Well, after reading last week's linked article on how table manners are getting worse, I did a little informal polling to determine just how bad my table manners actually are by Victorian standards. It turns out, lousy. Fortunately for me, however, I hold Victorian rules of domestic conduct in the highest contempt.
To deal first with one of the worst rules of behavior maintained by Victorians: My local sample was about the same as that in the article which noted that "95 per cent rejected the notion that children should speak only when spoken to." Well thank goodness, but what jerks make up that other 5%? I certainly don't want to meet them.
Maria Montessori was (and sometimes still is) considered revolutionary because she forwarded the assertion that children should be treated like, well, human beings. She thought that adults should facilitate a child's natural love of learning whenever possible. Unfortunately for the Victorians, this means actually letting them lead a conversation now and then, even when the adults are talking about mind-blowingly fascinating topics like the mortgage or what a splendid little anecdote Parson Johnson told when you ran into him on the street today.
Of course Maria Montessori was considered a highly uppity female by Victorian standards. Fortunately, she lived in Italy where they're not big on rules of any kind.
And then there's that rule of "Chewing 32 times before swallowing." Wow, I had never even heard of that one before. Neither had anyone else I polled under the age of 64. I guess that one went out with the generation that also liked rationing potatoes and locking Americans with Japanese surnames up in concentration camps.
I do however, remember being told to put down cutlery between bites. Ok, that's a pretty good rule, and fortunately "only eight per cent thought children should eat everything on their plates." Given that Britain and America have highly dense populations of the rotund, it hardly seems wise to teach children that choking down a few more bites of mashed potatoes, even when full, is a good idea. Fortunately, no one around here thinks that's a good rule either. Except for the over-64 crowd.
Arbitrary and inhuman Victorian rules aside, good manners are very good, but what are they? A wise person once wrote somewhere that being well mannered consists in making other people feel comfortable. Pay attention to your guests. Make them feel welcome. Don't make other people want to vomit when they see you eat.
Another wise person once told me that "you owe it to yourself to look your best." That means (you men) dressing in such a way that I don't see your upper thigh when you sit down or your armpits ever. And women, wear clothes that actually fit. All of us owe it to ourselves to not be strikingly obese.
Finally, I would add that you owe it to yourself to act your best. That is, be friendly, be accomodating, be kind, and be tactful. Be interesting. I don't really care which fork you use to eat your shrimp cocktail.
