Also include a pair of scissors,
a seam ripper, and a pincushion. Fit the kit’s contents into
a hand-dyed raffia tote, and glue a doubled piece of grosgrain
ribbon to the handles for storing needles and easy-to-lose buttons.
Outdoor
Living
If
your lovely home is ever destroyed in a terrorist attack, my
weather-resistant cedar furniture, my summer stripe beach umbrella
and matching beach mattress, and other items from my catalog
can turn your yard into an elegant space for living graciously
in a time of stress. Consider installing an outdoor shower by
the pool now, while your stock portfolio is still worth something.
And remember, a well-chlorinated pool will enable you to keep
your clothes bright and clean while you're waiting to rebuild.
You can also take a few pellets of your chlorine, drop them
in your copper watering can with a gallon of water from the
creek, and help prevent nasty cases of typhoid. Serve in 8 oz.
tumblers with fresh mint and lime slices.
GOOD
THING: Twig Coasters! Made
with beech twigs and llama-gut twine, these coasters will add
a distinctive charm to your outdoor table.
MONEY-SAVING
TIP: Since you no longer will have electricity to run your
dryer, use it as a compost bin to make the rich organic soil
your homegrown vegetables will love. A couple of spins a week
will keep the compost progressing nicely.
Be
creative! Regard your newly changed circumstances as an opportunity
for simplifying your life and getting back to nature, and you'll
find that terrorist attacks can be an opportunity for personal
growth and empowerment, instead of a time for helpless hand-wringing.
Chemical
and Biological Attacks
It’s
hard to decide which is the bigger mess around the house: the
unlovely results of being dosed with a particularly virulent
strain of escherichia coli, or the hemorrhaging caused by some of those froufrou tropical fevers. One easy, low-cost solution is to cover your
beautiful furniture with a drape of festive plastic sheeting.
A tablecloth, damask-covered duvet, or any interesting cloth
will also do the job nicely in a pinch. Even better, it will
be a cinch to wash and iron, should you or one of your family
members eventually recover. If any of you have the strength
to maneuver victims into a bedroom, you can employ a cheerful
plastic bedsheet to keep the area tidy. Choose one that is the
same size as your bed: a single for a single bed, a queen for
a queen. For a tablecloth, determine the correct width by doubling
the height of the victim(s) and adding his (their) width plus
6 inches. This creates a rectangle of fabric that covers the
body and hangs down an extra 2 inches all the way around, after
you’ve sewn a 1-inch hem. Use grommet eyelets and grosgrain-ribbon
ties to secure the victim in place, as some of these biological
agents can result in dementia.
GOOD
THING: Should things not improve, we have a full line
of spades and shovels in the Martha Stuart Uneasy LivingTM gardening catalog!
GOOD
THING: To freshen the house after a gas attack,
collect fresh herbs, such as rosemary, thyme, lavender, sage,
and lemon verbena, and place them in muslin bags throughout
your home. Tie bags with decorative grosgrain
ribbons.
Traitors
in the Neighborhood
Traitors
can be found in even the best neighborhoods. Perhaps one of
your neighbors is not flying the American flag. Could be he's
home-schooling his kids. Or maybe he "surfs" the Internet,
maybe even visits forbidden
sites.
If
you have some neighbors that have given you ample reason to
suspect that they are traitors, a good way to enhance the community
spirit is to have a public execution.
If
you're worried that neighbors who sympathize with the prisoners
might show up at the block party, you may want to give guests
a little pat down. Always start with women and children first.
Never ask for a cavity search: let your guests volunteer.
To
ease an unlovely cleanup job, make sure to have handy a 10-by-20
sheet of landscaping fabric. Using one of our 10" commercial-grade
pie tins (authentic reproductions of
the highly collectible tins from the pie bakeries of yesteryear),
and some Martha Stuart Uneasy LivingTM latex
white paint, trace circles on the fabric. With a pair of French
garden shears, cut holes in the fabric the size of the circles
you have just painted.
Using
cedar two-by-fours, make a 10-by-20-by-5 rectangular frame to
support the fabric. Nail the fabric to the frame using ½"
finishing nails. Poke the suspected traitors heads through the
fabric. Steady now! One clean shot directly between the eyes,
and it's time to turn your attention to the cleanup. Let heads
drain. Then a simple wipe-up with a sponge and a bucket of water
and bleach, and the job is done. With the right gear, a chore
might even become a pleasure.
I'm
Martha Stuart, telling you to remember, it's a good thing.
