FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
WASHINGTON--After months of rigorous debate and calculated scientific inquiry, a panel of ten of the nation's leading scientists approved, in a 9-1 vote, the following conclusion: given the Earth's current position in relation to the Sun and the fabric of spacetime, it is empirically incorrect and philosophically untenable to label this year '1939'. The findings, soon to be released as a coloring book, will be sent to President Bush in response to his recent remarks to the Israeli Knesset. In his speech, Bush implied that the year was 1939 and a numerically insignificant band of terrists was the mighty Wehrmacht.
Presidential candidate Ron Paul preemptively responded to Bush's comments in his bestselling book, "...after being called an isolationist, I was solemnly informed that the course I recommended in Iraq amounted to the same kind of thinking that had led to Hitler! Now, all of us are used to hearing political propaganda, especially in presidential debates, but this really took the cake: were the American people expected to believe that unless they supposed the invasion and occupation of a completely paralyzed Third World country, they were the sort of people who would have given aid and comfort to Hitler?"
This report is largely seen as a vindication of the fringe Paulist position which contends the year is 2008.
The sole dissenting vote came from Fields Medal-winner Ed Witten who declared, "In a world of extreme relativity where up is down and black is white, President Bush is absolutely correct in his assessment. As we cannot discount the existence of such a world, I cannot categorically deny anything."
[Unfortunately, I have to disclaim; this is a parody.]
