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Our
Little Bellum Omnium Contra Omnes
(Read: Kill ’Em All)
DIGG THIS
Save some liberal
wieners and a few ungrateful pinkos, no one in the country would
seriously doubt that a worldwide slaughter of foreigners would make
America safer. While efforts of the heroic Bush administration to
wipe out all the Arabs are certainly a good start, we must not forget
that other countries in the world are evil and we’ve got to settle
their hash.
Before discussing
the litany, it is important to note that this article only provides
a tip of the iceberg. Understanding the vital importance of a pre-emptive
foreign policy, we have resolved to establish an institute to rigorously
pursue this end. Heading up the International Democratic Institute
for Overseas Transplantation will be a cadre of noted
pro-murder
libertarians,
including Randy Barnett, Deroy Murdock, and Ronald Bailey. Other
IDIOT Fellows will include Christopher Hitchens, Rush Limbaugh,
Max Boot, Thomas Sowell, and Sean Hannity. With the Institute in
place to exhaustively target all foreign countries, do not
interpret omissions as implying approval.
We do not seek
world domination; to this end, we are critical of the Bush administration.
We are realists and understand that we will never be able to control
some insubordinates. So instead of costly bureaucracy, why not achieve
control over the entire globe by eliminating every other inhabitant
of it? Half measures will avail us nothing. It is time to own up
to the logical implications of our present foreign policy, not cringe
at them.
America must
become the "terrible swift sword" of the world – a smiter
of all evil and ill will. This sword, of course in the form of nuclear
warheads, will be directed against the following evildoers (among
others):
China – Not
only are these people trying to industrialize,
but they are hosting the Olympics. Didn’t Hitler host the Olympics?
By logical deduction then, the Chinese are crypto-Nazis. It’s 1938
all over again; we cannot appease Hitler. What’s more is that they
are trying to be peaceful. Only democracies are allowed to be peaceful.
Massive human rights violations obviously warrant massive human
rights violations.
Canada – It
is ham; there is no such thing as Canadian bacon. During our first
great war, i.e. the French and Indian, they provided comfort to
the enemy. Moreover, it has become exceedingly difficult to distinguish
Canadians from dull, white Americans. They constitute a natural
fifth column, which will one day overrun us. Better safe than sorry.
Russia – They
are fooling no one with their "surrender." The breaking up of the
Soviet Union was one great political ploy designed at further freezing
the Cold War. While we have been navel gazing, the Soviets have
been assassinating foreign nationals. It’s hard not to admire the
KGB, but IDIOT Fellow David
Frum cautions us not to ignore "the evidence that the Russian
government murdered a British citizen in the British capital with
a radiological weapon." Though Frum doesn’t go far enough. He says:
"If we acknowledged that terrible reality, we would have to do something
about it." He fails to understand that if we do the sort of thing
neo conservatives are advocating for Iran, and defending for Iraq,
there will be Russians who survive an invasion and conventional
bombing.
Germany – One
word: Hitler. As supreme enemies of liberty, Germans will never
change. There are still legions of Holocaust deniers running around
spouting their pernicious vitriol and singing "Du Hast."
What alternative do we have other than the bomb? Allowing this anti-Semitism
to continue would be unconscionable.
Vatican City
– Let us not forget that the leader of this country is a theocrat,
installed by elitist
oligarchs. The Catholic Church is not a democratic institution
and dogma is decided upon by gospel missive, not majority.
Israel – Truly
a socialist country. As pro-war libertarians, we resent their socialism.
The latest chapter in this sorry story is that they have adopted
price controls for bread.
We’ll have to forcibly teach these people that free markets and
private property are the last best hope for mankind.
South America
– As noted political philosopher Randy Newman points out, "they
stole our name" and thus a nuclear first strike is the only
appropriate response to this unjust linguistic theft. Yet if the
unpatriotic have further doubts, let us not forget that we would
not have cocaine, Che tee shirts, and immigrants had it not been
for this horrid land.
India – It’s
now our turn to outsource. Why should Sanjay steal the job of Steve?
Because it is more economical and conducive to a global division
of labor? Because it engenders world peace? Those things are clearly
anti-American. Just as the New Yorker should only purchase goods
manufactured within his island or the Peorian only purchase Peorian
products, so too should Americans buy American. Exportation is evil,
importation, insidious.
Africa – They
are continually killing each other in tribal genocidal warfare.
Let us help them out, in this regard. Who says we are against foreign
aid? No more people means no more genocide – we just choose to drop
our foreign aid from 50,000 feet in the air in the form of tactical
nuclear warheads.
Syria – This
low-lying fruit of a country is ripe, but not for a picking,
no, this would imply some sort of desire to govern this veritable
Islamofascistan. Who are these Arabs to stand against U.S. aspirations?
Let us show them, in the only way these heathens will understand,
what it means to mess with the good old U.S. of A.
We have the
means to kill all these people; we simply lack the will.
George Bush,
we implore you to accept our modest proposal! Don’t label us as
traitors though; you have made a valiant effort. But your
efforts so far should only be considered the first, timid steps.
This is the fundamental problem with neo-conservatism – it’s a doctrine
that takes too much pleasure in watching death up-close. It is true
that our policy will lead to quick, painless extermination, and
we can certainly understand the outrage over at National Review,
but it is the only way. Bush can have his personal pleasure from
Iraq, Iran, and Afghanistan, but this is a narrow, limited, and
provincial strategy. We are the only true globalists.
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Please
note: this is a parody.
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July
31, 2007
Dr.
Block [send him mail] is a
professor of economics at Loyola University New Orleans, and a senior
fellow of the Ludwig von Mises Institute. He is the author of Defending
the Undefendable. Max Raskin [send
him mail] goes to high school in New Jersey.
Copyright
© 2007 LewRockwell.com
Walter
Block Archives
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