The Feminization of Men

by Bill Barnwell
by Bill Barnwell

Whatever happened to the virtue of masculinity? It is long gone if today's popular culture is any indicator. There was once an era where a man was supposed to be a man. He looked like a man, he talked like a man and he acted like it. Not so anymore. Today, if you want to be an appealing, attractive male, then you had better feminize yourself, and feminize yourself quick. It reminds me of a joke I used to tell my friends in high school: "If you want to get chicks, you have to act like one sometimes." The sad part is, while we laughed, I knew in the back of my mind that there was a good deal of truth to my quip.

What basis do I have for saying these things? Let's look at the eternal cat and mouse game of mating and dating. The art of attracting the opposite sex is in some ways analogous to the free market. What is considered attractive changes as time goes on. Men and women must adapt with these changes as time goes on. Mullets and tight jeans typically do not attract many females these days (they used to!); instead they evoke jokes and laughter. Just like in the free market, where the worker has to adapt and learn new skills or be left behind, men and women are forced to adapt to the changing standards of what is considered appealing or they will be left without a mate.

Each sex puts on his or her best face and packages themselves to attract the opposite sex. What do women find attractive today? Sissies. Women are CONSTANTLY trying to get men to look more like women. Dye or highlight your hair, be real slim and wear form-fitting clothing, get an earring, get rid of excess body hair, etc etc etc. If you look at the average teen magazine or other periodical directed towards 13–30 year olds, take a look at the men, er, boys that they feature. There is always some scrawny, smiling twit, with messy highlighted hair wearing tight clothing or the preppy sissy outfits peddled by the likes of American Eagle or Abercrombie, with his cute little earring and totally smooth body, devoid of any chest or other body hair. If you ask me, they look more like yuppies from San Francisco, yet this is what passes as "hot" to the average young female.

Well, if young women are trying to get young men to be more feminine, are young men trying to get women to be more masculine? Absolutely not! Do you see men encouraging women to cut all their hair off (even though short hair catches on with a lot of girls since it is easier to manage in the mornings), work out and bulk up, wear baggy and masculine looking clothing, remove their makeup, and not be so concerned about shaving their legs? No and you won't be seeing that anytime soon. For the most part, guys still prefer women to look and act like women.

If I'm wrong then what exactly was that whole boy band craze about? A bunch of singing and dancing pretty boys who when they weren't whining in their songs about the girl they loved or missed tried to occasionally act like bad boys? And what is this whole Abercrombie thing all about? What ridiculous clothes. You can go into there or American Eagle and pay an outrageous amount of money for silly shirts with numbers, icons, symbols and other strange things that don't make sense with a little yuppie twist to them. If you ask me, their clothing is way overpriced and not that good. But guys will continue to open up their wallets, because it allows them to look like wimps and that's what girls want. Then you can add the cute little white hats (with the college initials on them) that a lot of guys wear, add some blonde streaks to your hair, throw on an earring, and bam, you can be completely sissified and attract women to you.

Now just because women want guys to look like wimps doesn't mean they want them to totally act like wimps. Indeed, acting like a total wimp will never get you a girl. Women hate guys they can walk all over and who appear weak. Instead you have to be a hybrid of "sensitive – confident bordering on cocky." That is what works best. A girl likes it if a guy isn't afraid to show some emotion, and if he cries, you better believe all her friends will know about it the next day. But if crying is the norm for the guy, he will reenact the Exodus with the women around him. No, a girl likes a guy who is sensitive but strong. Humble but cocky. Nice but arrogant. They like a little of both extremes, tailored to a nice middle ground approach. It is the great contradiction, but my observations show this is what women want. Some even like it if a man is a total arrogant jerk. They like a man with a little bit of edge. Sometimes it seems that the worse a man treats a woman, the more she likes him. And the saying that nice guys finish last is totally true! I know a lot of girls who have dumped a guy in the past because he was "too nice." It's ridiculous, but that's how the female mind thinks. Being too nice is apparently not very exciting, or a sign of weakness. You should be nice, but don't be afraid to let the jerk in you come out sometimes. This is what girls want.

So in conclusion, young women want a man who has feminine physical traits, but a combination of feminine and masculine character traits. It is in many ways a contradiction, and the seeking male has to walk a fine line between looking like a sissy and actually being a sissy. The proper balance between being a wuss and being a loudmouth tough guy must be maintained. In any event, the reign of the macho Marlboro man is gone. In is the fake, prissy looking little girly-boys like Justin Timberlake, who's silly attempt to be a cross between George Michael and an African-American bad boy isn't fooling anybody but a bunch of idiotic girls.

Those of us single men who do not like the way this trend is going are forced to do one of three things: (1) Sell out and pretty ourselves up, (2) Bite the bullet and refuse to feminize ourselves and attract a fewer number of women to ourselves than we could if we sold out, and (3) Find some sort of middle ground. Option number three is what I have done. I have highlighted my hair, but refuse to dye it. I will wear the occasional form-fitting clothing, but earrings are out of the question. I like to be slim and slender, but I’m not about to start shaving my chest. It has worked fairly well, I attract a decent number of women without totally losing my dignity, but I know I could be much more successful if I went the whole nine yards. Some may compare me to a neoconservative. The neoconservative practices an apostate version of traditional conservatism while attempting to hold on to some of the old values and ideas. You can say I am doing that with my masculinity. The difference is one’s appearance is much more likely to attract someone of the opposite sex than his or her political philosophy. And as I started earlier, it is not to any single mans advantage to be like the old mercantilist who refused to adapt to the economic times. We are being forced to adapt, painful as it is.

Hopefully one day we can go back to acting like true men.

September 1, 2003

Bill Barnwell [send him mail] is a pastor in Swartz Creek, Michigan and a Master’s of ministry student at Bethel College. He’s 22, handsome, and yes, ladies, he is still single.

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