The Internet Has Answers for Everything

Why did our smoke alarms go off? That was the question I had to answer at 2:00 AM. I told my wife I'd investigate. The kitchen stove was off, I hadn't left a cigarette burning in an ashtray, the oil furnace was working fine… so what was it? There was only one place to check: the Internet. As everyone says, you can find anything on the Internet.

My first stop was Alta Vista, where I was told to "Ask AltaVista^TM a question." Hmmm, OK... I typed in: "Why did my smoke alarms go off tonight?"

Well, well, well: Alta Vista found 12,530,192 pages for me. I was stunned. Not only did the Internet contain an answer to my question, it contained over 12 million answers! But they couldn't all be the right answer, could they? And even if a number of the sites contained the answer in a general way, some of them must have the answer embedded in a lot of other stuff that I didn't need to know. Furthermore, some of them were probably in Urdu or Bulgarian or something, and I wasn't up for learning an entire foreign language just to figure out a false smoke alarm.

So, I had to refine my search. I got back the following list from Alta Vista to use in the refinement process:
[ ] Alarms, smoke, fire, alarm, detectors, fires, safety, prevention, detector
[ ] Appliances, heaters, heating
[ ] Bedroom, fireplace, kitchen, floors
What would help? They all seemed to fit, in a general sort of way, but I didn't want to get 12 million answers again, so I figured I'd better refine my search somehow. I chose 'Exclude' on the 'Appliances' row, and 'Require' on the 'Alarms' row.

Down to 33,622 sites. I had certainly cut down my browsing time with that maneuver! But since the first site returned came from New South Wales, Australia, I thought I might be able to do better. Even if this site in New South Wales did have the answer, they had to have gotten it from somebody local, now, didn't they? So I might as well try and find the source. And really, what were the odds that word of our mishap had traveled to New South Wales already? After all, it was only about an hour since the alarms had gone off. I'm a busy man, and I didn't want to waste a lot of time on this.

But the next refine list didn't offer much hope. Maybe I had to rethink my whole approach. A hypothesis was what I needed. I could then use my search to confirm or refute it. I added "+poltergeist" to my search string. Nine web pages! I felt sure I was nearly there.

The first site was titled: No. 37 – "Shadow Fall" 6/27/97
What the hell was this about? Some TV show, apparently. I searched the document for "smoke alarm." It wasn't there! I did find out that: "Poltergeist: The Legacy was created by Trilogy Entertainment (executive produced by Trilogy partners: Richard B. Lewis, Pen Densham and John Watson) with Showtime and MGM/UA Trilogy Entertainment." Good to know, sure, but I didn't think it brought me closer to answering why the smoke alarms had gone off.

Should I bother looking at: "Legacy of Damnation: A Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Highlander crossover story. Tons of fun"?

No, I needed information, not fun! How about: SATYRICON AU GO GO: Under the Mexican Moon?

I clicked on the link, but, amazingly enough, this enrapturing tale of alien experimentation did not mention either smoke alarms or poltergeists.

I decided that this whole "Ask Alta Vista a Question" thing might be a bit of a scam. Maybe I was best off venturing out on my own. I tried: +"smoke alarms" +poltergeist

Two documents! I looked at the first one. It contained instructions on effects for your haunted house. I felt that I was trembling on the edge of an answer. Every nerve in my body was tingling with delicious anticipation. Try to imagine my feeling when I read the following line: "... and you may also have to turn off any smoke alarms in the area!"

Well, that certainly was what I had had to do! And there, right in the keywords for the article, was "poltergeist"! This had to be it. I read on.

As the sun busted through a beat-up shade, I returned to our bedroom. My wife was getting ready for work. She said: "You took a long time! Did you find out what the problem was?"

"Sure. We have to use the fog effect more carefully."

"What?"

"Honey, it took a lot of work to figure that out. I can't explain further now. I'm pooped and I need a little shut-eye."

Boy, do I love the Internet.