Report from Washington, DC
President "As Of Now" Bush has asked Attorney General Alan Dershowitz to look into reversing the pardons issued by Bill Clinton at the end of his presidency. Dershowitz, selected by Bush as an early gesture toward bipartisanship, growled that some of his best friends were among the pardoned.
Dershowitz was angered by Bush's recent Thanksgiving message to the American public.
The fiery Dershowitz said, "Those Indians at the first Thanksgiving dinner were forced to sit at the children's table and reparations are in order." He threatens to take the case all the way to the Israeli Supreme Court.
Another first: The Sixth US Federal District Court in Richmond, Virginia, will now be open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, holidays included. A court spokesman said, "Justice cannot be blind only during business hours."
Some of the Bush-Gore lawyers seemed puzzled by the statement. Others admitted not knowing what the Hell the guy was talking about, but opinions were unanimous that all day and night court proceedings are definitely a step in the right direction. (Sure, and Arthur Murray dance instructors would vote 'yes' for all night ballrooms at taxpayer expense).
One senior Gore barrister commented: "Midnight basketball has been a terrific success, so why not..." A noisy truck obliterated his last words so fill in the blank yourself.
Relations between Republicans and Democrats reached all-time lows again in the District of Colombia when young suit-and-tie conservatives held a massive sit-in at the Smithsonian Institute. This was clearly a retaliation for the skirmishes at Dulles Airport when a group of lads described as "Democrat thugs" occupied the Control Tower.
In the US Congress things are no better. There has been no civil exchange between the Demos and the Repubs since last year's riot, which ended only when high-pressure water hoses were aimed at the legislators. No future meetings are even planned.
It is rumored that patriot Bo Gritz has offered himself as an intermediary between the warring parties. A reporter reminded Bo that the Democrats kept H. Ross Perot hostage for seven days while he was attempting to intercede. Since then H. Ross has been followed by bands of demonstrators chanting "Perot must go."
The Swiss Ambassador to the US has graciously offered to act as a buffer between the feuding parties. In addition, he will facilitate prisoner exchanges.
One problem that won't go away is how to address the 43rd President. In overturning a Washington, DC, Municipal Court opinion which required George W. Bush to be addressed as "President ‘As of Now' Bush." The Appellate Court changed that to "President ‘Certified By The Florida Secretary of State' Bush."
Both the Washington, DC, Municipal Court and the US Supreme Court were of the view that the term, "Grande Cajones" was undignified and they rejected the use of the expression when applied to either president.
Notwithstanding these momentous legal decisions, ex-Vice President Gore will only respond to staff and family when addressed as "President 'With More Popular Votes' Gore.'"
The drive to lower the voting age to fourteen is gaining momentum. New York Senator Hillary Clinton suggested that if they are old enough to say "no" to drugs, they are old enough to vote. If they don't say "no," they are probably using drugs, and drug users must not be excluded from the voter rolls.
One Republican responded: "It won't be long before they'll be demanding prescription drug relief for teens, and we will all be paying for their anti-pimple medication."
All the while the lawyers keep on truckin'. Attorney David Boies is seeking a court order based on a GSA regulation that would evict the Bush family from the White House. Boies cited as precedent a similar directive two years earlier that dispossessed President Strom Thurmond. (As per the US Constitution, Thurmond served as President for twenty days back in 2001, and US Marshals reported that the old fella refused to leave the White House, and put up quite a struggle claiming the presidency as his birthright since 1948.)
Friends report that Warren Christopher and James Baker have taken their three-year-old road show to eighty-seven different nations, and their next stop is Kabul, Afghanistan.
The Chrisotpher-Baker debate is identical to their early exchanges back in the election of 2000, and immediately puts the audience into a deep sleep.
The performance closes with the grotesque vision of two "alte kackers" wrestling over a butterfly ballot. Claims that the pair broke all tour attendance records set by the Harlem Globetrotters are viewed with some suspicion.
Bill O'Reilly from Fox TV's "O'Reilly Factor" has never approached his old grand style since a heroic guest calmly — as though performing a valued public service — stuffed a microphone into the talk show host's mouth.
From their headquarters in Washington, DC, C-SPAN announced the birth of C-SPAN 8. The new channel will devote its entire schedule to criminal court cases featuring defendants who are government officials. (Brian Lamb did not rule out the possibility of C-SPAN 9 in the future.)
Americans love Hollywood disaster movies about earthquakes, floods, and tornadoes. This summer's smash hit is a different type of disaster picture and it's a candidate for the 2003 Oscars. "The Devastating Destruction Of The Process Whereby America's Leadership is Selected" or "Come See the Naked Power of Second-Rate People As They Lie And Cheat All In The Name Of Democracy". Superbly edited from hundreds of hours of tape from the 2000 presidential election, the film is 185 minutes in length.
Fans of the epic movie with the long title lovingly refer to it as "The Process is Dead, Fred."
"Dead, Fred II" is already in the works by these same prizewinning producers whose "Disaster at Waco" won wide acclaim.
December 13, 2000