The
Economics of Weddings –
Society’s Love Affair with Lavish, Unaffordable Weddings
by
Bill Barnwell
by Bill Barnwell
Well,
it happened last Sunday. I got engaged. On December 3rd
Pastor Bill will be a bachelor no more. This is exciting in many
ways but now starts the long process of planning a wedding. During
my several years of full-time ministry I mostly stayed away from
being involved in planning and officiating weddings. Those outside
my church who have approached me later backed away when they found
out that they would have to go through 5–6 pre-martial counseling
sessions and that I actually expected them to put God first in their
relationships. Now as I begin to plan my own wedding, it has become
clearer than ever that many couples’ long (or short) march towards
divorce accelerates quickly right at the time of engagement. For
many couples, the planning of the wedding is their first major step
in financial mismanagement and shows how little they know or understand
about economics, savings, responsibility, and what it even takes
to make a marriage work.
In
the past 50 years, the average age of marriage has been pushed back
dramatically. It wasn’t unusual 50 years ago for people 19 and 20
to get married and to be able to handle it. It was much more practical
back then. Today, it’s very difficult to get married before one
or both people finish college (though not impossible). Not only
has marriage been pushed back for college, but now more and more
people are attending graduate school. The biggest problem people
face in their post-high school years is that younger people just
can’t afford a marriage or a family off of their meager incomes.
Costs of living in all areas have soared making it harder to get
married younger. Then of course there has just been an erosion of
values. For many couples today, living together before marriage
is not rare. Having sex before marriage is the norm. Therefore,
there’s no particular rush to the altar, even if a couple has been
together for years, because they can live and act like they are
married anyway without the spiritual and legal commitments.
Even
amongst the educated college educated crowd, 20-somethings are more
immature today than ever. Many are still largely dependant on mom
and dad. The transition between adolescence and adulthood is taking
longer and longer. According to a USA Today in a recent article,
the
time to grow up is later. Then suddenly after years of this
nonsense they decide they are ready to grow up and get married.
But their decisions when planning their weddings show they haven’t
wised up much.
Whether
it’s getting married too young without proper means of support or
getting married during this extended period of mid to late 20’s
"adolescence" there are problems. Immediately at the time
of engagement, the wedding day becomes an idol which everything
else revolves around. The focus for many of these immature couples
is not their whole life together, but a fairy-tale ceremony and
reception.
There’s little or no pre-marital counseling. Little or no real financial
planning. Little or no vision for the future beyond the wedding
day. Little or no common sense.
One
of the hugest mistakes these couples will make off the bat is trying
to have a wedding that well exceeds their (and both their families’)
means. According to most studies, the average cost for a wedding
in the United States is $18,000–$25,000,
with some parts of the country even exceeding that astronomical
total. Couples typically spend several thousand on rings, 7–8
thousand on their reception, and thousands more on pictures, videos,
flowers, etc. I’ve yet to see one study show how any of this dramatically
improves the long-term health and stability of a marriage. What
it does do is teach couples before they are even married how to
be financially irresponsibly.
Now
I’m not saying couples should have tacky weddings and that those
who can afford these lavish festivities shouldn’t have them. However,
I’m not sure even if I did have that kind of money to burn that
I would want to invest my money like that anyway. Another question
is whether all of this is necessary for a nice wedding or whether
"traditional wedding etiquette" can be trumped by making
smart financial and relational decisions.
Let’s
first consider the wedding reception. My fiancé and I found
a hall that charged 20 bucks per plate, which is really isn’t bad
at all compared to a lot of rates. Having 200 guests is not hard,
particularly when the guy is on staff at a church of 150 people.
But let’s just say both bride and groom each invite 100 people at
twenty dollars a plate. That comes out to $4,000 before taxes are
added. That also doesn’t include decorations, liquor (which most
couples waste a couple extra grand on), a DJ, and any other forms
of entertainment. So let’s just take the average total of $7,600
on a reception. Is that really the best way a couple can
spend their (or their parents’) money at the start of their marriage?
You’ve
basically just spent thousands of dollars so that your guests can
eat food and cake, and drink liquor. In any other circumstance that
would be seen as madness but to the average couple this is an essential
expenditure. Forget savings, college loan repayments, a down payment
on a house, putting money towards a car, stock investments, or any
number of other ways that money can be spent. Cake and punch for
everyone!
Most
couples and their families strain to put on this type of event.
Even planning a smarter, more economically wise wedding takes tons
of time and consideration, but couples working towards their dream
wedding are totally consumed with all the details. They spend more
and more cash they don’t have or at the very least shouldn’t be
spending. When they start their marriage they start with little
in their savings account because they spend so much on their wedding.
Even if they have wealthy or generous friends who give financial
gifts for the wedding, they still have 18-25 thousand less than
they could have had before going on their mad spending spree. How
about having a trimmed down wedding without the wild spending, receiving
the same gifts, and going into your marriage with a much better
financial picture?
If
you plan on spending 20 grand on a wedding, why not budget for 10
grand instead and put the remaining money towards a down payment
on your first home together? Or maybe upgrade and get a more reliable
car? Do either of you have any debt? Well, don’t create more debt
for yourself. Instead, begin to budget to work your way out of debt.
Remember, his debt becomes your debt. Her debt becomes yours. Why
not think of ways to ease your financial burdens instead of creating
new ones.
There
are all kinds of ways you could spend that kind of money if you
do indeed have it available. If you’re thinking about getting married,
or have a child who is, you have to decide whether cake, lavish
rings, alcohol and a several-hour party is the best way to spend
your funds. Most couples apparently decide it is. They also don’t
think much beyond their wedding ceremony and their general compatibility
together which is why so many marriages are in trouble before they
even happen. Lavish, economically unwise weddings you can’t afford
are a recipe for financial disaster and go to show how short-sighted
and immature many couples are. Even for marriages that do last,
wisdom does not seem to increase as is evidenced by our national
love affair with credit, borrowing, living well above our means,
and only being one or two paychecks from bankruptcy.
My
bride to be and I have said no way to all of this. We’re
going to go through a series of pre-martial counseling sessions.
We’ve set a modest budget for a wedding, but we are determined to
make it nice and enjoyable for everyone in attendance. But the main
focus is not everyone else. The main point of this wedding is solemnizing
our relationship before God and starting our lives together. Not
spending thousands of dollars to feed people mediocre meals. Here’s
how we are going about things:
My
grandmother had a beautiful multiple-diamond ring she wanted one
of her grandchildren to have. That became her engagement ring. Not
everyone will have free rings available to them or would want to
use an "old" ring. That’s fine and understandable, but
again, the same economic principals apply. Spend wisely. She loves
the ring and it’s much better than anything I could afford. In regards
to the actual wedding rings we are going to get two simple, but
nice gold bands.
We’re
going to have an 11:00AM wedding with a reception starting at 1
PM that will go till dinner time. We know a place a couple miles
from the church where the organization is giving me an excellent
deal on their business hall. The hall is new and very nice, though
it’s not a traditional wedding hall. But so what. We’re providing
our own food. We’re going to serve hors d’oeuvres, sandwiches, cake
and beverages. No alcohol. We’ll have a DJ and maybe even a couple
musicians I know playing music for entertainment. Her and her bridesmaids
are making a lot of their own decorations. We’re not going to spend
excessively on flowers. We’re going to have an amateur video made
(how many of you ever watch your wedding video that you spent all
that money on?). We’re going to talk to a couple amateur photographers
we know who do a good job. Basically, we plan on saving a ton of
money rather than going the "traditional route" and we
don’t care what "traditional wedding etiquette" says we
should or shouldn’t do. This way we can keep our 200–225 guests
and not go broke in the process. Our budget? Not to exceed $7,000.
And the way things are mapped out, after invitations, flowers, food,
and all the rest, it’s very reasonable and obtainable. It will be
a nice wedding, not tacky, but one that is cost-effective.
There
are all kinds of other options available also. Be creative. Is having
a reception that important to you? Perhaps just have a nice meal
at your church. Maybe eloping would be more romantic. It all depends
on your own personal tastes and circumstances. The important thing
is just make sure you are both ready for marriage, know what it
means to make a marriage work, have taken the necessary steps for
planning, and begin by making a commitment of financial responsibility
for your marriage.
You
may think I’m being cheap. I think I’m being smart. The bottom line
is that while I want a nice wedding for her, I’m more concerned
about our lives together. I’m more concerned about what happens
after the wedding ceremony and having a healthy, stable marriage
with the girl that I love and want to share my life with. Could
I afford to spend more money than we’ve budgeted? Sure. I just would
rather invest that money in other ways, and we’ll still have a nice
wedding day anyway.
Other
couples should also maybe take a look at what they consider to be
their dream weddings and see if what they desire is really affordable
and smart money management. If not, maybe they should take another
look at things. Besides, what is more important? Smart planning
about spending your entire lives together? Or your fairy-tale wedding
day that you can’t even afford?
The
economic consequences for couples’ unwise planning and spending
are disastrous both to them and society at large. By going the traditional
route when they can’t afford it, many couples put unneeded strains
on their families, who sometimes foot the bill. More often than
not, however, the couple themselves are footing a large part of
the bill themselves (or all of it), and need to learn a thing or
two about smart investing, budgeting, and other economic essentials
before they walk down the isle. Even more importantly, they need
to spend less time planning their big party and more time learning
about what it takes to make a marriage work.
 In
the end, Americans’ collective bad relational and financial decisions
that start at (or even before) engagement pave the way to financial
mismanagement during marriage, poor parenting skills, less happiness
and satisfaction, and sky-high divorce rates. This affects the entire
culture we live in. It’s time for everyone to grow up and make smart
decisions indeed. The economic consequences for both the couple
and society are too high to do otherwise.
May
18, 2005
Bill
Barnwell [send him mail]
is a pastor in Flushing, Michigan. He spent most of his undergraduate
college career studying politics and government before feeling called
to the ministry. He has completed a Master of Ministries degree
and is currently working towards a Master of Arts in Theological
Studies degree at Bethel College in Mishawka, Indiana.
Copyright
© 2005 LewRockwell.com
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