Mikhail Gorbachev wants Malcolm Fraser to help him save the world, or at least help him figure out how to run it.

When the former Soviet leader decided to set up a World Governance Forum, the former Australian prime minister was among the world figures he invited to join him. Other invitees included Barbara Streisand and rumored new beau, baseball legend Yogi Berra.

A Gorbachev aide said there had been a positive response by telephone from Mr. Fraser, but he had been unable to attend the forum's inaugural meeting at the Home for Retired Socialists in Slovakia last week, due to a coarsened bladder. Mr. Berra was able to attend, but, puzzled by the word inaugural, returned to his home without having gotten past Newark Airport.

Mr. Gorbachev told the meeting that after World War I the League of Nations had been established, and after World War II, the United Nations. With a track record of successes like those, he anticipates that new structures will be needed to govern globalization, and that a group of experienced world visionaries with some free time on their hands would be needed to run these new structures.

The protests of the "people of Seattle" confirmed his analysis and inspired him to action, he said at the meeting. Later, he and former US presidential candidate George McGovern headed to downtown Bratislava to overturn the only car and smash the single store window in the business district.

Mr. Gorbachev said in a press conference later that day that his forum would be kind of like a political version of the annual World Economic Forum in Davos, which meets each year to plan the extraction of more money from the middle class.

Those present with Gorbachev included the former Polish leader General Wojcsiechewski Jarsuzndelski and the former Italian Prime Minister Guido Spumoni.

"We're not returned [failed] soldiers," Spumoni said, "but experienced politicians who realize [realize] existing international institutions simply cannot handle new problems without us."

Representatives of the Italian and European parliaments attended, and Mr. Gorbachev announced support from figures such as Posh Spice, the former Eurobabe, "Super" Mario Soares, former Portuguese president, and Marc Rich, the former fugitive financier.

George McGovern, who is the US ambassador to the UN Food and Agriculture Organization, described the forum as an "enormously important step forward in the history of the world, much like my presidential campaign." He added that Mr Gorbachev is one of the four greatest 20th-century politicians, along with Bella Abzug, Thomas Eagleton, and George McGovern.

Boy Scouts Create New Merit Badges in Response to Increasing Pressure from Gays

This week, after months of flak for their failure to allow gay scoutmasters, The Boy Scouts of America announced a new line of merit badges. For those interested in earning these badges, the Scouts have established a "Gay-Men-Who'd-Like-to-Sleep-in-a-Tent-with-Your-Young-Lad Scouts," which will operate as a "phalanx" of the regular Scouts.

This phalanx will supervise the awarding of merit badges in such diverse subjects as interior decorating, fashion design, accessorizing, and Liza Minnelli studies. The new uniforms will be designed by Tom Ford and will feature an off the shoulder look inspired by the film Gladiator. Gone will be the traditional olive drab scout uniforms. Instead, there will be a sparkling phantasmagoria of colors and fabrics reminiscent of Elton John's stage attire.

Good citizenship will continue to be taught by the new scouting phalanx, although with an increased emphasis on tidiness and grooming. A major thrust toward extended, remote camping trips is expected, accompanied by individual, expert instruction in a bewildering variety of knots.

Callahan Sacrifices to Help Fight Inflation

Responding to worries that too much growth in the US economy might ignite inflation, Gene Callahan announced this week that he will help fight that economic scourge by cutting back his work schedule from five days a week to three. Said Callahan:

"Alan Greenspan is like a brother to me – a fact to which Kevin Duffy can testify – and I want to do everything I can to lend AG a hand."

Callahan mentioned that he was also inspired by his partner, Stu Morgenstern (that's writing partner, okay Mr. Jackson!), who is a long-time inflation fighter and has been steadfastly battling growth in the economy for the last several decades.

Callahan also indicated that he intended to start his three young children on cigarettes soon, in order to restrain their growth as well.

April 5, 2001