The
Remote Control:
Technology’s Greatest Triumph
by
Burton S. Blumert
"If
you hang by the neck long enough, you get used to it"
Adjusting
is part of the human condition. If there is a germ of truth in the
"hanging by the neck" maxim, imagine how quickly we adopt
new devices and innovations when they bring improvement to the human
condition.
There
are those walking among us who actually celebrated the arrival of
indoor plumbing, and how soon we have forgotten those funny little
houses on street corners where people made telephone calls.
But
technology’s greatest triumph goes hardly noticed. We can only shudder
thinking about the uncivilized, sub-human practice of manually changing
TV channels. A process so gross it has been erased from the collective
memory.
There
are countless instances of the frustrated viewer, unable to lift
himself out of the stuffed armchair quickly enough, throwing a shoe
at the screen and even some recorded cases of desperate "TV
rage" resulting in a gun being fired at the magic box.
In
my judgment there is no more essential symbol of human progress
than the
wondrous "remote control" device that automatically changes
TV channels.
We affectionately dub it as the "zapper"
What
follows is my t.v. log for the past week demonstrating how the "zapper"
protected my soul and sanity.
Blumert’s
TV Log
"We’re
lucky this morning at Channel 4 to have Father O’Connor, Rabbi Levy
and Reverend Miller with us discussing the need for additional homeless
shelters in the downtown area…
Zap.
"Tom,
it’s a thrill to work with you this afternoon at ESPN. Lacrosse
has been played far longer than baseball and is truly an American
sport. Unfortunately, it has only gained real popularity with an
elite group of Northeast colleges. Our game today is between two
old rivals…."
Zap.
"Zambi’s
remarkable mastery of the zither has thrilled music lovers the world
over. His CDs and tapes are not available in local stores. If you
order
now you will not only receive Zambi’s interpretation of the complete
works of Beethoven but as a bonus we will include his collection
of Indian rhythms from the Brazilian rain forest. Call 800…"
Zap.
"Dr.
Teitlebaum has counseled Hollywood stars on their weight problems
for decades. His "Miracle Diet" is now available to you.
We guarantee you will need an entire new wardrobe in two weeks.
(Dr. Teitlebaum denies charges by the FDA that his formula employs
the use of tapeworms).
Zap.
"At
3 p.m. on CSPAN 2, we will air the Prohibition Party convention.
The session lasts fifty-four minutes and ends with a drunken brawl…(I
made that up).
Zap.
"Today
on Meet the Press we have Senator John McCain. He will discuss his
heroic effort to institute campaign finance reform. David Broder,
Clarence Page and William Safire make up our distinguished panel.
…."
Zap.
A brilliant high-tech pal has programmed my remote so that it automatically
"zaps" the instant the name, image or voice of any of
the following is detected on my TV: Bill
O’Reilly, Christiane Amanpour, Wolf Blitzer, Bill Maher, et al.*
*Send
$1.99 and I will send you Blumert’s V-Chip which blocks out and
thus
protects your family from these undesirables
I
anxiously await the next generation of remote control devices. You
point it at any offensive person or group whether on the street,
in an office, or anywhere, you click, and they disappear.
A
friend suggests that we already have such devices and they are called
guns. He misses the point completely. I don’t wish to hurt or maim.
I just want the object to disappear from my life.
Others
are free to keep my zapped victims or not. Let them do their own
zapping.
April
3, 2001
Burt Blumert is owner of Camino Coins, president of the Center
for Libertarian Studies, and publisher of LewRockwell.com.
©
2001 LewRockwell.com
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