I was… hang on while I get a grip… a TSA Porn Star.

Yes! It’s out! I allowed the TSA to photograph my uh… "Dignity." You may line me up against a wall and stone me to death whenever you wish.

Like most vice rackets, Big Brother sucks the innocuous into a void of despair and degradation. I am no exception. Such are the perils of the Modern Traveler. Be warned… the same thing could happen to you.

Let me tell you my tale of woe worthy of a Huddie Ledbetter blues song.

Recently I rolled the dice and boarded a flight back into the Land of the Free… America. You bet your bottom dollar I was scared. I’m always scared when I venture back into the world’s only Super Power. How will I be abused this time? Let me count the ways. I could be interrogated by whatever means Big Brother sees fit regardless of my rights as a U.S. "citizen." That actually means… I can’t really leave easily. I prefer the term: "U.S. Prisoner — First Class, Elite Access."

But hey… I love my country. I just don’t love what has happened to my government and society since the invention of Rampant Paranoia… or the takeover of the Republican Party.

As you all may be suspecting by now, I speak of the airport security check. As I left the island of Grand Cayman, which I often refer to as: The Rock in the Middle of the Caribbean, I had to go through airport security. "Do you want me to take my shoes off?" I asked expectantly. "No, that won’t be necessary" they laughed, the absurdity obvious.

However, upon return to the U.S., I had to transfer planes and go through the passport check and TSA security. A whole different ballgame. Time to pop another prescription Happy Pill. Oddly the passport check has become easier and more humane over the last few years. It’s as if they figured it out. It’s all a joke. I’m not Muhammad the Mad Bomber… and frankly neither is Muhammad.

However, my carry-on luggage, clothing and "dignity" must be scrutinized!

As usual, by this time in the trek to Los Angeles I am bordering on a state I can only refer to as: "stoopider than usual." I don’t do well with the fatigue of air travel.

So please do not hold it against me that I foolishly followed the harmless elderly couple returning from what could very well be their last and only tropical vacation. They went to The Wrong Line. Well, what could any of us do? A TSA goon with a disturbingly brown shirt was directing us to the Aisle of Humiliation. Who can blame him for wanting to be sure no "terrerists" (yes, this was in Texas) were a sneakin’ in. Ma and Pa Kettle sure did look like they had somethin’ to hide, maybe a Cayman Islands shot glass or a couple T-shirts for the grand kids. Maybe they even had some "Turtle Farm" refrigerator magnets!

Ma and Pa were nearly bludgeoned as Mr. America forced them to remove any and all metal, trusses and dentures from their personage, empty their pockets, etc. It must have held up my interrogation half an hour. And I had a connecting flight! Damn our respected elders!

One at a time Ma and Pa were forced to stand motionless in the TSA Peep Show Booth, a throng of drooling Republican Congressmen ogling the screen. Well… at least they weren’t in Washington "working."

Okay, okay… I know the images make you look like one of those aliens from Close Encounters of the Third Reich but… come on! These vacationing American retirees lived through WW II and now, they are treated like (fill in the rude vernacular of your choice) by some whippersnapper with Federally granted power and a "badge." What ever happened to the phrase: "Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges!?" Anyway… where can I get some of that clout?

NEXT! Oh… is it my turn? How lucky!

Fair dinkum, to use some alien vernacular sure to get me an orange jumpsuit. I’m "happy" to oblige. I placed my shoes into a bin for the X-Ray machine just like my fourteen-year-old son was ordered to place his flip-flops last summer. And that, Gentle Reader, is not a joke. You know, explosive flip-flop could blow up a seat cushion. Well it is a joke… but it’s also a pathetic and tragic fact. Anyway, my jacket, my laptop and my laptop case all went into separate bins of course and my guitar went on the belt. Now a good solid Gibson Les Paul could indeed be used as a weapon! Fortunately, that never occurred to them.

"DO YOU HAVE A BELT ON?!" Mr. Happy asked cordially. "No" I replied. "WHAT ABOUT YOUR POCKETS! LOOSE CHANGE! A BELT BUCKLE!" Evidently, Mr. Happy did not hear my answer about the belt. But then, maybe other people wear belt buckles without belts. What do I know? I’m just a "citizen."

I tried to stay calm. "I’ve done this before." I lied. I’ve never been in the Peep Show before. Until this trip I’ve been alert enough to avoid them. But, I have been through the metal detectors. I do not travel with a belt on or anything in my pockets… including quarters.

I apologized for not having the dignity and foresight to wear my Birthday Suit. This comment was ignored. But, why bother? The TSA will "ask" me to do wear that in a year or two. If not, technology is bound to solve the problem… like the Peep Shows in Manchester, England. Hey… let them decide as I always say. After all, it’s like an audition isn’t? Who knows what opportunities lay ahead? I’ve always wanted to work in the movie industry.

Alas, I was not complemented on my co-operation and knowledge of how to stand, legs akimbo, feet on the marked spots, hands raised as if Marshall Dillon had the draw on me. It took an excruciatingly long time. I have no idea why. I have no piercings, wear no rings even on my fingers and do not stuff blocks of C4 explosives or cheese down my pants. I have no idea what they found so fascinating about me to hold me there so long. Maybe I should take is as a compliment?

Thoughts of an attractive woman wanting fun date danced in my head like Sugar Plumb Nubiles. I was delusional. I assume the preevert who got paid 25 cents per view… in quarters… was a man, maybe even Italy’s Prime Minister of Lust, Silvio Berlusconi. Fortunately, I’m not his type.

But no. I did not even get a polite "thank you, sorry for the humiliation." Nor did I get a hot date with one of Berlu’s Beauties. Nevertheless, I survived… my dignity exposed.

And guess what? The TSA never found any AK-47s inserted into any of the passengers. At least we’re all "safe" thanks to the TSA Peep Show! But… where are my photos?

October 20, 2009

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

The Best of Tom Chartier

Anyway, before you expand on World Peace by shipping 40,000 more gun-toting goober eaters off to Afghanistan so they can escalate "peace" with Pakistan and create more war, let’s step back and re-evaluate your first peace promise; closing down Guantanamo Sea Side Spa and Resort.

We may not be reading all that much about Gitmo these days but it’s still offers endless free Time Shares. Yeah, yeah, I know, shutting down a proven money-waster is not that simple. How does one stop a runaway train on a circular track? The problem is what to do with all the Gitmo Guests?

What a nuisance this racket of buying "terrorists" who were often hapless schmucks, from corrupt bounty hunters has turned out. How can you tell the real nasty guys from the farmers and goat herders? Uh… by trial? Ha! Don’t make me laugh. Habeas Corpus? Due Process? Lucky for you, Bro Bama, your predecessor did away with such quaint antiquities. Too much hassle and expense. Not enough Executive Freedom. Besides, nobody who donates to campaign funds wants to see such things as The Law properly enforced. Best to stash all the Gitmo Guests away where they can be forgotten. Americans are good at forgetting things they don’t like. Like remember that year when… uh… who was it that… oh never mind. I forget.

But where do we stash a bunch of illegally incarcerated Muslim peasants? Sure, it’s deuced hard to visit anybody in Gitmo and for that reason it’s the perfect choice. But… we know about it and you did promise to close it Dude. It’s time for a new Black Hole of Calcutta, which might be a good choice actually.

But let’s be realistic. This sure is a quandary. Well, I’m here to help. I have a cunning plan worthy of International Recognition!

England’s current Prime Idiot, Gordon Brown has decided to sell off England. Yes! There is an opportunity for investment in the Land of the Bard!

Surprise, surprise, England too needs cash, maybe more than we do. So time to dump the Family Jewels… uh… I mean the Crown Jewels. Okay, well… they’re not that desperate yet but things like the Channel Tunnel and the government’s investment in Urenco Group are up for grabs. Oh… in case you didn’t know, Urenco makes fun gadgets for spinning uranium thus making it pack a bigger wallop. They also employed our Man from Pakistan, Dr. Abdul Qadeer Khan… uh… he’s the wise guy who sold all that nuclear technology which is now making… uh… you, as well as a few others… very nervous. You might want to buy that stock in case Iran places an order for centrifuges with Urenco Group.

Anyway, PM Brown’s master plan is to raise sixteen billion British Pounds. And you thought Tone Blair was a nimrod! Isn’t it nice to have a like-minded colleague in The Old Country? My guess is everything and anything can be snagged right now at a low, low price! It’s a bargain basement British blowout!

What does this have to do with Gitmo? I’ll tell you. Right in the heart of London is the perfect high-rise condo complex suitable to stash our Gitmo Guests. It’s called The Tower of London!

Yeah baby! Groovy digs. Think of the advantages. You can say honestly… for a change… "I closed Guantanamo!" You can set up all those threatening "terrorists" in the height of style in an historic edifice of some real bona fide torture and misery! What a better use for The Tower?

England has been wasting its potential since Winnie The Pooh and Piglet battled the Heffalumps and Woozels. The Tower has been used as… and I shudder at the thought… a tourist attraction and that’s all! Hell no! That was never the idea. However, that need not come to an end. Abdul the Camel Salesman can hang by his ankles all day and scream "death to the infidels" in Arabic, which seems appropriate, and you can tell the eager throngs of tourists he’s a professional actor. They’ll never know. Hey, make the transplanted Gitmo Guests pay for their time in The Tower… now under new management!

Barack Dude, it’s a win-win golden opportunity in the cause of International Peace for which you are so famous, if I understand my Double Speak. Gitmo gets shut down and you can stage a draw and quartering ceremony. Good PR you know. All the locked up "terrorists" can start new and exciting careers re-enacting scenes from Merry Olde England. Now is the winter of Abdul’s discontent. Who knows, maybe one or two of them actually are terrorists and mortal threats to the United States of America! Just kidding. And if properly managed… my little sense of humor… The Tower of London just might turn a tidy profit for some of those corporate campaign donators.

Step right up, Bro Bama! Don’t lose your head over this opportunity but you don’t want to leave it hanging. It’s prime real estate with a purpose.

October 16, 2009

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

The Best of Tom Chartier

My, my. The War On Terror may be over… well, renamed… but the War On Drugs sure has spread. I wonder if there ever will be an end to it. Either way, Drug Lords! For shame, Uncle Scam better get some of those Special Forces dudes in there toot sweet and take ‘em out pronto! Can’t have heroin flooding our impoverished and neglected ghettos of forgotten and disposable people now can we? And God forbid that Afghan Drug Lords are funding the Taliban!

And that my friends is exactly where the absurdity lies.

Just what is the Taliban? Silly question? Not at all. By this point in time most Americans think of the Taliban as those radical Islamofacists who perpetrated 911. Hardly. That was another group, not the Taliban. Way back when the evil USSR commie pinkos were bogged down in Afghanistan threatening the free world, the Taliban was heralded as "Freedom Fighters" by our omnipotent and wise Executive Branch. Let’s see was that during the days of Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan or both? Oh who cares? But now, they are evil threats to the free world. Gosh, I wonder what changed their minds? Maybe it was… the drugs?

Just to brush up on our Afghanistan history a bit, the Soviet Union spent a heap of time, money and lives to control Afghanistan. It didn’t work out. They cut their loses and high-tailed it for Siberia. Chaos ensued as usually happens when an occupying force tucks its tail between its legs and makes a run for it. Out of the ashes the Taliban triumphed! Yeah! Freedom was victorious! Law and order returned! AND… the Afghan heroin industry was shut down completely.

Say what? No smack? Nope. It was tough times for many a blithering junkie quaking and sweating in back alleys all across America and the free world. How could this happen?

Simple, as we all know or should know if we keep up on our infotainment propaganda, the Taliban are hard core Islamic fundamentalists who adhere to a strict form of Shariah, Islamic Law. You see… that’s why we are told they are evil. Hm… I wonder about that too. But what does Shariah say about drugs? Let me explain as simply as I can. According to Shariah, intoxicating substances are strictly verboten! Good devout Muslims do NOT get hammered at the Meat Market Swill Hole downtown every Friday night! And surprise, surprise, they do not blow coke, smoke dope and shoot smack.

Drugs are something the Taliban has taken a very serious and very dim view of. Given their devotion to fundamentalist Islam, I doubt that opinion is ever likely to change.

And now according to a Pentagon report to the Senate, Afghan Drug Lords are channeling money to… the Taliban? And the Taliban are taking it? I find this a real stretch of the imagination.

True, there is a saying in the Middle East that: "the enemy of my enemy is my friend." Okay, well, the U.S. Armed forces in Afghanistan are certainly enemies of both the Drug Lords and the Taliban so… I suppose for the time being, it’s just possible the Taliban are accepting dirty drug money to fund their resistance. It’s possible. And I suppose it’s possible the Drug Lords who have been more in cahoots with The Northern Alliance, "the good guys" formerly known as: "the bad guys," have now switched sides. It’s possible the Afghan Drug Lords now are rooting for the exact group of people who will chop off their heads for trafficking in a substance specifically prohibited in the Qur’an; The Taliban. It’s possible.

It’s also possible the big bailouts will save the economy; Health Care will be reformed… or created to be more honest; I will get cash for my clunker and end up with a good car instead of another clunker. But… it’s more possible all the Pentagon brains behind this Drug Lord—Taliban connection have been dancing around brainless in the world of the poppy fields.

What a shocking revelation! I think this is probably the case, don’t you?

August 11, 2009

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

The Best of Tom Chartier

Is it just me or is it hot outside? I swear I haven’t seen a penguin in these parts since… forever. But then, I live in the Northern Hemisphere. Okay, well I haven’t seen a puffin in these parts either! Oh yeah… I almost forgot. I live in the tropics and it’s always hot here. We don’t have puffins anyway. Nevertheless, things are warming up all over.

You may not actually notice any Global Warming since the rate is incrementally minute over a long period of time. Only scientists with carefully measured data and Al Gore can see it. As such, not everybody is convinced. Some folks consider Global Warming to be a hoax, a scam or the latest scare tactic. Even members of the scientific community can’t agree.

Is Global Warming real? Is it just part of nature’s cycles? Is it a man-made catastrophe the result of all the gunk we dump into the air? Or is it just a lot of hot air?

I don’t know and choose not to enter the debate. I get enough heat from happy readers who want to exterminate me to go courting more trouble. However, it’s probably best to hedge one’s bet on the "made-made" side in the offhand chance Global Warming is our fault and can be fixed. I for one would prefer to stave off the rise of the Mantis People and Roach Republic for a few extra million years if possible. Apologies to all you entomologists.

Assuming that all our cars, industries and blowhard "elected officials" are to blame for what may be an early extinction of humanity what do we do?

That’s a simple question to answer. We need to cut down on the number of cars, smog-belching factories and long-winded diatribes. Unfortunately that’s easier said than done. We could adjourn all sessions of Congress permanently. But that’s just not going to be enough, despite the immediately apparent improvement of air quality over Washington DC. All those gas-guzzlers, gas-misers and coal burning gristmills need to be reined in.

Hm… I’m not sure anybody is going to have any luck in plugging up the exhaust pipes of Big Money and "progress." In this wacky dysfunctional system of ours, where there’s a buck to be made all morality is all too often tossed out on the landfill or burned at the dump… as we have seen recently.

Well… who can blame the greedy bastards for cranking out five-ton Family Truckster SUVs? They get ten miles per gallon and have been all the rage with busy Moms so they can drive Scooter to his soccer game. As W.C. Fields said: "It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money."

The problem is we have too many suckers. In other words, the Earth is over populated with humanity. Think of it like that aquarium packed with guppies, mollies and platies breeding without any checks and balances from some good predators… like Piranha. Those of you who have been through this heartbreaking scenario know all too well, one day you get up and the tank has crashed. Everybody is belly up and it stinks worse than the latest economic recovery initiative.

Okay master, I have a cunning plan. Are you ready? No need to panic. It’s called Swine Flu! Yes, folks gather ’round as I explain the new miracle cure for Global Warming! Let Mother Nature fix herself. Cull the herd! Reduce the surplus population! Embrace the coming pandemic of epic proportions! Bring out your dead!

You ask: How can I help use Swine Flu to cleanse the Earth and put an end to Global Warming? After all, you do want to secure good times for future generations. How can the overworked mom or the dutiful breadwinner dad contribute to the cause?

I understand the eager desire to help out and the confusion. No need for alarm. With a few simple steps you too can become another Typhoid Mary or in this case a Swine Flu Bobby.

First, never, never wash your hands! That’s one of the big no-nos. Filthy hygiene does wonders in spreading plagues and that’s the goal. Also avoid wearing those silly blue or white surgical masks. How can you spread or contract a good deadly virus while wearing a surgical mask? You don’t see Ebola victims in Africa wearing them do you? Heck no!

Next, you’re feeling a bit woozy. The sniffles have turned into a painful cough coupled with a mild fever of 103 F. Your doctor has advised you to rest in bed, drink plenty of fluids and take Tylenol. Hogwash! Now’s the time you can really do some good in spreading Swine Flu! You are infected! You lucky stiff.

It’s time to get out and about. Go to work. Shake hands with all the people you meet. Smile and be boisterous, you are a carrier. As such, the time is right to book a flight to Orlando, Florida and visit Disney World. It’s hard to beat a long flight for spreading around a good viral infection. Once you’ve seen all there is to see, done all there is to do and passed out in a state of delirium on all the attractions at Disney World, how about spreading the love with a Caribbean Cruise? Visit all the islands you can. Trust me, islanders are sitting ducks for viruses like Swine Flu. I should know. And besides, you may never get another chance to visit anywhere once the Grim Reaper comes knocking on your door and you do want to go happy, right?

In all likelihood, Swine Flu will be about as deadly as any number of annual flu viruses that sweep around the world several times a year. A few people always die but most of us simply get sick and feel like something the cat refused to eat for a week or two. All the hoopla may just be more fear mongering or another devious scheme to sell more drugs. But I prefer to be optimistic. Swine Flu could be Thomas Malthus’ dream come true and solve all our problems, unemployment, starvation, economic turmoil, Osama bin Laden, the Heartbreak of Psoriasis and… Global Warming!

May 2, 2009

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

Tom Chartier Archives

I wisely hastened to put on one of my son’s gas masks… you can never be too safe… and headed out to investigate. What did I find? To my horror some scalawag had dumped a Bandini Mountain of toxic assets in my swamp!

Who could have been so low as to commit such a foul and dastardly deed and pollute my swamp with toxic assets? I have my suspicions but the mystery may never be solved.

Friends, has this happened to you? If not rest assured, it will. The foisting off of toxic assets shall come full circle back to us all… the victims of all the great Ponzi schemes and greedy skullduggery which started the train wreck in the first place.

None of us really know what a toxic asset is. But we do know this; "toxic" and "asset" are contradictory. Therefore toxic assets are bad right? We don’t want them. The banks don’t want them. The Treasury Dept. doesn’t want them. The Chinese don’t want them. They gotta go.

Unfortunately, toxic assets are like plastic bottles and Styrofoam. They are here to stay until the Mantis People and Roach Republic rule the Earth and discover how tasty they are. I’m not sure we can wait that long. Toxic assets have to be dumped toot sweet and please… not in my swamp!

We could jettison our toxic assets on the TV game show The Price Is Right. After all, TPIR is popular all over the world. Spread the "wealth" I say!

However, maybe there’s a more fiendish and devious method of disposal.

We need to find some really gullible suckers. Well the big Western powers have been specializing in this for at least 150 years. It’s called "colonialism." It’s the rampant exploitation of some third-world country preferably with a different religion and a whole bunch of people with dark skin… and no nasty military! Where could we ever find such a place today? Easy. It’s called Somalia!

For those of you who have been glued to your favorite infotainment channel on the lobotomy box you know that Somalia has… and I shudder at the thought… pirates! Yes! Pirates! Shiver me timbers!

Just the other day a band of pirates from Somalia attempted to snag a cargo-ship flying the Stars and Stripes. That was probably not wise. But, I wonder what they could have possibly thought was on the Maersk Alabama of sufficient value to risk the wrath of Uncle Scam?

Could the Pirates Of Somalia (soon to be a major blockbuster rumored to be staring Crispin Glover, Charo and Earnest Borgnine) have been after a cargo of blankets, sacks of rice and aspirin? Seems like a stretch doesn’t it? How about oil for ransom? No the Alabama wasn’t a tanker. Could it have been something all backwards, crushed third-world countries crave like… weapons? Hm… don’t really know. Maybe they’re just plain stupid.

However, in a recent article Jeremy Scahill brought up some interesting points. It seems the Maersk Alabama: "belonged to a US Department of Defense contractor with u2018top security clearance,’ which does a half-billion dollars in annual business with the Pentagon, primarily the Navy." Oops. That got the Pirates of Somalia in really hot water.

As romantic as it sounds, are the Pirates of Somalia really pirates or is this another media term to manipulate our perception? The whole thing does sound a lot like so many struggling resistance movements against colonial powers throughout history. I recommend Eric Margolis’ excellent new book American Raj for a good succinct recap of all the "highlights." The Pirates of Somali fit the pattern perfectly.

Anyway, according to the East African Seafaring Rogues they are not pirates. They consider themselves to be the Volunteer Coastguard of Somali. Argh… Something’s afoot Matey!

Reported by John Hari of The Independent: "In 1991, the government of Somalia collapsed. Its nine million people have been teetering on starvation ever since — and the ugliest forces in the Western world have seen this as a great opportunity to steal the country’s food supply (illegal offshore fishing — auth.) and dump our nuclear waste in their seas.

"Yes: nuclear waste. As soon as the government was gone, mysterious European ships started appearing off the coast of Somalia, dumping vast barrels into the ocean. The coastal population began to sicken. At first they suffered strange rashes, nausea and malformed babies. Then, after the 2005 tsunami, hundreds of the dumped and leaking barrels washed up on shore. People began to suffer from radiation sickness, and more than 300 died."

Blimey! That sounds nasty. But never mind the human catastrophe factor, how can we exploit the situation? I’ll bet you’ve come to the same solution I have. Let’s dump all our toxic assets as well as our toxic wastes on Somalia! We could load them all onto a ship from the bogus "East Lilliputian Trading Company" and sail it merrily into Somalian seas singing Yo-ho, Yo-ho A Pirates Life For Me all the way. Never mind that it sounds a lot like the East Indian Trading Company of old that ransacked India. They’ll never make the connection. And listen up you scurvy dogs! From where I live in the Caribbean, I know my pirates. The Pirates of Somalia will take the bait.

Brilliant huh? Thought you’d like it. Let the Pirates of Somalia "hijack" our toxic assets! When they demand a ransom we can simply decline and claim bankruptcy. At least that part of the scheme will be true.

April 13, 2009

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

Tom Chartier Archives

Anyway, I am the proud owner of an original Blackwater T-shirt! Now that Blackwater USA… uh… Blackwater Worldwide has chickened out from all the bad press and changed their name to "Xe" (pronounced "zee" just like the paper towels) the collectible value of my T-shirt has skyrocketed! Maybe I can even sell it for enough to get the repossessed Dive Master Special back!

In pristine, mint condition, my Blackwater T is a size large; color… ink-squid black… what else would it be? It sports that eye-catching red crosshairs target motif superimposed over the white bear paw with a curved "Blackwater" above. Tres chic. There’s the small logo on the front left breast and the big one across the back, the subtext of which reads: "Don’t mess with me! I’m hair trigger crazy!" Needless to say, I have rarely worn it in public… well… except for that Parent’s Meet and Greet Night at my son’s school.

I don’t know about you, but this name change to "Xe" bothers me. Okay, okay… I understand the need to shed the bad rap Blackwater has earned. Gosh… I wonder if anything I wrote wore off some of the gunmetal blue from the corporate patina? But those suits at headquarters have got to understand that allowing a few of their guys to get off the leash in Baghdad’s Nisoor Square and blowing away a whole heap of Iraq civilians was not real smooth. Also, let’s not forget that time a Blackwater employee in Iraq got drunk on duty and proceeded to kill one of the "good guy" Iraqis. Whoopsie daisy! Better dock his pay and send him home for some more training, which is exactly what Blackwater did. And seriously folks, was the Fallujah Massacre over four dead Blackwater thugs hanging from a bridge really worth it? Hey, what the heckers were they doing in Fallujah anyway?

You know it’s all fine and dandy to polish up the company image through a name change and some slick marketing but maybe… and I may be going out on a limb here… just maybe Blackwater… uh Xe… should be more concerned with changing their tactics. Is it just me or do others concur that running a company the employees of which could pass for Hitler’s SA Brown Shirts just might be as ill-advised as promising a dead roach in every aspirin bottle?

It’s a darn shame. That feisty old Blackwater logo will be a tough act to follow. And it was eye-catching, memorable. But then… so was the Nazi flag, which used the same colors… I ask you, what kind of shock and awe is this meaningless "Xe" thing going to instill? Talk about wimpy! Sounds like the name of an anorexic Chinese fashion model.

Listen, if you are the mad dictator of some vermin-infested third-world hellhole… like New Orleans for example… don’t you want to hire the most terrifying private goon squad in the phone book to provide "security?" Damn straight! Fear and intimidation is half the battle.

So… what does "Xe" inspire? Nothing. Your fledgling dictator knows with "Xe" he’s hired a mercenary company that is afraid of the press! Oh come on! Afraid of a bunch of scribblers? This has to be a joke! Don’t tell me the pen is mightier than the sword. I know better.

If Blackwater really were the ultimate purveyor of badass mercenaries, they should capitalize on a name that means mayhem and cash in on all this "bad" publicity! You know, in reality, there is no such thing as bad publicity. It’s all good! Think of the catch phrases! "Blackwater: You make the rules! We lay down the law!" "Blackwater: Culling the herd." "Blackwater: Your Full-Service Genocidal Maniacs."

As well, Blackwater might use seals of approval from distinguished customers, you know the sort of thing to be seen on jars of figs at Fortnum & Mason. "Purveyors of Death to Caesars of the New World Order."

Now what can a firm called "Xe" possibly claim? "We are Xe best?" "Xe! We make the blood! Nobody cleans it up!" Piffle!

However, Xe claims to be changing course from being a direct supplier of murderous psychopaths to a firm that merely trains murderous psychopaths. Well that’s a novel reversal of fortune for the aspiring soldier of fortune. Must be something the legal department came up with. Less product liability?

Don’t fret. Xe will continue in Blackwater’s fine tradition of mayhem for a price. And now, for a few pennies extra, they offer more "air support." I suppose that means that now they’ll fly over and bomb Nisoor Square next time. Bully. Much more efficient. That should get a higher body count, which should be good for future business.

The fact is Xe is still Blackwater, the world’s most notorious private mercenary company. Whatever candy-coated term they want to use to describe their activities — "private security training" or "logistical support" — they still sell just one thing only, modern gunslingers that often operate outside the law.

Will new recruits to the firm discover that there are no rules of engagement at Xe? Will instructors drill them, "Just remember your Miranda rights: if you get caught, don’t admit to anything." Management will stand by their men. Don’t worry. Be happy.

Well, the Iraqi "government" has tried to kick Blackwater out twice now. Maybe, they’ve succeeded. But, how are they going to kick out a firm the name of which is impossible to pronounce?

But, I digress. My Blackwater T-shirt is on the auction block. It goes to the highest bidder who meets or surpasses the reserve… and that has yet to be determined. I may just want to keep it for black-tie social events. Either way… Don’t miss out! The bidding is open! Every man has his price.

February 20, 2009

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

Tom Chartier Archives

What am I to think now? You’ve been so consistent. Why the heck are you actually adhering to part of the U.S. Constitution? Dude… you were batting one thousand in the scorn and disrespect category. What gives?

Oh well, it’s just more white phosphorus over Gaza in the "peace process."

Now then, I don’t mean to rattle your road apples but to be honest, over the past eight years some of your "advisors" have not been giving you good advice. You look faint. Do you need a good "bracer?" Sorry, it’s true. With the exception of Yours Truly, you’ve been told more (vernacular not to be stepped in) than a herd of Texas Longhorns.

So to the point, now that you are retiring from public humiliation and war mongering, what will you do?

As usual, I’m here to help. Let’s peruse some of your weaknesses and see if we can’t find one that could be turned into a suitable meal ticket for an ex-democratic dictator.

Okay… how about International Elder Statesman? You could lock arms with Jimmy Carter and… Uh… Well, both of you have a regional accent. And both of you have "issues" with G.H. Bush, you know, yo’ pappy. But, other than that… let’s move on to something else.

Okay, how about this? Gentleman Landowner? Wait, maybe that’s also inappropriate. It’s too… and I shudder at the thought… British. Not for you Dubya you old windshield cowboy. To be a British Gentleman Landowner you must need to speak English… not American Hillbilly. There is a difference. Not to mention as a Gentleman Landowner one must mount a proper steed during the foxhunt and not a mountain bike. It just isn’t cricket old chump. Besides, the grapevine has it you bought a what? Four-bedroom house? We shall skip this noble retirement plan.

How about you saunter through the corporate revolving door of the Military-Industrial Complex as a consultant? You know Dead-Eye Dick already must have something lined up in his sights… besides his lawyer. KBR, Halliburton, Raytheon, McDonnell-Douglas, Blackwater Worldwide or the Luftwaffe might just blow wide open to have you on their board of directors.

Then again… since the mission is not actually accomplished maybe, in your case, that revolving door is jammed like an M-16 in the Me Kong Delta. Pity. You should have taken better care of your toys.

Okay… okay… chin up. There is a slot out there.

Humanitarian Spokesman? Sorry, bad joke.

I got it! You could become the owner of a professional sports team! Go for the gusto and give 110% always! And as you know, the bigger the dictator owner, the more championships. You could be the next Steinbrenner! Oops. I’d better "cork" that idea. Didn’t you already fail as the owner of a pro-baseball team?

Man George, you’re gonna join that 7.2% who are unemployed if we don’t find something toot sweet!

How about that "Freedom Institute?" You’re free to be the director of that right? And I’m sure you can find the funding somewhere. You’ve always been able to sucker some oil-rich country to bail you out when you needed a favor… or fast cash.

Now as I understand it you already have four outstanding professors signed on to teach "freedom." You have my colleagues in journalistic abuse, Chris Floyd and Fred Reed running courses on Political Stupidity and Asinine Absurdity. Ted Nugent is headmaster of Killin’ and Grillin.’ And unless I am mistaken, my post is headmaster of Guitar Destruction and Social Irreverence studies. You do remember those guitar lessons I gave you right? Oh don’t tell me you’re not practicing! That does it! You’re out of The Band!

Besides, If you don’t offer Karen Kwiatkowski the slot of Vice ber-Chancellor, Mike Gaddy the post of headmaster in charge of Subversion, Mike (in Tokyo) Rogers the professorship of Propaganda… I mean, "Perception Management" and Linda Shrock-Taylor as Mistress of Discipline, I quit. (I hope I didn’t leave anybody out.)

Fair dinkum Hillbilly Boy. You never knew diddlysquat about real freedom anyway. Besides, nobody has applied for admission. I mean what do they expect to learn? Are you planning on sitting there on your Gluteus Maximus like the Emperor Moronicus Ignoramus while attempting to read The Pet Goat out loud, over and over and over?

Forget it. The G.W. Bush Freedom Institute is sunk before it left the shipyard. Even the WW II German battleship Tirpitz got further.

However… Mien Fhrer, I have a cunning plan. What is it that you have done best, without equal, these past eight years? Where is it you have always shown like a beacon of… beacon of… Well, where have you been happiest?

On stage!

That’s it! Dubya, you are a natural thespian! Or at least a comedic buffoon. Cash in on your strength! I swear I have rolled on the floor in conniption fits of hysteria at your "speeches."

Listen, Dear Dubya, you’re a natural. You knock ‘em dead. You kill. You kick ass. You take no prisoners. The stage is your stomping ground.

So here’s what I suggest: Team up with your old hand-puppet Tony Blair and rekindle the fires of Vaudeville! Singing! Dancing! Clowning around and stupid jokes! Crosby! Hope! You guys get the hook! Burns and Allen have been cancelled for tonight. It’s G.W. Bush and his ventriloquist accomplice Tony The Daft Blair!

I’ll be you manager. And I already have you a "headlining" gig. You’ll be the star attraction on January 21 at a U.N. School in Gaza! Uh… we’ll see how you survive this first gig before I book a second.

January 19, 2009

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

Tom Chartier Archives

Yup that’s right, no more shopping sprees at the mall. Bummer. Scooter only gets one pair of shoes this year and they ain’t coming from the Factory Outlet glutton orgy. Nor will they have suspension systems, lights or designer logos. They’re coming from K-Mart or Target.

A bad thing you say? Hogwash! It’s time to stop wasting money on frivolity. No that doesn’t mean we have to live like Puritans scorning luxuries. It means we can no longer afford to fill up our garages and rented self-storage units with crap! Now I like that idea.

How many times have people told me they had to buy that Chevy Suburban because when they take their annual weekend get away to the mountains or beach they have so much stuff to bring? Like what? They’ve got two or three kids and will be gone for three days. Do they really need to stuff the back with gizmos, gadgets and paraphernalia? I don’t recall my parents dragging along a heap of refuse for vacations. And somehow, we found ways to have fun without technology up the ying-yang. If I was bored on long drives I did something shocking… I read books! Actually, we probably had more fun than today’s iTV-addicted Simpsons.

So let’s rejoice in the depression… sorry I refuse to call it a "recession." We all know what it really is. There is no point in beating around the… er… Bush with niceties. Now is the time to clean out the garage! I mean come on, wouldn’t you really like to be able to find your way to the storage bin of old screws again? Or even use it for what it was designed for, parking the car? And I mean the car, not one of the cars.

It’s time to cut down on cars too. Hey Detroit is going belly up, partly because many of the cars they’ve been making are barely better than a Yugo. So that Chevy Corvette has got to go! Yeah, yeah, yeah… It looks cool, is an American icon and works better than Viagra for the aging male. But seriously, it’s useless junk. Out damn spot I say!

Anyway, back to the subject of cleaning out the garage.

Let me tell you about my dad. He’s reached the Golden Years where society no longer wants him in the way. That means the work force. That’s fine with him. It’s a Chartier tradition to contribute as little as possible to the monkey mess called… and I shudder at the thought… "Society." I’m proud of him for finally making the right choice.

How has Dad been spending his valuable retirement? He’s been purging the garage of something like four decades accumulated debris. Yes, I’m guilty too. Now, he’s a kind-hearted soul with good intentions. Everything is culled through carefully, cleaned up and donated to proper charities, like the Retarded Children’s Fund or Salvation Army… places where most of us will be buying are clothes soon. It’s taking my father time, but no rush. Rushing around like a mad dog is what careers are for. He’s done with that folderol. Now he owns his time.

I would go about the culling of the heap in the garage in a different way. I’d call up EJ Harrison’s Sanitation and order a honking big dumpster. You betcha. If I cannot remember an item, in it goes. I won’t be looking for buried treasure to sell on eBay, hang on to sentimental hand-me-downs or forgotten trinkets from Christmas of 1966. All goes into the dumpster and out to the landfill. Gotta provide some sort of foundation for the McMansions, even though nobody will be buying any in the near future.

I can toss out the useless collection of never-worn Victoria Secret’s diamond encrusted fantasy bras hanging next to the weed whacker. Bought one for The Wife every year at Christmas, much to her complete horror, until I went broke. I’ll let the Mantis People find them in an archeological dig in five million years. I’d love to be a rodent on the wall while they try and figure out what sort of elaborate snare for fresh meat they were. Not to mention the anatomy of the bizarre creatures long since extinct

Do I care if something is "green," recyclable or made of some dreaded polymer? Hell no! Styrofoam and plastic are nasty inventions to be sure. Oh the wonders Dr. Frankenstein has learned to concoct with chemicals. I hear these things will be hanging around on Mother Earth for the next ten thousand years… or longer! Well that sucks bovine buttocks. But am I worried? No way!

In roughly ten billion years our little sun will have run out of hydrogen to fuse together and make helium. And guess what, it’s gonna start making other elements. Gradually it will swell into a big red sun, instead of a medium yellow sun. And when it does it will swallow up the planets Mercury, Venus and… you guessed it… Earth. Poof! All the Styrofoam will be cleaned up in a jiffy. And it will be converted to something much more useful like stellar material. I can’t wait.

But I digress.

The point is finally we cannot afford to add to our useless heaps of flotsam and jetsam. Now we can put our time to good use and start shoveling out all the accumulated (vernacular cleaned up). Think of the feeling of freedom you will have without all that stuff! Man, I can breath easier already! Life is good!

January 7, 2009

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

Tom Chartier Archives

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"We spent as much money as we could, and got as little for it as people could make up their minds to give us."

~ Charles Dickens: Great Expectations as reprinted in "Hard Lessons: The Iraq Reconstruction Experience"

Oh man! I missed out on the spectacle of the year. So grand was it I would have paid money… yes money… to see it. At a surprise press conference in Iraq a Liberated Iraqi Patriot threw not one but two shoes at George W. Bush’s head! Talk about ungrateful.

Sadly, both missed. I might have asked for a refund. But what can you expect from a country where soccer is the number one sport? I mean… the poor guy just doesn’t have the expertise at throwing projectiles like Eric Gagne or Fran Tarkenton. Still, I give him an A for effort. But I also wonder if George gave him back his shoes. They might be his only pair.

The other sad thing is that Dubya seemed to enjoy the whole incident. Well, maybe that’s not so sad. I can personally relate to the joys of having Weapons of Minor Destruction hurled in anger at my face. Maybe Bush is a good old-fashioned punk rocker too.

The Shrub seemed to be thrilled by the display as evidence of a "free society." You know a free society where you can give visiting dignitaries the one-fingered victory salute and scream obscenities at political party conventions. At such fun events one only needs fear being pummeled by hired goon squads or hauled off in the paddy wagon for… and I shudder at the thought… being a "journalist" like Amy Goodman of Democracy Now! Forgive me while I take a moment to wash my mouth out with alcohol (Stone Brewing Arrogant Bastard Ale) for being a bad boy and uttering the J-word.

Yup, Bush should be pleased. Mission accomplished. Iraq is freer than the United States. All thanks to him. So… I guess we can go home now. Uh… well… maybe the troops and contractors don’t want to. After all, they have more freedom in Nisoor Square than Times Square.

Aside from reveling in the lighthearted incident George made the comment: "I don’t know what the guy’s cause is." That’s our anointed Shrubbery, delusional to the last. No clue George? I’m so relieved the past eight years have taught Dubya nothing.

The Big W supposed the shoe thrower was trying to draw attention to himself. Yeah… well, maybe. But do you imagine he might also be angry at the total destruction of Iraqi society and the deaths of something like 1.2 million Iraqis? Hm… at that rate, it’s a good safe bet the shoe thrower knows at least a couple dead friends or family members, thanks to George’s Liberation and gift of freedom. Or possibly, the anger is subtler than that. Maybe Abdul bin Hushpupi only lost his job and neighborhood.

Gee George… you think there might be one or two Iraqis with good cause to be angry with… you? Naw, that’s too preposterous to even contemplate.

Well, sorry to be preposterous but the fact is, Iraq is a mess and the US is to blame. And you George are at the top of the refuse heap of reconstruction and liberation.

As easy as it is to dodge a flying Birkenstock it’s just as easy to dodge reality. Forget about the dead, displaced, the ethnic cleansing, destroyed infrastructure and all that tedious old news. How about something fresh and exciting to ignore?

Here’s a good one. The new 512-page report on the history of Iraqi "reconstruction," prepared by the feds themselves and floating around in secure channels… and the New York Times. As reported by the NY Times: "u2018Hard Lessons: The Iraq Reconstruction Experience,’ the new history was compiled by the Office of the Special Inspector General for Iraq Reconstruction, led by Stuart W. Bowen Jr., a Republican lawyer who regularly travels to Iraq and has a staff of engineers and auditors based here."

And what goodies lurk between the pages of Hard Lessons? Nothing "good" I assure you. It simply chronicles officially what anybody paying attention already knows. The US has been flushing billions of greenbacks down the Tigris and Euphrates rivers in a war profiteering orgy of incompetence and corruption.

Also reported in the NY Times: "Money for many of the local construction projects still under way is divided up by a spoils system controlled by neighborhood politicians and tribal chiefs. u2018Our district council chairman has become the Tony Soprano of Rasheed, in terms of controlling resources,’ said an American Embassy official working in a dangerous Baghdad neighborhood. u2018You will use my contractor or the work will not get done.’ "

Gee, what a surprising revelation.

The fact is, in wasting $117 billion the Wizards in Washington never had a clue what they were doing… and still don’t. Hey, build one open sewer of a Baghdad Police Academy why not build another?

Strange how reconstruction projects are usually total disasters isn’t it? You would think of all nations familiar with this principle it would be the United States. Oh… but our disastrous Reconstruction was so long ago, who cares… or is left alive to remember?

Like I’ve always said, it’s idiotic to plan reconstruction of anything before you’ve finished destroying it. Wait a second. Now I see the light! I know why that Iraqi threw is shoes at Bush. He read the report.

December 17, 2008

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

Tom Chartier Archives

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Deck the Halls with Ministers of Folly. The Holiday Season is upon us. Aye Carumba. I gotta go Wal-Marting and stock up on electronic joy for friends and family. The problem is that where I live there is no Wal-Mart. What to do? What to do?

I’m not exactly the best capitalistic glutton. And if I remember my Sunday school class correctly, there’s something about Christmas that goes beyond The Pet Rock. Nevertheless, it’s still a time to shop till you drop and load up on knick-knacks and gizmos to stuff into the garage, if one can find the space or still even has a garage. I don’t want to break with tradition.

Let’s see I have The Wife, The Boy and The Father all covered.

The Wife gets to go back to SoCal without me. What else could any loving husband give the woman who has everything including him? A well-earned vacation from the Slovenly Wreck (your humble narrator) seems like just what the doctor ordered for the Little Woman. Best of all, it won’t clutter up the garage. Well… okay… The Slovenly Wreck does but… you get the idea.

The Boy? Easy. Santa will bring him another gas mask, a pair of night vision goggles and a Ghillie Suit, which is an ensemble that let’s the wearers dress up like Chewbacca or Big Foot. It’s for surviving in a world gone mad, and friends, the world has gone mad. Aren’t these the things that bring boundless hours of pleasure to any young whippersnapper? Maybe your kids are more interested in new video games and iPods but my son seems to have a solid lock on the future. And yes… I am a concerned parent.

The Father… hey a new Titanium Knee should be a real pleaser when he finds it under the tree. Maybe a discount coupon for his next colonoscopy would be a good stocking stuffer.

But what about Lew? Now this is where I’m really stuck. One does not forget one’s publisher or the fledgling writer may find the bathroom wall at the Greyhound Station the only place to get his or her "literary masterpieces" read.

This year has become especially troublesome. We all have to tighten our belts and that means no Victoria’s Secret diamond encrusted Fantasy Bra for anyone. Sorry Lew but I’m not sure they’ve come up with a version for men yet anyway. Besides, these things are getting old. I’ve been buying these things for The Wife for fifteen years and they always end up hanging from a hook in the garage next to the weed whacker. Maybe, they itch or are made with formaldehyde.

How about Neiman Marcus? Let’s see… Hm, Lew lives in the South right? And to me that means poverty! Wait, that’s not what I meant to say. I meant to say "thoroughbred horse racing!" Here’s a nice item in the NM Christmas catalog, the Three Chimneys Farm Thoroughbred Racing Stable Package. Hey! I want one of those! Get rid of all those smelly horses and this might make a nice spread. And it can be had for only… $10 million!!!!!!? It must be a foreclosure. I suspect some sort of scam here. Maybe the stables need foundation work or a shoveling out.

I’m going to pass on this one. Sorry Lew. Neiman Marcus is out. Maybe I can find something better at Piggly Wiggly. Do those still exist?

Something simple and intellectual is more appropriate, like a good book. Here’s one destined straight for the bathroom. Destined For Destiny the Unauthorized Biography of George W. Bush. Now that it appears that the much maligned and misunderstood Shrub of a Man is actually going to surprise us all and obey one part of the US Constitution by leaving office on schedule, I think a fond review of his rise to power from the humble beginnings as the spoiled brat of a “simple oil family” might be in order. Then again… maybe Lew would just prefer to forget the entire past eight years. I know I would!

This is getting tough. Wait a minute. I have it! Who doesn’t just dig some good solid tropical tiki music? Cool Daddy-O. Well, Les Baxter and Arthur Lyman are passé in these modern times however there is still hope. Hey Lew, how about a CD by the groovy Los Angeles tiki duo The Martini Kings? Now we’re cooking with napalm! Just which CD out of ten… yes count them… ten… is best? Wow, that’s like trying to pick your favorite Carrot Top joke. Do we go for Tikis and Bikinis, Dance of the Virgins or Creamy Cocktails and Other Delights? Oh heckers! Decisions are too tough. I’ll just send the entire Martini Kings boxed set anthology even if I have to put it together myself… assuming I can find all ten CDs.

Wrap Lew up in an official 2008 Hawaiian Christmas aloha shirt from Reyn Spooner and Lew will be sucking down Mai Tais at the Mises Institute with gusto to the wild beat of The Martini Kings on Christmas morning! It could be a new dawn in Libertarianism and Austrian Economic thinking!

But then, maybe the tropical look isn’t really dignified enough for Lew. I mean it’s okay for me to look like a clownish island bum since that’s what I am. But Lew? I don’t think so.

You know what? We men ever really grow up. We like toys. Okay, in these hard times a 1964 Chevy Impala Lowrider complete with hydraulics to make it hop or a radio-controlled spy plane are a tad beyond my budget. However, I have the perfect do-dad to adorn Lew’s desk and greet visiting dignitaries: the Playmobil Security Check Point! Now there’s a toy for the child of the modern Police State! Sure looks like fun doesn’t it?

Yes, Lew. You too can learn to smile as the TSA Goon Squad at the airport X-rays your carry-on luggage and laptop. You’ll learn to hold still with pride in the TSA peep show booth as the TSA preeverts ogle your privates. We need to be happy in the modern word and thankful Big Brother is keeping us so, so very safe.

Happy Christmas Lew.

December 12, 2008

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

Tom Chartier Archives

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The good citizens of France have been issued a stern warning from the French courts. Owners of Nicolas Sarkozy Voodoo dolls are not to stab them with pins!

I’m serious. This was a statement by the French appeals court.

Just to save you all from the extra work of clicking on a link, which may not work for long, here is the story in its entirety (don’t worry, it’s short) from the Associated Press:

"PARIS — A French appeals court says Voodoo dolls of President Nicolas Sarkozy may remain on sale, but must carry a notice saying that pricking them harms the president’s dignity.

Sarkozy’s attorney had asked that the dolls be withdrawn from sale, saying the president like any French person owns the right to his own image.

The appeals court backed an earlier ruling allowing the dolls to stay on the market in the name of freedom of expression.

But it ordered the doll’s marketer, publishing house K&B Editions, to add a warning that using the needles which come with the kits u2018constitutes an attack on the personal dignity of Mr. Sarkozy.’

u2018Nicolas Sarkozy: The Voodoo Manual’ costs euro12.95 ($16.50) and includes a handbook and 12 pins."

God forbid anyone should offend the dignity of the France’s Top Dubya Clone! Sarkozy is more than capable of offending his dignity all by his lonesome! He doesn’t need any help from anyone. At least the French court didn’t harpoon freedom of speech and humor. But can you imagine the French telling the French they should not be insulting? Man, that’s like telling Americans they have to wear suits and ties to the NASCAR races. If it’s unacceptable to insult someone’s dignity in France what’s the point in being French? Am I going to have to change my name because of this?

I am highly offended. As a resident of the Caribbean I take my voodoo seriously. Don’t tell me I cannot stick pins in my Sarkozy Voodoo Doll! And that goes for my Dubya Voodoo Doll, Cheney Voodoo Doll, Rumsfeld Voodoo Doll, John McCain Voodoo Doll, Joe Lieberman Voodoo Doll, Robert Gates Voodoo Doll, Rahm Emanuel Voodoo Doll, etc., etc., etc. I’ve got a whole closet full of voodoo dolls and they are not Christmas tree ornaments! Okay… well maybe they are. But they are going to be chock full of pins just like always!

What does the French appeals court think voodoo dolls are anyway, air fresheners?

How absurd can you get? It’s okay to buy a Nicolas Sarkozy Voodoo Doll, complete with le manuel vaudou (which I’m sure instructs the purchaser to poke the pins into the doll) and 12 stickpins. But the manufacturer is required to include a warning… as if the purchaser had no clue… that jabbing a stuffed Sarkozy was an insult to Sarkozy’s dignity? Well DUH! That’s what it’s for! What a bunch of merde de singe!

Are the French Scrooges trying to take the joy out of the holiday season? Just think of the look of disappointment on the faces of little Jean Luc, Jean Mark, Laurent and Pierre when they are warned not to lance their new Sarkozy Voodoo Dolls with the supplied lances.

I say it is time for another French Revolution! Vive le France! The time is now for more rioting in the streets, a favorite French pastime of which I am quite proud of, being of French ancestry. I’m telling you there is some bad mojo going down when the freedom to practice voodoo is infringed upon by one of the nations that prides itself on freedom.

Fortunately, I don’t live in France. I can impale my Sarkozy Voodoo Doll with any implement I choose… free of guilt. And so can you! I’m sure most French citizens can do it guilt free too.

The fact is, now that the French courts have ordered the manufacturer to include a warning, I have no doubt Sarkozy Voodoo Dolls will be spearheaded by penetrating sales. These things are likely to be more popular than Pet Rocks, Cabbage Patch Dolls, Beanie Babies and Billy Beer combined! Well… in France at least.

And let’s be fair. Aren’t voodoo dolls in fact great stress relievers? Why, they rank right up there with Prozac, Xanax, Stone Brewing Ruination IPA, an hour spent at the firing range and fixing your computer with a Louisville Slugger.

I had to make my voodoo dolls out of scratch. But it sure would have been simpler if some clever entrepreneur had been cranking out Dubya Voodoo Dolls these past eight years. Think what that might have done for the economy!

Forget these corporate bailout schemes! Let’s make some voodoo dolls and inject some life into our economy!

We could custom make our voodoo dolls. Pick your favorite "elected official," appointed crony, warmonger or investment advisor then stab and jab to your heart’s content. It will probably do wonders for your blood pressure and give your outlook a shot in the arm. And the Good Lord knows your "representatives" will never get the point if you only needle them with letters and petitions.

I say let the bad mojo roll and go for the voodoo!

December 1, 2008

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

Tom Chartier Archives

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One doesn’t need to read beyond the first sentence of a front-page article from the November 26th edition of the New York Times to see more absurdist logic rearing its ugly head.

What pray tell could be the next act in the weekly soap titled The State’s Biggest Boners? Once again, they have a grand scheme to help us. Here it is straight from the horse head’s mouth, the New York Times: "The Federal Reserve and the Treasury announced $800 billion in new lending programs on Tuesday, sending a message that they would print as much money as needed to revive the nation’s crippled banking system."

Yee ha! Hyperinflation here we come! Little short on spending cash? Print some more! Why didn’t I think of that? Maybe I should have taken out a loan and sprung for the Uber Gut Reich Mark color printer capable of running off thousands of undetectable funny money bills in an afternoon. But then I don’t need to bother. The Federal Reserve and Treasury are going to do that for me. How kind and thoughtful.

Are these people, for lack of a better term… stupid? Never mind. The question is rhetorical.

I’m ready and willing to admit I am no economist. On the other hand, I actually paid attention in history class. I did not buy the answers to the test questions either. Let’s look back to the days of the Weimar Republic in Germany after WW I. It seems times were tough, jobs hard to find and the economy a mess. Sound familiar? So, how did they "fix" it? They printed money until they couldn’t afford more paper. And surprise, surprise… it didn’t work! Inflation ran amuck and the prices of basic necessities skyrocketed. Hence, the need for wheelbarrows to lug all their funny money to the market so they could buy a loaf of bread… if they could find one that cheap.

Friends, Americans, countrymen, here’s a real simple common sense unalterable rule of money. The more money the State prints, the less it is worth.

The actual value of your socks, cheeseburgers, ramshackle hovels and gas-guzzling Hummer H3s will remain exactly the same. However, the price tag will go shooting way up. It’s just like the dump we bought in Los Angeles for $130K and sold a few years later for $450K. It was still a dump worth $130K… if that! And soon our profits will be worth about $10K

The net result after the Feds "help you out" by printing more money is simple. You still will not be able to afford anything! In fact, since you will soon have to buy a wheelbarrow you will be worse off than if they did nothing. And that is exactly what they should do. Nothing.

How about that $800 billion? Well… if it’s printed money is it really worth $800 billion? No of course not. It’s worth no more than the paper it’s printed on, to use an ancient phrase. There’s nothing to back it up, no gold reserves, no booming industries, no nothin’. Were the plan to borrow $800 billion that would be bad enough, since borrowing more money means selling off more of America’s future to China and shackling future generations with heavy tax plans which only pay off the interest. That would be a bit like cousin Doofus and his charming wife Dodie, their maxed out credit card collection and McMansion with it’s too good to be true ARM. Oh wait… I forgot. The bank foreclosed on the McMansion.

Doofus and Dodie now live in Orange County’s Tent City in Southern California. Wait a minute… I’m wrong. One must be a resident of the city of Ontario to be homeless in Tent City. Talk about absurdist logic! I haven’t a clue where Doofus and Dodie are now.

Or maybe the plan has some sort of twisted logic behind it. Let’s see, how about we totally destroy the value of the US dollar by printing money up the wazoo. Then, we won’t have to pay off those Chinese loans! Or at least what we do pay back is a drop in the bucket. Hey that’s pure genius! What’s that? China is calling in its monstrous loans? Sure fine. A trillion US dollars can’t buy a two-door Daihatsu sedan!

So why stop at a measly $800 billion? How about $3 trillion? Isn’t that what Joseph E. Stiglitz and Linda J. Bilmes predict the war in Iraq will cost in the long run? Why stop there? Let’s run off $100 trillion, $200 trillion or $500 trillion. Since none of it’s real the sky’s the limit!

But I seriously doubt this is a wise move.

So then, how do we get out of the real crisis after the country is flooded with worthless Republic Credits? Hey I got an idea! Start a war! Kick ass! It worked for Nazi Germany… Uh well… maybe that’s a bad example. Hm… let me see if I can concoct a better one.

Hang on! We did start a war! Two of them in fact. How could I forget? I guess Iraq and Afghanistan aren’t the crowd pleasers they once were. But there’s a problem. These fun-filled military adventures have not resulted in a "booming" economy back on the ranch. Aye Carumba! Something must be awry. Where did all that money go? It certainly did not find its way back into the pockets of the people. Oh well. Easy come easy go. I guess it’s all lost in the desert, vanishing with the sands of time and disappearing into the mattresses of Halliburton, KBR, Blackwater and a collection of shyster war profiteers.

Maybe it would be better to leave well enough alone. The times will be tough for a lot of people. But the economy will iron itself out naturally someday. With the State doing something stupid to fix it, the problem will only get worse. And printing $800 billion is about as stupid as stupid can be.

Well Uncle Scam, I have a favor to ask. Please don’t try to help. Your track record has not been good.

November 28, 2008

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

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After much soul searching I have come to a harsh realization. Please no snickering, catcalls or rotten tomatoes as I confess. This one hurts deep.

I am… wait… I must compose myself… Ok. My name is Tom Chartier and I am a Bad Libertarian.

Phew… That was tough. Now you know. I’m sure some of you suspected and comments were made in hushed voices during back alley cigarette breaks. Tom Chartier is a poseur. He’s a fake! A fraud! The Elmer Gantry of Libertarianism! Well… I never achieved Elmer’s success.

Please Gentle Readers forgive me. Lord knows I’ve tried. Alas, the best laid plans of mice and men usually get all uh… FUBAR. Where did I go wrong? Well, maybe I need to examine the main criterion for a good Libertarian.

First, a good Libertarian is anti-war. Hm… I did play with toy soldiers when I was a kid. I built plastic models of fighter planes, bomber planes, tanks, battleships and submarines. Could this have been my downfall? Well… maybe, but as much as I was fascinated by the machinery, the fact is I’m not too keen on what it is used for. What’s that you say? I disapprove of "freedom?" Hell no! And that’s the point. A baby with its head blown off by US-made ordinance is beyond criminal regardless of whose baby it was. And that my friends is what the great US Military-Industrial Complex does all in the name of "freedom" when really it’s all about power and war profiteering.

Nope. Don’t like wars. So I guess I meet that Libertarian criterion.

How about being anti-state? Yikes… I sense trouble here. As a rule I have more than a healthy distrust of government. Okay, I concede, there needs to be some order and governance. As an old punk I should be all gung-ho for anarchy but anarchy is what "governs" Iraq. Maybe Iraq is somebody’s ideal society but it ain’t mine! Nevertheless a whole Bandini Mountain of laws and programs run by the state for our welfare, security and benefit makes me smell Ricky Rat and all his vermin offspring.

What does it take to get elected to office in a democracy? Qualifications? Bovine biscuits! All that’s required is glitz, glitter and a heaping spoonful of balderdash. Wrap up the RNC edition of your Senatorial SUX 2010 in a flashy ad campaign and all too many will clamor for one… or two… or three! And these "elected" nimrods are going to make laws to control our lives?

Putain de merde de vache!

Okay… I guess I qualify as a Libertarian on the anti-state issue.

How about the Free Market? This may have been my downfall. I know diddly-squat about economics. But then let’s be honest here, who does? The geniuses on Wall Street? Congress? The chairman of the Federal Reserve? Alan Greenspan? The Bush Family Dynasty? Don’t make me laugh! None of these de-evolved cretins knows any more than I on the matter of economics. If they did, the US would still be on the gold standard and not taking out Chinese loans hand over fists of furry with no intention or ability to pay them off.

Do you have the money to afford that new Lockheed Martin laser-guided Scooter of Mass Destruction, Bart? No? Well then you can’t buy it. Gosh, maybe I know more about economics than I thought. I certainly know more than all too many of the experts.

But alas… I have not read Ludwig von Mises or Murray Rothbard. Jumpin’ Jiminy! That is a sin as far as the good Libertarian is concerned. Austrian economics? Uh… well… I can find Austria on the map and know all about the Anschluss. Guess that doesn’t really count though.

The other problem I have with the Libertarian Free Market is this. I loathe Wal-Mart, Target, Best Buys, MacDonald’s and even Piggly Wiggly. The problem there is corporations result when the market is totally free. With corporations we enjoy… offshore outsourcing of manufacturing. That means some guy in Asia who will work for next to nothing gets jobs that should go to Americans. It also means the death penalty to the mom and pop businesses. How can they compete? Usually they can’t. What happened to Uncle Bill’s hardware and Fishing Supplies? Oh, Home Depot and Sports Chalet replaced that. Bill now works the floor of the Lowe’s in the plumbing department at $9 per hour. He’s surly, doesn’t care and pounds down a six-pack a night. Joe the Plumber didn’t have any openings on his staff for Bill.

I guess I have trouble with the totally free market, not that I have a better solution. But I’m none too thrilled by the strip malls all looking the same and owned by nameless faceless corporations. They have destroyed the American dream and replaced service, adventure and good neighborly shops with Pop Tarts.

So… does this make me a bad Libertarian? Maybe, but I’ll let Lew Rockwell director of the Mises Institute and Jacob Hornberger of the Future Freedom Foundation decide.

Now, at this point I’d say I’m safe with two out of three requirements. And the third is debatable. After all, on this I do agree… State meddling with the Free Market infringes on all our freedoms. Maybe when the State decided to toss out the gold standard in favor of “petrodollars” also known as “fiat money” that killed the Free Market? Dunno. I’ll leave that debate for the minds of people who have not spent three decades playing punk rock.

Am I cool with three out of three now?

Okay… now this one really scares me. I think this is the stumbling block over which I have slipped and busted my nose. I have not… and I shudder at the humiliation… gotten around to those two Ayn Rand books, The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged. I have them. I just haven’t been able to squeeze them in between such crowd pleasers as Robert Fisk’s Pity The Nation, Patrick Cockburn’s Muqtada and Ilan Pappe’s The Ethnic Cleansing of Palestine.

Hey wait a minute! Wasn’t Ayn Rand’s philosophy "Objectivism" not Libertarianism? You see? I’m totally confused. Maybe I’m just intimidated by Galt’s Speech.

However, I admit the error of my ways. The shame I feel I cannot put into words. I swear I’ll read Ayn Rand! Soon!

And possibly the worst offense of all is that I have been AWOL two years in a row from the Future Freedom Foundation conference… and I was even conscripted! No excuse. I’ll admit to being a tad fearful that FFF founder Jacob Hornberger demanded my attendance as a ruse for some devious scheme of indoctrination. He promised me room 101 and that makes me very uncomfortable. There’s something about room 101 that strikes me as double plus un-good but I just can’t seem to recall what it is. Anyway, now I’m on the run and laying low.

My name is Tom Chartier and I am a Bad Libertarian.

November 26, 2008

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

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I hate goodbyes. They are sad but an inevitable part of life. However, it’s always best to face them with a certain appreciation for what has been and what is yet to come.

After 53 years of journalism Charley Reese has decided to call it quits. I’d say a break from three columns a week is well earned. That’s a heavy load. Imagine walking into the office one morning in 1955 and not leaving until 2008. That’s what it means to write three columns a week… not that Mr. Reese spent all those years only writing columns. But you get the idea.

While reading a Charley Reese column, one could just about hear the clickety-clack of a typewriter or breath in the smoke of the copy room. He came from an era in journalism where a necktie was required to catch BBQ sauce, not to make the writer look snappy for the televised infotainment show.

As a fledgling hack wannabe writer, and that’s what I really am at best, Charley Reese has been one of my idols. His ability to say exactly what he means in such short, concise columns has been an inspiration. Never talking down to his readers, Mr. Reese has always spoken to us in the vernacular of the peasantry. You get the feeling he’s one of us. And that he is. You feel like you’re hearing sage advice from a trusted friend over a beer.

I haven’t always agreed with everything Charley Reese has said in his columns but that in itself is a compliment. However, most of the time I’ve been right with him. Either way, the straight common sense of his writing has been something I’ve always looked forward to in the morning. When I’ve opened the home page of LRC everyday, if the bi-line is Charley Reese it has been the first and sometimes… sorry Lew… the only thing I’ve read that day. Sometimes real life gets in the way of reading everything. And I’d never skip one. One couldn’t help feeling safe with a Reese column. We could depend on him to get his point across without a long bombastic lecture. His columns would always be short and sweet, and no less profound. Often, they were more profound simply because they were so direct and to the point and full of plain old ‘Merican English.

Like many of us, I’ve been to college. I’ve spent many long hours sitting in lecture halls listening to scholars in love with their own voices as they spewed forth gibberish. I’m never too keen on reading the same sort of arrogant hogwash… even when it’s well-researched hogwash. After all isn’t what a person says more important than how long he takes to say it or how many five-dollar words he uses?

Thanks to Charley Reese I’ve learned to view the American South as probably someplace I’d really like. This Yankee Boy has grown up with an image of the South as a haven for armed hillbillies, NASCAR and beer. Well… that may still be true. But now it sounds like a world of humanity without any pretenses. After years of Southern California, Tokyo and Hollywood a good old Southern Three-B Night (bullets, beer and BBQ) sounds like a breath of fresh air. Not to mention the revelation that in the South, not working yourself into a coffin is considered preferable than making heaps of money. Man! That’s my kind of world! Pass me a mess of shrimp and a beer! I’ll get around to fixing that rusty hinge later.

I don’t mean for this to sound like a eulogy because it’s not. Charley Reese’s writings will be missed but there’s a whole heap of them to discover and re-discover in his LRC archives. And after all… he’s not planning on "croaking." So consider his story, A Good Hobby. In it he advises people to buy a backyard telescope. I completely agree. Some good stargazing puts everything into proper perspective while we feeble little creatures infest this planet fretting and fussing over our own unimportance. Maybe Charley Reese’s own words will be best here.

"…buy yourself a telescope and look at the stars. That will at least teach you not to sweat the small stuff. And all human affairs, compared with the universe, are small stuff."

So even though we’ve never met, good night, and good luck Charley. You’ve earned it.

September 1, 2008

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

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The Project For The New American Century, PNAC, has gone Absent Without Leave. They have seemingly vanished with the sands of time. It sounds too good to be true which means, it probably is not true.

What alerted me to the sudden disappearance is the fact that the PNAC website, chock full of bombastic and arrogant reports, declarations, letters and memos is now "suspended." Their boastful website is down and with it much of their inter-asylum memos along with some of their "best" work.

When did this happen? None but the cursed may tell the tale. However, the PNAC website appears to have been "suspended" on July 8, 2008. Awe gee… they missed Independence Day by only four days. How did I miss that? I always liked to check in from time to time for a good belly slapper of lunacy. Perhaps it was the week I was engaged in my Israel Challenge Army Experience. Or maybe I was off on my annual Ted Nugent Sunrize Safari. Whatever, I missed the grand closing ceremonies… but then there were none.

How odd PNAC should kill their own website. Their rhetoric and boasting always struck me as a matter of PNAC pride. So… did they just stop paying their bills? Did they file for bankruptcy? Did they start to feel insecure and unpopular? Are they gone?

Hardly. Possibly more dangerous than ever the PNAC opinion leaders (more about them later) have dispersed and gone underground. No longer are they willing to advertise their master plans in public. But fear not, they are still crawling around in the sewage of Washington and in mainstream propaganda offices.

However, before I continue a little amnesiatic background music if you please. PNAC was an offshoot Neocon think tank of the bigger Neocon think tank the American Enterprise Institute. Both have had their grubby little paws in the bowels of US Foreign policy which helps explains the mess. And I don’t think they remembered to wash!

Hatching forth from some mutant egg leftover from the Reagan Administration in 1997, PNAC "contributed" a number of letters and reports to our past two executive morons. On January 26, 1998, they sent Bill Clinton a letter strongly urging him towards: "implementing a strategy for removing Saddam’s regime from power." Saddam Hussein was, in their paranoid opinion, actively developing WMD and likely to destabilize the Middle East. God forbid! Presumably, Slick Willy promptly filed that away in the "raving crackpot" folder. Or maybe PNAC’s agenda wasn’t in sync with Clinton’s agenda.

Fear not! It was time to look for another natural born blunderer. PNAC’s search led them to the perfect spirochete to infect the White House, George W. Bush. Dubya was more than happy to allow himself to be governed and manipulated by PNAC’s crazed theories and delusions steering the helm of foreign and domestic policy. It was a match made in Purgatory.

PNAC also lays claim to the dubious distinction of assembling the notorious report: Rebuilding America’s Defenses. I was unaware US defenses needed rebuilding. Anyway, for those in the dark, published one year prior to 9/11, Rebuilding America’s Defenses was a lengthy and massive plan to build up US military might far beyond that necessary for "defense." It was a dream of becoming not the globe’s only superpower, which the US was at the time, but the globe’s only power. Call it the only Uber Mega-Superpower.

If that weren’t enough, Rebuilding America’s Defenses included the infamous statement, which can be found on page 51 of the report: "Further, the process of transformation, even if it brings revolutionary change, is likely to be a long one, absent some catastrophic and catalyzing event — like a new Pearl Harbor."

Now, I do not accept this as any sort of proof that 9/11 was an inside job at all. However, it does point out the immorality "ends justifies the means" mentality of PNAC as well as pure tactlessness at the very least.

The PNAC website was also stuffed to the gills with memos of self-righteousness, reinforcing and never questioning their delusional beliefs. Always headed with the chilling greeting: "To Opinion Leaders" these memos were an insight into a world of dangerous insanity.

Is not the term "opinion leaders" little more than the same as "perception managers" or better yet "propagandists"? And that they were. I’m sure they new it, unless they have perfected the technique of believing their own lies. However PNAC "opinion leaders" felt it more prudent to cloak themselves in a kinder gentler euphemism.

What struck me as most frightening of all the "goodies" which could be found in the PNAC website was the Statement of Principles. This was most bizarre since as far as history can tell, the members of PNAC had no principles… and they still don’t.

Short and sweet, the PNAC Statement f Principles spelled it all out in clear uncertain terms. It opened with the statement that is certainly true today: "American foreign and defense policy is adrift." I should say so! American foreign and defense policy has been running amok completely unshackled from any pretense of reason much like a mad dog.

Well that won’t do at all if one seeks to wear the Laurels of Caesar! Unhappy with Clinton’s leadership PNAC formed in order to kick things up a notch. "We aim to make the case and rally support for American global leadership."

American global leadership?! Since when did God die and appoint America the Global Police? Is this really what Americans want? Do we really want to poke our noses in every international squabble that arises? Is this what Thomas Jefferson had in mind when he spoke of avoiding foreign entanglements?

I suggest reading the whole PNAC Statement of Principles yourself. It appears to be a call for the formation of a fascist empire to dominate the world… all with the best of intentions of course. Joseph Goebbels couldn’t have done better.

Then came the chilling list of signatories: Elliott Abrams, Gary Bauer, William J. Bennett, Jeb Bush, Dick Cheney, Eliot A. Cohen, Midge Decter, Paula Dobriansky, Steve Forbes, Aaron Friedberg, Francis Fukuyama, Frank Gaffney, Fred C. Ikle, Donald Kagan, Zalmay Khalilzad, I. Lewis Libby, Norman Podhoretz, Dan Quayle, Peter W. Rodman, Stephen P. Rosen, Henry S. Rowen, Donald Rumsfeld, Vin Weber, George Weigel, Paul Wolfowitz.

And this Merry Band of Buffoons was just a handful of PNAC members. There were… are… more.

Do any of these names ring a nuclear bomb? Most of them are trying to. Need I say that the list contains quite a few of the usual suspects who have helped guide America into disaster? One wonders how they got into such powerful positions right under our noses. But then they were… and still are… expert "opinion leaders."

Well, PNAC may be lying low, but its father the American Enterprise Institute is alive. The revolving door has turned and the little weasels have scampered off into other rodent holes. The strategies may have changed but the goals have not and remember… the end justifies the means.

August 18, 2008

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

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"You have your democracy and we have our Islam. Now get out of our country."

~ Sayyid Muqtada al-Sadr

Although in recent months Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki has stunned the West by insisting on a timetable for the withdrawal of US forces, he remains if not the puppet leader the Bush Administration wanted, little more than the Mayor of the Green Zone.

Iraq does not actually have any viable government or leadership. Despite the false illusion of growing stability as portrayed by American propaganda, Baghdad remains one of the most dangerous cities in the world. Iraq itself sits as a time bomb ready to fraction into at least three distinct states, one Kurdish, one Sunni Arab and one Shi’ite Arab. Of course this is nothing anyone who has followed the events in Iraq does not know.

The presence of US military forces provides the loose glue that appears to hold the country together. But it’s all smoke and mirrors. The US occupation is also the main element preventing Iraq from developing any form of viable stability. It’s more like trying to reattach a severed head with a band-aid for the TV cameras.

The Neocon movement, the White House and John McCain continue with their idiotic delusions of "victory" as if magically one day the people of Iraq will lay down their arms and shower US troops with the flower petals they so rudely neglected to provide after the fall of Saddam Hussein. That’s as likely to happen as Brett Favre winning the Nobel Peace Prize… or another Super Bowl ring.

Big Oil has returned to Iraq. As such, let Big Oil deal with the Iraqis as best they can. Certainly if both parties are making a profit, without the presence of US forces gunking up the works, the motivation to resist will fade away to a small handful of hotheads.

Is an Iraq in a state of perpetual chaos, and thus totally incapable of any military adventurism, the goal of a handful of paranoid Zionists? If so, has the US been duped by our "friends" in Israel into providing that "security barrier" free of charge but at massive US expense?

Is the US afraid Iran will swoop into Iraq and steal the oil profits away… or the "glory of victory?" Foolish paranoia. Iranians will be no more welcomed as "liberators" than the US forces have been. Iran may try to intervene under the guise of security, stability or maintaining peace only to inherit the quagmire of dead troops and bankruptcy.

Sorry Uncle Scam, your adventure has been a total failure, just as has George W. Bush’s Presidency and Nancy Pelosi’s mandate to impeach. The huckster Ahmed Chalabi was not crowned "president" of Iraq as originally intended. Nouri al-Maliki has proven to show more backbone than expected… or desired by the Bush kingmakers. "The surge" is a complete illusion of order as Iraq could explode at the drop of a falafel.

So who really runs this country without a government called Iraq?

Silly question. No one runs Iraq. Like Lebanon before it, Iraq runs Iraq. A more apt question is who has the most power in Iraq? Now we’re getting somewhere.

There is a simple answer; Shi’ite cleric Sayyid Muqtada al-Sadr holds the keys to power in Iraq. As the son of the popular Grand Ayatollah Sadeq al-Sadr who was murdered… or martyred if you prefer… along with other influential members of the al-Sadr clan by Saddam Hussein, Muqtada commands great respect amongst the Iraqi Shia. He is a link to Iraqi dreams of liberation… yes liberation… from under the iron thumb of the US-backed dictator Saddam Hussein… or the occupying US forces. As the most popular man in Iraq he heads the largest and most powerful militia, the Mahdi Army.

Dare I remind Gentle Reader of the wording of the Second Amendment of the US Constitution?

Amendment II

A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

Love him or hate him, Muqtada al-Sadr commands a well regulated militia for the very purpose of providing the security of a free state… free from foreign occupation… the US.

A strict nationalist, al-Sadr has far outsmarted the US leadership by simply refusing to play their game. He has identified the opposition not as Sunni insurgents, Kurds, other Shi’ite militias such as the Badr Brigade or even official Iraqi security forces. Al-Sadr sees the enemy as the US military occupiers. If there is relative calm in Baghdad these days, it is thanks to al-Sadr’s cease-fire orders, not the "surge."

During the early days of the occupation the Mahdi Army had been linked with the ethnic cleansing of Sunnis in predominantly Shi’ite areas. They have put up fierce battles with US and Iraqi forces. At times the US military has considered the Mahdi Army as the biggest security threat in Iraq over and above the Sunni al-Qaeda in Mesopotamia. Hence they’ve earned a certain reputation for ruthlessness. However, as al-Sadr’s control over the Mahdi Army as strengthened, the MA has become more disciplined. Ethnic cleansing has dropped off.

On of Friday, August 8th, Muqtada played another ace card. With orders to the bulk of his Mahdi Army to disarm he in essence instructed al-Maliki’s "government" to stand tough on the issue of a timetable for US withdrawal. A vague "time horizon" is a meaningless device to stall for as long as possible. Muqtada, like al-Maliki and the vast majority of Iraqis, wants the US out. A "time horizon" is unacceptable.

Of course, Muqtada’s disarmament is all contingent upon such a timetable for US withdrawal. Al-Sadr has been speaking softly but carries a big stick. Behind his disarmament instruction lays a veiled threat of much more violence. Just how ugly can the Mahdi Army make things if al-Sadr chooses to release the hounds?

And what will the disarmed members of the Mahdi Army do? According to Sadrist spokesman cleric Mudhafar al-Moussawi: "Weapons are to be exclusively in the hands of one group, the resistance group," while another group called Momahidoun is to focus on social, religious and community work.

Interesting. Is Muqtada al-Sadr setting up an alternative government in Iraq? It seems so. Are we seeing an evolution in Iraqi government towards a system similar to the Iranian system where there is a popularly elected but largely powerless political branch and a ruling religious branch with Muqtada al-Sadr as the future Supreme Leader?

This may be the inevitable outcome and it may not be a bad thing for the Iraqis. Although, it is far from what the United States (regardless of who is president) and Israel would consider "liberation" or ideal to their interests.

It may also be possible that with US withdrawal, Iraq will explode into a real civil war that could easily continue into some distant "time horizon" set by various warring factors in the manner of Lebanon’s endless fighting. It would be prudent for the US to stay out of such a conflict… for a change.

Nevertheless, it would be wise for the US and al-Maliki’s government to set a timetable for withdrawal now… like immediately, tomorrow. It will have to be set eventually. The US can no longer afford a permanent military occupation of Iraq. And "victory" is meaningless rhetoric.

Al-Sadr and al-Maliki may be willing to agree to such a timetable; however, such gradual withdrawals often end up falling apart. One minor incident, a Humvee getting blown up for example, and the timetable could be turned over in a fit of rage. At other times gradual military withdrawals are simply more illusions perpetrated upon an ignorant and gullible public. The occupying forces could easily bring a token percentage of troops home under a grand fanfare while keeping the bulk of their forces ensconced in permanent military bases out of sight and ready to deploy at the whim of a tin star decider.

The White House and Pentagon could easily fool the American public and remain in Iraq. It’s happened before. It could very easily happen again.

Sayyid Muqtada al-Sadr has raised the ante, peace under his terms or possibly worse days to come. It seems he holds all the cards. It’s time to fold and get out of the game now… completely out.

August 11, 2008

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

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It’s no bed of roses at the top is it? As I’ve always said, nobody actually qualified to lead a country wants the job. Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has found out the hard way.

With a touch of bitterness on Wednesday, July 30, PM Olmert announced that he is stepping down and out in September. I can’t say as I blame him. His stint as Israeli PM has seen more lowlights than highlights. The 2006 revenge war where Israel bombed the snot out of Southern Lebanon in an attempt to destroy Hezbollah didn’t exactly come out the same way as previous Israeli wars. As usual, lots of civilians died. But unlike the PLO in 1982, Hezbollah was not routed from Lebanon. How could they be? Hezbollah is made up of mostly Lebanese rather than Palestinians intruding upon Lebanon. Israel came out looking like the losers, which they were, with humus all over their faces. Hezbollah survived which equals victory.

All this made Ehud Olmert look very bad in the eyes of the Israeli public not accustomed to humiliating defeats. Old Ehud just could not fill the shoes of his predecessor "war hero" and tough guy Ariel Sharon who so thoughtlessly dropped into a coma. Mr. Olmert got stuck with the thankless job of PM. How rude.

As the former mayor of Jerusalem, Ehud Olmert managed to accumulate a heap of dirty dealings and scandals. I don’t see what the fuss has been all about. That’s just good solid politics isn’t it? Oh well, the ghosts have been haunting Ehud much of late. It hasn’t helped that Israel exchanged a bona-fide murderer for the bodies of the two IDF soldiers kidnapped by Hezbollah, which set off the 2006 war. More humus on Israel’s face… as well as Ehud Olmert.

So time for new Israeli leadership.

But are these scandals, humiliations and defeats the real reason Ehud Olmert is calling it quits? Sure, they’re enough to topple any self-respecting leader. (My little joke. Leaders of States rarely earn respect except in their delusional minds… and on TV.) But I wonder, is there more to it?

As a rule the public is rarely shown anything more than the tip of the camel’s hump. The inner workings of State are well hidden and for good reason. They are never spoiled by any morality. Surprise, surprise. So is Ehud jumping or being pushed?

Not being a war hero of the 1967 Six-Day War hasn’t helped. Neither could Mr. Olmert claim a title as impressive as "The Butcher of Beirut" like Ariel Sharon. In fact Ehud has even dared to toy with the idea of… and I shudder at the thought… peace. A-ha! This may have been the straw that broke the Olmert’s back.

Under Olmert’s leadership what has been going on most recently? Peace talks with Syria the undeclared fourth hub in the Axis of Evil. Syria, the last country defeated by Israel in the 1967 war that has yet to sign a peace treaty with Israel. Syria, the friends of Iran. Syria, the supporters of… Hezbollah.

I would think that after 41 years some sort of peace deal with Syria would be a good idea. But what do I know?

You see there’s a little problem with peace and Syria. It’s called the Golan Heights. You all knew that didn’t you? Captured from Syria in 1967 the Golan is a great place to farm, raise sheep or shoot projectiles at kibbutzim in Galilee. I’m none too sure Israel has any intention of giving that chunk of real estate back. In fact, if you look at some maps of Israel, the Golan is part of Israel.

Syria tends to disagree. They insist on the return of the Golan Heights as a condition of any peace treaty. Think of it as "land for peace." Hm… where have I heard that before?

Syrian officials have held out the carrot of peace with the entire Arab world for the return of the Golan Heights. That would be a good thing if possible wouldn’t it? Do you suppose Prime Minister Ehud Olmert was tempted to bite?

Maybe talking peace with Syria is the real reason Olmert is being handed his yarmulke.

Consider who is lining up to replace Olmert.

According to a poll conducted by the Israeli paper Haaretz, former Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is favored by most Israelis as their next Prime Minister. He’s the man who tore up the Oslo Accords in favor of the Neocon-penned "Clean Break Report," a roadmap to more nasty business. (Yes, some of the very same Neocon "thinkers" who have led the U.S. into the pit of jackals.)

Another prime candidate for Prime Minister is Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni a former Mossad agent unwilling to give up the Golan Heights and quite willing to bomb Iran. Also as reported by Haaretz, Ariel Sharon’s inner circle is gathering their support for Ms. Livni.

It seems the powers that be of Israeli politics are pulling strings to install someone better suited to follow in the footsteps of the Butcher of Beirut than Ehud Olmert.

July 31, 2008

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

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In the next few months the Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World style dash to seek the pot of POTUS under the Big W, the two remaining contestants shall be spewing forth two themes: change and victory.

Wow, either one sounds great don’t they?

But are they really? Haven’t we heard these broken record promises from candidates to be America’s Next Top Dictator before… like every time there’s an election?

You betcha. Politics has never been tainted by any fair play or noble purposes. Phew, what a relief huh? Who can fool the most people most of the time is the name of the game.

Anyway, as I said here in America we have the choice between change and victory, Obama or McCain.

Let’s take a look at both change and victory starting with Barack Obama and change.

You know what? Change sounds good but it never guarantees anything… especially change. As a rule even if there is change, what we usually get is change for the worse. Under George W. Bush we’ve had seven and a half years of change. We changed from a country with a noble constitution to one with "just a goddamned piece of paper." We’ve changed from a country which stood up for human rights to one that tortures people for fun and profit. We’ve changed from a country where there was hope and opportunity with a strong middle class to one with little hope and the middle class is being crushed in favor of the elite. We’ve changed from a republic to a "unitary executive" Democratic Dictatorship. We’ve changed from a democracy to a media-powered corporotocracy.

Okay, to be fair to Dubya, all this change has been brewing in the pot for some time. Dubya’s just kicked it up a notch.

I’ve had enough of change. What we really need is restoration.

Restoration is not really a novel idea. We had an excellent restoration candidate in Ron Paul. Alas… the voices of reason are seldom heard. Are you listening Mr. Obama? Restoration is your mandate should you become the next POTUS. I would suggest a good read of Dr. Ron Paul’s book The Revolution: A Manifesto. It might be prudent to listen for a change.

I could go on and on as I dream about lollypops and rainbows, but basically, the US needs to be restored to that entity Thomas Jefferson, et al., created. No more talk of change please.

So what about victory and George W. McCain? Uh, I’m sorry, I mean John McCain. You know, it’s mighty hard to tell Bush and McCain apart sometimes. Everybody loves a delusional winner!

Well… What the hell is McCain talking about when he speaks of victory? Anyone with half a pig’s ear on the tracks of the Confused Talk Express knows that John McCain doesn’t have a clue… about anything! Has his brain turned to mush or Swiss cheese already? Has he been skipping his folic acid intake? Is he over-medicated or just senile?

Whatever the case let me explain something. The U.S. has already achieved victory in Iraq! Yes sir we done kicked ass, now let’s go home and watch Dancing With the Stars.

What actually was the big idea behind the invasion… uh… excuse me, "liberation" of Iraq? Beats me. Dubya never really explained it. Was it to save the world from the evil dictator Saddam Hussein and his WMD? Since there were no WMD, maybe Little George just wanted to upstage Big George. Okay, mission accomplished. Saddam is dead and Little George has left a bigger mark on history than Big George. Let’s go home. Dubya has victory.

Maybe I’m wrong. Was the idea to "liberate" the Iraqi people? Hm… wasn’t that the excuse they drummed up after they couldn’t find any WMD? Okay, they’re liberated. Over 1.2 million Iraqis have been liberated permanently. They’re dead. Four million more Iraqis are liberated from their homes and the rest are liberated from any pretense of a normal existence. I think there’s been more than enough "liberation" because of Dubya’s desire to play war president with his pile of toy soldiers. Speaking of which, over 4,000 US troops are dead, while the number of walking mutilated is beyond counting. Declare victory! Let’s go home before any more souls are liberated!

Or was the whole idea to destroy the whole infrastructure of Iraq and provide Israel with a huge buffer zone? Well Saddam ain’t gonna launch any Scud missiles at Tel Aviv now. In fact nobody in Iraq has that capacity anymore. You guessed it… Victory!

Besides, the Israelis are big boys now. I think they can take care of themselves. Time and again, history has proven this to be true. The US doesn’t need to fight their wars for them or pump billions of borrowed dollars from China, into the IDF. Israel is more economically stable than the US. They should be sending the US financial aid! Isn’t that what "friends" are for?

Or… surprise, surprise, was the invasion of Iraq was all about stealing Iraqi oil? Now the Big Four oil companies, Royal Dutch Shell, BP, Exxon-Mobil and Total, formerly ensconced in Iraq by the British Mandate only to be kicked out by Saddam Hussein get to go back. Isn’t that victory? I’d say it’s pretty safe to say this was a resource war of conquest. Fire up that Chevy Nova Bruce! We’re goin’ street racing tonight!

Today, there is no war in Iraq. There is only an illegal US occupation that the US cannot afford, economically or morally. But oil barons Dubya and Dick, "war hero" McCain plus the Big Four oil companies got the Iraqi black gold! Too bad the Iraqis don’t want us hanging around… or stealing their oil. Because it sure seems like we’re staying… for one hundred years maybe. Victory! But it’s not going to be pretty… as if it ever was.

So, what the hell is George W. McCain talking about? Simple; an endless occupation in Iraq until the US is so broke we cannot even afford to bring the troops home. 58 permanent basses and the world’s largest embassy for the next 100 years my ass! All to grab Iraqi oil. And God only knows what’s going to happen if anyone sitting in the Oval Office is insane enough to launch a strike on Iran. Whatever the result, it sure as hell won’t be victory but it will bring more disastrous change which could cancel any hope of restoration.

July 2, 2008

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

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It’s not anything new and revealing that America has gone insane. We all know that. But now our favorite bloated Federal Bureaucracy (as if we could pick one over any other), the Transportation Security Administration has taken one step beyond common decency.

It’s bad enough that TSA has turned the experience of flying into a total nightmare. But now they want to ogle our private parts! Yes, that’s right voyeurism is part of the TSA "experience." No you don’t get to uh… enjoy it. They do.

In the interests of providing even more "security" TSA is installing charming scanning booths that see-through clothes! Oh boy, now the filthy little TSA pervs can see what goodies you have hidden.

Of course, they claim they are looking for weapons, explosives… toothpaste. But I don’t buy it. Are we seriously to believe that the happy snickering face, safely hidden in another room, drooling over the scanner wouldn’t be arrested as a Peeping Tom… in a "normal" world that is?

I thought sex offenders went to the slammer and then had to register their whereabouts after they were released. Why bother? They’re down at the airport. And they are getting paid to do it!

Do the inspectors have to put in a quarter to view the passengers? If so, who supplies all the quarters? Oh… let’s be democratic and let the victims pay for their own "security." Sorry miss, you are going to have to give us a quarter so we can check out your… check out your… uh… naughty bits. The TSA perverts will get to see a lot more than those nail clippers they’re going to confiscate!

Oh but not to worry. While the TSA dirty old men … and women, let’s be fair… examine your "features" your face will be blurred out. Oh right! That makes me feel real secure! It’s not my face I want to keep private! Come on, they don’t call them "privates" for nothing.

And we thought the pat-down search was humiliating.

Now, I’m no constitutional expert or lawyer. But then that probably allows me to understand the constitution rather than become totally confused while seeking ways to reinterpret it to suit some diabolical agenda. But, it seems to me, security scanners that see through clothes are mighty close to violating the Fourth Amendment.

Here it is. What do you think?

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Hm… would you feel secure in your person while standing in a peep booth at the airport during your holiday trek across country to grandmother’s house? Do you think see through scanners might be unreasonable searches? And where’s the probable cause, warrant and oath or affirmation describing the place to be searched? Do we have to go to the dirty bookstore to find it? Do you suppose you might feel violated?

Rest assured wayfaring strangers, TSA promises that there will be no dirty pictures stored in their computers banks. Oh yeah?! Do they think we’re stupid?

In these days of domestic spying in the Rabidly Paranoid States of America, it’s only a matter of time before some Democratic Dictator decides that we need to keep all photos of everybody’s tattoos, surgical scars, colostomy bags and genitalia on file. One never knows what evils lurk inside a colostomy bag!

As things are right now, the pat down or peep show humiliation exam is a random check. Hm… you don’t suppose that attractive women with large breasts just might be "randomly" chosen at a slightly higher "random" rate than grandmothers?

Possibly TSA Peep Show Booths will inspire a revolution in fashion. Let’s go retro and bring back Valkyrie breastplates and chastity belts for women and codpieces for men… all made out of metal of course. That’ll put the kibosh on their jollies.

For now, travelers beware. If you’re not the type to display your "assets" to total strangers, choose the pat-down option while you still have the choice. Or, better yet, avoid the big airports where TSA is installing their adult toys, like Los Angeles or Miami or New York or Washington or Dallas or… pick one. It’s a safe bet they have TSA Peep Show Booths. Best to fly to Podunk and hitch a ride… don’t forget to chip in for the gas.

Oh heckers! I’ve got the solution! In the future all airline passengers will be required to fly naked. There. That should make TSA happy… the filthy little preeverts!

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

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Brave Kings of our own castles… uh… when the Queens permit us to sit on our thrones. Father’s Day is upon us. And we all know what that means. It means, we finally get to fix that rusty hinge on the doghouse we’ve been putting off for two years… or has it been three? I don’t know, but I do know this; doghouses don’t have hinges… except the one I live in… but if we don’t fix something we’re dead meat.

Okay… sorry to be a pessimist when I’m really as optimistic as Hickory Smoked Canned Spam! Father’s Day means we can skip shaving, stink like a pig, drink ourselves silly, tinker with the car or do whatever we want. It’s the only day of the year this is true. And even though often, after our wives reveal our plans to us, such wanton debauchery is not included in the agenda.

Nevertheless, we can depend on something rewarding… assuming we didn’t (vernacular understood) up on Mother’s Day! All y’all didn’t forget that now did you?

So what do we want most… aside from being left alone? Do we want a John Deere lawnmower? A trip to Rock u2018n’ Roll Fantasy Camp? A George W. Bush ventriloquist’s puppet? Reservations to the Israel Challenge Army Experience with Scooter where we can learn real IDF tactics to kill Palestinian women and children? I’m sorry… I meant "terrorist suspects." Hell NO!

These are all fine gifts, but what the neoconservative Man on the Go aiming towards financial and political dominance really wants for Father’s Day is the John McCain Golf Gear set!

Yessiree Bubba… or in this case Bubbette (hint, hint). We Men of Stature crave, covet and are compulsorily driven towards the McCain Golf Gear. It calls to us like the words of Ahmadinejad. Think of the envy on the links! The pride! The humiliation factor leveled at your opponent when he sees that your balls have the patriotic stamp of Boom Boom McCain!

Yes mien Fhrer, with your John McCain Golf Gear set you will be fully equipped to stay the course!

Leapin’ lizards General Petraeus! Do those balls explode on impact? Are they smart balls? Or are they packed and swollen with hubris and delusional?

That’s for McCain to know and you to find out Haji!

Of course, there could be some confusion at the more elitist country clubs around this great land of ours. "That’s my McCain ball!" "No. It’s my McCain ball. You hit yours in the rough!" Oh hell, just call Joe Lieberman to sort it all out. We don’t want confusion in the Straight Talk Fairway.

The thing that bothers me is why stop at golf gear? I want more McCain Goodies. Don’t you?

What about John McCain Flak Vests! Yeah baby! While taking a stroll through the mall the happy shopper will be totally safe with his John McCain Flak Vest! It’s made out of unobtainium and 100% guaranteed to stop a pellet gun! Besides, think of the discounts. Proprietors will agree to any degrading price just to rid their shop of the camera crew. Yes sir! The man sporting a John McCain Flak Vest is going turn a few heads and draw a crowd of admirers.

What other stylish McCain paraphernalia can and should be marketed before the McCain Train explodes over Tehran?

How about an electronic "action" figure of John McCain crooning "bomb, bomb, bomb Iran?" Groovy Daddy-O. It can be displayed next to the Jimi Hendrix action figure. The proud owner can marvel at both sides of the musical coin; one incompetent and one brilliant, one pro-oblivion and one anti-oblivion, one a Vietnam "war hero" and the other a… and I shudder at the thought… peace loving hippy. Hm… does that make Hendrix a war hero also?

As long as we’re thinking McCain "action" figures this one has got to be a winner! Remember that heart-warming photo of a sweaty and arrogant George W. Bush in the enraptured embrace of an equally sweaty and arrogant John McCain? You know, right after the passing of the anti-torture Military Commissions Act of 2006? That was the law that made it legal for POTUS to do what ever the (vernacular to honest) he wanted to anybody he wanted regardless of the US Constitution or those "quaint" Geneva Conventions including… uh… torturing them. Can we get ceramic bobble heads made up in that war-mongering pose? It seems like a natural. Both Bush and McCain are bobble heads anyway. What better iconic duo to defiantly post on the dash of the Hummer H3 gas-guzzler? Move over slowpoke! I’m comin’ through!

Now this one scares the beegeebers out of me: The John McCain… thong? No, no, no! That’s not right! I’m not sure a McCain thong is even cricket in the dank underbelly of the American Enterprise Institute. I can see no good coming from a McCain thong. It will only obliterate an otherwise fine day. Can you imagine the deflation late at night when the missus parades into the boudoir wearing a McCain thong? And don’t try telling us men we’re supposed to wear it! Shiver me timbers!

Honey Bunnies. There’s no point in dreaming. Stick with the John McCain Golf Gear set. In a few years we’ll be able to sell them on eBay for more than a can of Billy Beer!

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

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Now that the Indy 500 is under our belts and the kids are getting more rambunctious everyday we know what’s coming: Summer vacation!

What to do? What to do?

Unlike us Plebes, the High and Mighty can do what they what, when they want and where they want. An indoor skiing trip to Dubai? Sounds like a stone groove. Bundle up my overcoat!

There’s always the ever-popular family trek to Wally World. Pack up the kids in the Family Truckster and head out across country to the Happiest Place on Earth. Gas prices being what they are this may no longer be an option for the struggling family.

I suspect a big family excursion in a rented motor home may be out of the question also. Oh well, mom and dad are both working stiffs. Each gets only ten days "personal leave" all year. That has to be saved for that ruptured appendix and the dreaded trip to Grandma’s house for Christmas.

I like the idea of a Ted Nugent Sunrize Safari. Yes sir! Give little Billy the chance to bag a boar barehanded with a bowie knife! Best make sure Dick Cheney isn’t signed up too. Unfortunately, Ted’s camps also cost money. And despite the sage wisdom of the Economic Genius in Chief who has bankrupted the country on an Iraqi Adventure I suggest spending your token refund check from the IRS is not a good idea. They will want it back. Trust me.

So, more affordable R&R is the trend this year.

Here’s a good idea. Orlando, Florida has a really nice family resort with bargain basement prices including discounts to Disney World and Sea World! And what a tranquil name it has too: Shades of Green. There is one teenatchee little hitch though. It is for military personnel only. This means, I haven’t been there and can’t give it a review. If it’s all that the New York Times says it is, well, I’m all for it. Lord knows our fighting cannon fodder pay enough to deserve some quality R&R. But, unless Uncle Scam has already snagged you I don’t recommend signing up just for a stay at Shades of Green. Call me Mister Minus but a couple fifteen-month tours of Iraq, PTSD and/or a nasty case of Traumatic Brain Injury leading to a highly potential suicide just doesn’t make two weeks in the Florida sun seem worth it.

How about a good old-time camping trip! I’ve got just the place and it won’t break your bank account. In fact, if you even have a bank account you’re probably not permitted. I’m talking about Tent City in the fair cesspool of Ontario, California. You’ll get to hang out with all sorts of interesting people just like you… broke! Sounds great! When do we start? Well… there is a hitch to Tent City as well. You are required to be a resident of the City of Ontario to be homeless in Ontario.

That’s right Mr. Steinbeck; the Joads have no-where to go… again. That’s no fun at all! Of course no city wants a ramshackle shantytown next to the freeway. But come on! Be reasonable. They’re soon to be all the rage. One or two hundred more are likely to pop up around the country. That sub-prime lending scam was a doozy.

Anyway, it seems you need to make reservations ahead of time to stay in the Tent City. I wonder if you can do that on-line?

"We’re planning on being homeless and destitute as of July 4th, is it possible to reserve site 176 next to the railroad tracks? Uh… I need proof of residency?" Stated one happy camper: "When my husband gets out of jail he can bring my marriage certificate; will that count?"

Okay… so Tent City is booked solid. What other choices are there?

I’m at a loss. Well, I live on an island. I can bury my head in the sand. The sand should help protect my brain from the "news" if nothing else. How about the rest of you?

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

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Man, is my dander up now! You can’t get out of bed without some sort of totally absurd piece of flotsam shoved in your face.

After turning on my computer to read the daily horror stories, balderdash and propaganda lo and behold what do I discover? An invitation (advertisement) to join the 2008 Rock ‘n’ Roll Fantasy Camp Tour! Leapin’ windmills Pete! Are they kidding?

Nope.

Yes you, the wanna-be rocker can rock with the stars this summer and fulfill your wildest fantasies! You get to rock live on stage with actual Rock ‘n’ Roll Gods like uh… Paul Shaffer from David Letterman’s show… Huh? Okay, they do have some real rockers scheduled this year like Gilby Clarke of Guns and Roses! I didn’t know there was another guitar player besides Slash in that band. Guess I was wrong. Or… Kip Winger of Winger! Yeah, I forgot they existed too. And… Glen Hughes of Deep Purple! Now wait a minute. I smell a rat. Ritchie Blackmore was THE guitar player of Deep Purple. Who’s this dude?

Well, maybe I’m out of touch with what’s uh… cool.

Anyway, we all still have that primal and instinctive need to rock. Sadly… or fortunately… most of us never get the chance. So for the middle-aged white-collar worker maybe this is a sort of therapeutic service. Of course it’ll cost you just like your Prozac and Xanax but it’s not covered by insurance.

Just how much is the fee to rock? Well, sloppy journalist that I am I never got that far in the website. They wanted my name and email address and I wasn’t about to give them that info. But, I did see they require a $299 down payment. Hm… do you suppose this is "Pay To Play"?

Not to be a bitter old man, I hope those who sign up for Rock ‘n’ Roll Fantasy Camp have the time of their lives. And I’m serious. But be advised, fantasy is what they will get.

Therefore, I think it’s only fair I offer an alternative. Yes, let me suggest Rock ‘n’ Roll Reality Camp this summer! I will be your guide. After all, surviving three decades in the trenches gives me a degree of expertise. Just imagine the great time rockin’ out we’ll have!

First up you’ll need some gear. Sorry, it’s not provided at Rock ‘n’ Roll Reality Camp. Now, do not and I repeat, DO NOT go into Guitar World and blow three grand on a brand new Marshall stack or Slingerland drum kit. That would be cheating. Go to the local pawnshop and get something ugly, dubious and cheap. Same thing goes for your guitar. Buy something that looks like a truck ran over it. Real rockers start out playing gear de merde.

Bass drum held together with duct tape and super glue? Perfect! Heads beat to hell? Outstanding! That’s what the rest of the roll of duct tape is for. The guitar squeals like a stuck pig when you plug it in? Excellent! The amp doesn’t make a sound until you tinker with the speaker cable and then it makes strange buzzing and crackling noises? We’re getting there. And best of all, when you walk up to the microphone you get a major electrical zap that causes you to blank out for a few seconds? Now we’re cooking with Napalm and ready to rock!

Next up, songs. No, no, no! We are NOT playing Hotel California, Stairway to Heaven or Proud Mary! You are gonna write the material. Let me get you started. Get out that chord chart that came with the Mel Bay guitar book and learn these chords: E and A. If you know these two and have an index finger you can cheat and play almost anything. No, you won’t be any good, but then this is Rock ‘n’ Roll Reality Camp.

Once we have about ten crummy songs to learn, into the smelly, stinky rehearsal studio without A/C we head. The guys who work the place might be really cool if we pick a good studio. Or they might be a bunch of arrogant jerks that think they’re the next Chumbawamba.

Okay, we’re going to spend hours in this ten-foot by ten-foot hotbox every day until we don’t totally suck. But we sure will stink! Oh and uh… that ringing in your ears… uh… yeah… uh… ignore it. It will go away… when you die!

Can we start and stop together about 75% of the time? Yes? We’re ready. Let’s rock!

We’re going to need a gig. You gotta book it! Sorry, it’s all part of the "fun." I’ve been there and done that. That’s why you have to do it.

Pay to play shows are strictly verboten! If that’s what you wanted, why didn’t you sign up for R & R Fantasy Camp? Sorry Captain Sensible, we want the real thing.

Okay, after two months of groveling, pleading and butt kissing you’ve got us a gig! Wow that was fast! You could be the next Lou Pearlman. But what’s this? We’re not headlining on a Saturday night at the Hollywood Palladium? Well, what the hell did you expect? Our gig is on a Tuesday night at Friar Tuck’s Sports Bar in Pomona. We go on last at 1:30 AM and get thirty minutes. We also get 10% of the door. Again, I’m amazed. How do you smooth talk such a sweet deal?

However, I hate to break the news to you but last does not mean headlining. Last means mopping up after the headliner. Oh well, it’s our first gig. Rock on Bro.

Never mind that we’ll have to drive two hours to get to our triumphant debut. It’s time to cram everything into the Ford Econoline Van and hope it makes it over the hill.

Now here’s another reality of rock and roll. Once a band starts out on a "tour" somebody will get sick. Don’t ask why. I have no answer. But it’s a law of physics that never fails. With luck you’ll only have the worst head cold of your life. More realistically, you’ll have a real rip-snorter stomach bug that opens up the sluices at both ends. We will have to stop at every service station and Burger World along the way.

But the show must go on!

We made it to our destination and are ready to kick ass! It’s 6:30 PM and time for our sound check. But the sound guy isn’t here. Not to worry he’ll be here any minute. Uh… well… in reality, nobody does sound checks and that means "any minute" is in reality just before the first band. We have seven hours to kill.

What to do? With all our crap… uh, I mean equipment piled up in a corner of the bar we can’t leave. We could play pool, but the bouncers own the table and those tattoos on their necks do not say: "Let’s be friends." Best to leave them be. So that leaves sitting at the bar watching WWF pro-wrestling on the tube and drinking. What better way to spend a Tuesday night?

At about 10:00 PM the other bands are here and "the crowd" shows up… all fifteen of them. Half the people in the bar are in bands. Are we having fun yet? Good! Because now comes the bad news. The show is running late. The headliner (Silky and the Glow Worms) isn’t done with their set until 1:45 AM. That leaves us just fifteen minutes before closin’ time. Better haul ass!

We rip into our glorious opening number and guess what? We’re out of tune. NO! Don’t stop to fix it Kurt Cobain! That’s not what the Dead Boys would do. Besides, there are only six people left in the audience. At this point, who cares?

Five anthems of rock later the power on the stage is cut right in the middle of our closing opus. There is uh… "polite applause." The head bouncer, Thor, walks up to you (you booked the gig remember?) and says: "You guys made $8. You can pick it up tomorrow. Your bar tab is $87. Pay up."

Also one of our fans… I didn’t know we had any… broke the toilet in the Ladies Room and… you guessed it… we have to pay.

Well, the ride home is rather quiet. Nobody says a word. We’ve all had such a rockin’ kick ass time. When’s the next gig?

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

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The island of Grand Cayman in the Caribbean has iguanas. Big deal, right? Iguanas are all over the tropics. Sure, but Grand Cayman is the only place in the world where there are blue iguanas, not the common green variety. A source of national pride for the Cayman Islands, blue iguanas are on the endangered species list. Only an estimated 400 blue iguanas are left in the wild. To help preserve them the Botanical Gardens operates a breeding facility for these unique creatures.

Saturday night, May 3, someone broke into the Botanical Gardens and brutally killed six adult blue iguanas important to the breeding program. Two of the dead females were preparing to lay eggs.

With all the human death and suffering in the world today, why is the murder of six blue iguanas relevant? In perspective it seems rather trivial. Ah… but more is revealed here than meets the eye. What was the motive and what will the reaction be?

Was this the drunken act of some sicko who decided it would be fun to stomp some iguanas? Or was this an act of vengeance at Caymanian Society? I’m just speculating here, but my guess is the latter. Somebody probably had his or her visa renewal denied and wanted to lash out.

In the past several years Grand Cayman has seen a number of shockingly brutal crimes the likes of which I never saw in fifteen years of living in Los Angeles. Sadly, the finger of blame usually points to bad elements from Jamaica.

Well, Jamaica is impoverished and rife with violent crime. Life is cheap. Urban congestion and poverty usually breed such things. And now, some of it has spilled over to the Cayman Islands.

The emotional knee jerk reaction I’ve heard is: "Deport them all! Let the good Jamaicans take care of the bad ones!" But is that really a viable or realistic alternative?

Like the low income Latinos in Los Angeles I’ve found the majority of Jamaicans I’ve met here to be great people. They have great senses of humor and morality without the arrogance found in the more privileged levels of society. I’d rather hang out with Jamaicans and Latinos than a group of Yale or Harvard grads any day. Of course there is no way I’ll deny that there are some nasty customers to be avoided in any culture especially Latin America and Jamaica.

So what to do? There’s no simple answer unless one wants a bad one. Deport all Jamaicans and import a new lower class ethnic group to do the labor? Is this not punishing an entire nationality for the bad seeds and societal flaws which created them in the first place? What guarantee is there that the replacement bottom rung members of society won’t eventually have their own criminal element?

Maybe this is the way of the future, rigidly controlled borders and policies in the name of "security." Will the US complete its fence along the Mexican border? The Gaza Strip is already an open prison with 1.5 million suffering inmates. The Palestinian West Bank has its Matrix of Control and its growing separation barrier. Baghdad is gradually being converted into walled-in security zones with Sadr City being the current containment project.

How far will this police state mentality of ethnic isolation, cleansing and control go? Will it extend to walling-in South Central Los Angeles? How about Washington DC? Are there populations of people there where crime is bred and as such, they need to be enclosed and controlled? Just about every city has their nasty areas. It seems absurd but absurd has been the norm in Bush’s Brave New World. Do we really want to lock in the people who live in the sub-prime communities and thus shut out any opportunity to ever get out… all in the name of "security?" I can’t think of a better formula for creating hatred, violence and the need for more security.

Well, I don’t have a solution. I’m not sure there is one. But I am sure that State-sponsored programs of control, which deny opportunities, can only make things much worse for everybody. Humanity will always have its ugly side. The Powers That Be are no exception.

Maybe I’m a bit overly upset. After all, it was only six blue iguanas.

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

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In the days of my youth I was lucky enough to have parents as teachers. No, they didn’t beat me for not doing my homework. What this meant is that the whole family had a three-month vacation during the summer. Rather different than today’s world where both parents have ten days personal leave per year and the kids must be tended to by strangers running mystery camps during the summer like… uh… law camp or thespian camp.

Since my dad was a high school science teacher and we were from the Mid-West we’d take long cross-country camping trips. I saw the Great American West up close and personal time and time again. To this day, I am not actually at peace unless I am driving and camping around this magnificent part of the world.

One year, we made the drive up to see Mt. Rushmore. You know the place. It’s that granite rock with the heads of four presidents hacked into it. What a lasting impression to American mentality it made on this lad.

I will ever forget the look on my parent’s faces. They kept their opinions to themselves but I know what they were thinking. Same thing as me: Mt. Rushmore must have been really nice when it was known as Six Grandfathers by the Lakota Sioux. Oh but in its infinite nincompoopery, the Federal Government saw fit to procure, rename and mutilate. Now Six Grandfathers is (vernacular relegated to the slag heap) up good as the Four POTUS.

No comment on Washington, Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt and Honest Abe but I can’t believe any of those four men would have approved of this abomination on nature. These monstrous busts and the giant slagheap of rubble below is quite the monument to arrogance. Well, there’s no returning it to nature now!

Mt. Rushmore is not art, nor does it honor anybody. At least Christo has the decency to remove his curtains and umbrellas after a couple of weeks. And Banksy only defaces man made ugly. Besides, those two actually have some artistic talent.

Well, monumental edifices to stupidity continue to pop up from time to time. And now America has a whopper to be proud of. What pray tell could this Syphilitic White Elephant be? Folks, it’s not a national attraction you can visit like the World’s Largest Ball of Dung (currently on display in the heart of Washington DC). It’s the United States Embassy in Iraq.

And it didn’t come cheap either. It only cost the taxpayers $740 million borrowed dollars… and the fire alarms still don’t work. Assuming that loan ever gets paid off… my little joke… I wonder how much the final tab will be after interest is calculated? Will China simply foreclose and convert it into the Chinese Embassy in Iraq? Or will future generations be paying out the butt trumpet until we’re all fossil fuels for the Mantis Monarchy and Roach Republic to fight over?

Sprawling over 104 acres of prime Baghdad real estate the US Embassy in Iraq is one stunning monument to stupidity. But at least unlike most US contracted "reconstruction" projects… I still don’t understand how you can reconstruct something when you’re not finished destroying it yet… the powers that be saw fit to stay the course in a new way forward towards actual completion. Overlooking the banks of the Tigris River in the Cradle of Civilization, the largest embassy in the world shines like a beacon to… uh, beacon to… freedom and democracy don’t seem to fit… a beacon to incoming mortar shells and home made rockets! It just makes one beam with pride doesn’t it?

So… what does Uncle Scam intend to do with it now?

Hm… good question. Well, despite all the publicity, Iraq has not developed into a tourist magnet… like the World’s Largest Ball of Dung. In fact Iraq hasn’t "developed" at all since the US so thoughtfully liberated it from stability. Ok, that rules out peering at the Monument to Stupidity through coin operated telescopes on the banks of the Tigris or taking narrated tram rides through it.

How does the US embassy in Iraq compare in size to the actual Iraqi government offices? Trick question. There are no actual Iraqi government offices. However if the Iraqis had a real government I’m sure they could take over the US Embassy and still have room for camel races in the halls.

And empty halls seem to be what the US has so proudly built.

Oddly, State Department employees seem reticent to move in. What gives? It’s new! It’s more fortified than a box of Wheaties! And… it has a food court! Are they afraid KBR is contracted to provide the food? Or is it possible that emergency escape helicopter pads are less plentiful than life rafts on the Titanic?

Not that it matters. Sending State Department lackeys to work in the US Embassy in Iraq would cost more money. The operational costs of the Baghdad Monument to Stupidity are guestimated to be $1.2 billion a year. Well, that seems a bit steep.

The State Department lackeys… uh I mean "diplomats" can do the same inept jobs here at home for half the cost… still to much. And frankly, what in the heck would they do in Iraq anyway? There’s nothing to administer. And so far I’ve seen no evidence of "diplomacy." Are they going to oversee the black hole as it sucks up US dollars, weapons and lives? I hate to say it but black holes operate according to their own laws of physics, not the delusions of bankrupt Empires. In this case, "reality" is not what White House spin-doctors create… but it never was.

So there sits another great American Monument to Stupidity in the heart of Baghdad in all it’s uh… glory… a permanent edifice to America’s Imperial Neocon Master Plan. I hope they at least sell postcards and bumper stickers.

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

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A long time friend exclaimed: "Of course the war in Iraq is working! If it wasn’t every street corner would have a mosque and we’d all be forced to convert at gunpoint!"

It was rather a sad thing to hear. I couldn’t help but wonder where his shocking Islamophobia came from. I have to suspect the usual culprits, the mainstream news, late-night comics, talk radio, the list goes on.

Such is the era of George W. Bush’s with us or against us mentality. However it would be unfair to place this Western fear of Islam on George’s shoulders. His foreign policies have exacerbated the fear of Islam but as much as I think he is incompetent at best, George W. Bush is not to blame. The Western fear of Islam goes back centuries since the days of the Crusades to reclaim the Holy Land and the defeat of the Crusaders by Salah al-Din. In America the Iranian Islamic Revolution of 1979 with the hostage crisis was a turning point towards greater fear of Islam.

My friend’s fear and ignorance of Islam is staggering. But it’s not uncommon. The fact is that he, like many are afraid. They are afraid of what they do not understand.

Most Americans know nothing about the true nature of Islam. What they do know is often distorted media presentations governed by agenda driven think tanks and "opinion leaders." It is what Robert Parry refers to as "perception management."

In the post-9/11 era, managing the perception of Islam as a violent aggressive religion has been a simple task, too simple. Hysterical angry "experts" with little or no real understanding have been more than happy to drive the campaign of Islamophobia. They write hate-filled books, rant on TV and radio and fill the Internet with their fear mongering… often to make a buck.

The desperate acts of resistance groups Hamas and Hezbollah have not helped their cause or the perception of Islam in the west. But then their actions are rarely portrayed in a fair context. The inflammatory rhetoric of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has served only to exacerbate the situation. All too often, his statements have been deliberately misquoted and out of context in the Western press. Ahmadinejad is a master propagandist and politician grandstanding to the Iranians and much of the world. Everything he says should be taken with a heavy dose of salt.

Is this representation of Islam as a collective of hysterical fanatics realistic?

There are those who sincerely believe it to be true. However, is that a rational view? Not hardly. It is not based on reason or experience but rather emotion and ignorance.

A survey conducted between 2001 and 2007 by the Gallup Research Center of tens of thousands of Muslims around the globe failed to find a trend of murderous hysteria. The vast majority of Muslims have the exact same values as most Christians and Jews. Family, friends leading a good moral life are as important to Muslims as anyone else.

But what about terror and the word that sends shivers up the spines of the Western backs: jihad?

Terror is simply a tactic most often used by weaker resistance movements and radicals rather than a unique trait of Islam. One of the most brutal organizations which employs terror, and has for years, is the secular group the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Elam in Sri Lanka… not Muslims.

Often terror is employed on a grand scale by the most powerful states. I find it hard to view General Tecumseh Sherman’s famed March to the Sea, a campaign waged on civilians, or the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki as nothing more than state-sponsored terror.

And what of jihad?

Often sited in the mainstream press as a "holy war" implying Muslims waging war against "infidels." Nothing could be further from the truth. A more accurate and general description of jihad is that it is a struggle to live a just and righteous life as God intends.

However, there have always been those throughout history who have abused the term jihad, as a rationalization for aggressive actions be they empire expansion or the suicide bombing of a night club in Tel Aviv.

Is the use of religious rationalizations limited to Islam or have Christian and Jewish leaders been guilty of the same thing? Could it be Islam is not to blame for the murderous nature of "humanity"?

Returning from battle to defend his growing community of Islam from extermination the Prophet Muhammad is said to have told his followers: "We return from the lesser jihad (battle) to the greater jihad." The greater jihad Muhammad was speaking of was the daily struggle of the soul.

Muhammad was breaking with the tribal social structure of seventh century Arabia and rattling long-set pagan beliefs. As such, Muhammad and his community of Islam had to defend themselves against the status quo. Muhammad’s wars were political decisions not zealous religious campaigns. In Islam defense is acceptable, aggression is not.

Muhammad considered Jews and Christians to be "People of the Book." The Patriarchs, Moses and Jesus are all considered prophets in Islam. Jews, Christians and Muslims all believe in the same god. There’s nothing in the Qur’an about killing non-Muslims simply because they’re non-Muslims. That concept is pure ignorance and should not be tolerated.

Possibly a good fair history of Islam, a good biography of the Prophet Muhammad and a good English interpretation of the Qur’an might be a better source of information than the ravings of hate-filled lunatics.

The fact is that Islam is not a threat to anybody. Ignorance and fanaticism is a threat to everyone no matter where it originates. It’s a universal curse that favors no religion over another.

Islamophobia is a disease eating away at the Western soul and endangering all of mankind. Now we have our own jihad to eradicate it once and for always.

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

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Well come on all you big strong men.
Uncle Sam needs your help again.
Got himself in a terrible jam.
Way down yonder in Vietnam!
~ Country Joe MacDonald

Wait one darn tootin minute here! Shouldn’t that last line be: "Way down yonder in… uh… Iraq?" No, that doesn’t work. Got it. "Way down yonder in Afghanistan!" At least it rhymes.

It may not be A Long Way To Tipperary but Country Joe’s classic "war" song still brings a tear to the eye. And it’s just as applicable today as it was during the glory days of the Vietnam War. Don’t you all love it when history repeats itself?

In Vietnam days charming little notices showed up in the mail informing the youthful Free Fodder when and where to report. Yessiree Colonel Klink, I’m talking about the draft, mandatory conscription into the armed services so the Youth of America could have the opportunity to die for… die for… just give me a minute… It was something noble and heroic. Oh yeah! Freedom and Democracy!

I’m not sure how getting your head blown off in South East Asia was supposed to defend der Fatherland… uh… I mean "Homeland" from the International Communist Conspiracy, but it was. I was just a twerp in high school wondering how this SoCal desert rat would weather the cold of Canada if I couldn’t convince my draft board that I was unfit for duty in my stylish Wizard of Oz Dorothy outfit while puffing on an asthma inhaler.

No longer are such shenanigans required.

Thanks to progressive enlightenment, yanking kids off the street and shoving an M-16 in their hands is no longer considered politically correct. Phew… what a relief! However, Uncle Scam does not want any child to be left behind. The opportunity for the current breed of whippersnappers to get their intestines splattered all over their Humvees for Freedom still exists.

As we all know the draft has been replaced with the much more insidious con game of the all-volunteer military. Madison Avenue packaged snake oil has moved in to seduce the young, loud and snotty into being all that they can be… uh… depending on what’s left of them after their multiple deployments to the Cradle of Civilization. See the world as you help to destroy it!

Big decisions face the potential high school grad. Like the timeless question: "What the hell do I do now?"

Hm… there is trouble in River City for America’s youth teetering on the edge of adulthood. Let’s see… can’t hang out in the pool hall anymore. Burger World isn’t hiring these days. Nobody’s putting a Dodge in their garage anymore. College? Good idea. That can stave off maturity for years… until the money runs out. Oh but wait! Ma and Pa are having one tough time making the payments on their sub-prime loan. And that C- grade average combined with those low test-scores… well… let’s just say Harvard and Yale aren’t climbing over each other to sign up little Scooter. Maybe there is a better way to better one’s self.

Luck be a lady tonight! Look who has your kid’s home phone number and address! Why it’s G.I. Joe! What a nice regular guy too. He’s cool. Teens can talk to him. He might even pop into the cafeteria for a chat during lunch period. Wow… this guy cares! Impressive, but… just how did the local military recruiter get this information?

His school gave it to him.

Like I said… Uncle Scam wants no child left behind. Education has nothing to do with it. You see, if you’ll fire up the old PC and check it out you just might find this cute clause in the NCLB Act: SEC. 9528. ARMED FORCES RECRUITER ACCESS TO STUDENTS AND STUDENT RECRUITING INFORMATION.

To save you all the trouble, basically it says the administrators of your kid’s school must give the military headhunters (don’t call them cannibals!) your kid’s name, address and phone number.

Oh, the wise parent can opt out by signing a form. Unfortunately, most school districts pass out a generic form that also automatically includes opting out of colleges and potential employers… like uh… America’s biggest sub-prime employer, The Federal Government… or Burger World.

The schools don’t really want to ruffle the feathers of the Federal Father Monster. That’s where the funding comes from. However, the informed parent can protect their young by writing a letter to the school administrators specifying that personal info may not be given to military recruiters but may, and should be given to colleges… or Burger World.

Well, things don’t look good for the youth stepping out of the Airstream Trailer for the first time do they? Maybe courses in Mandarin Chinese should be required curriculum in high school. Prom King Biff just might want to stow away on a freighter bound for Shanghai and get an illegal job as the gardener for a Chinese banker.

But I digress.

Does it seem like a good idea to have military recruiters poking their noses into our children’s futures? Despite the fact that eighteen-year-olds know everything (just ask one), aren’t they usually gullible and naïve boobs? Hey, I’m not ashamed to admit I was. How about you?

Teens are sitting ducks for the seductive powers of the military canib… uh… headhunters. Those bloodsuckers will promise opportunities too good to be true. And usually if it’s too good to be true, it ain’t true. They’ll promise money for college, skills for civilian life, even US citizenship, and the opportunity of a lifetime, however short that may be. What great fun. Just ask the US Army’s virtual Sergeant Star. It’s just like a video game with even better graphics!

And graphics is what they’ll get.

Do the military headhunters tell them just how real the graphics are? Hell no! Staff Sergeant Norris sure as hell ain’t gonna pull out some colored glossies of head wounds from a fifty-caliber machine gun or bloated corpses rotting in the noonday sun. They might spoil the festive lunchtime mood.

Do you suppose the friendly military recruiter is going to mention anything about the roughly 120 suicides per week of veterans? Naw. Could some veterans be having… dare I say it… troubles? Well, I wouldn’t worry about that. It cuts down on taxpayer burden.

Anyone still in the service unlucky at getting out the hard way can bank on a second chance. Uncle Scam’s more than happy to send them back to the Iraqi Front, however many times it takes to get the job done.

Here are some other goodies that might not get promised. How about physical therapy to learn to walk again? Or therapy to learn how to write with the remaining hand? Is there funding for that spiffy new titanium hook? Will there be years of therapy for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Traumatic Brain Injuries? Gonna need it. Those IEDs pack such a wallop the shock waves alone are enough to scramble the brains for keeps. Best not to talk about these things when trying to sucker a seventeen-year-old kid into signing up before graduation.

What opportunities actually remain in civilian life for these shells of our youth after they’re discharged? Does anyone seriously believe life will be all hunky dory for the returning young veteran? Now that they’ve been used up and spit out, is Uncle Scam actually interested in lending a helping claw?

For every hour the Military recruiters prey on our young, the potential teenage enlistee should spend fifteen minutes with an actual combat veteran. Those fifteen minutes might save their lives. But does Uncle Sam really want to save lives?

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

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Two terms of gloriously delusional leadership are poised come to an end next January. What will we do without our old toga chum Dubya? He’s a tough act to follow. Who can possibly replace the worst US president in history?

At one thing Americans do excel: picking lousy presidents. James Bryce writing in 1888 observed: u201Cthe ordinary American voter does not object to mediocrity. He has a lower conception of the qualities requisite to make a statesman than those who direct public opinion in Europe have.u201D

Yeah that’s it! Senator Mediocre Buffoon for President! If Americans could clone, we could resurrect a real stinker. We’d have so many to choose from.

However, I have no fear that quality will taint the White House anytime in the foreseeable future. Bush’s replacement… as if anyone could replace The Decider… may just be as deranged and confused!

That’s right, you guessed right. The secret word for tonight is: "Amnesia!" The Moron-in-Chief is likely to be replaced by the Amnesiac-in-Chief. We’re talking about Boom Boom McCain. Or is that Bam Bam? I forget. No wait… It’s Bomb Bomb McCain. Oh what’s the difference?

I’ll bet Dubya feels a certain degree of optimism. If McCain wins the big Booby Prize, he’s all set to follow in Bush’s goose steps and may score even lower opinion polls.

Yes! Your new Boom Boom (flows off the B-2 better than Bomb Bomb) comes fully loaded with "Dubya Vision"™ (soon to be available over the counter). A modern medical miracle, DV™ confers a magical ability to only see what one’s handlers make up… And then promptly forget it!

So, how has Dubya Vision enhanced the mind of John Sidney McCain III? Sidney? Have there really been three of them too?

Didn’t Boom Boom have something to do with that monster in the closet The Military Commissions Act of 2006? I thought he was opposed to it… but I forget… just like he does.

Intended to rein in Dubya’s uncontrollable lust for imprisonment and torture, in fact the MCA ’06 has given the man… or woman… holding the POTUS card dictatorial power to use whatever "enhanced interrogation techniques" he or she wants to whomever he or she wants for as long as he or she wants. Thomas de Torquemada would turn green with envy.

In the end however, wasn’t Boom Boom up there center stage embracing the whole kit and caboodle?

From Day One his campaign for the GOP nomination has been plagued with boners. In March 2007, Christina Bellantoni wrote in the Washington Times: "Sen. John McCain yesterday apologized for saying the lives of the troops killed fighting the war in Iraq were u2018wasted,’ becoming the latest White House hopeful recanting his word choice within hours of announcing 2008 candidacy."

Troops "wasted" in Iraq? That may be the last time we hear "straight talk" from John Boy. Pick your definition of "wasted." They’re both offensive and they’re both accurate.

However, all was lollypops and rainbows during that afternoon stroll through the Baghdad market. The way McCain described things you’d have thought he took a visit to Universal’s City Walk above Hollywood. The flak jacket, the troops, the snipers, the Blackhawk helicopters, the Apache gunships… what a great show! Never mind that a heap of merchants with whom McCain was chummy turned up dead a few days later. Maybe the merchants’ relatives were able to sell McCain autographs to pay for the funerals? One must not collaborate with the enemy!

And what’s the most recent McCain scoop? The surge is working. Still? In a camel’s humps it’s working. But since Bush instigated surging as a result of McCain’s urging, you’d better believe Boom Boom is going to stay the course and back his, I mean Bush’s surge. How many more surges does he have up his pants leg?

And for how long does McCain plan on the Surge to be "working"? One hundred years? Man, that’s going to be tough to argue with. I intend to bail out of the armed madhouse long before that!

Makes you wonder what Iraqi cleric and leader of the Mahdi Army Muqtada al-Sadr thinks about one hundred years of imperialist American occupation? Somehow, I don’t think he’d give it a thumbs up, do you? What a sourpuss! He needs Dubya Vision big time.

Frankly, it’s al-Sadr who controls the level of violence or peace in Iraq. Neither what remains of Bush’s much vaunted "coalition of the willing," nor Iranian loudmouth President Ahmadinejad, let alone the Iraqi puppet government, does more than react. All al-Sadr needs to do is release the hounds and all hell will break loose again.

Thanks to Dubya Vision, McCain knows who the enemy is! It’s the Sunni al-Qaeda in Iraq, which is trained by Shi’ite Iran… Say what? Well, fortunately Boom Boom had Senator Joe Lieberman there to straighten him out. Hm… do you think Lieberman will be McCain’s choice as his number-one handler… kind of like Dick Cheney? What a happy thought.

Why does Dubya have such a low approval rating while McCain seems to be riding a wave of support? Has the war on drugs failed to halt the flow of Dubya Vision? Does America really want four, or eight, or one hundred more years of imperialism, illegal wars and bankruptcy? Does America really want to be hated as the bullies of the world? This is what Bush brought to the table. McCain intends to stay the course regardless of the outcome.

Do we really want these things?

But now, ask yourself, what has been Dubya’s biggest black mark? Was it the economic collapse, or the shredding of the Constitution, or Geneva Convention violations at Abu Ghraib, and Gitmo? Was it inflation at the gas pump or record home foreclosures? Was it all that eavesdropping on your text messages? Sorry John Doe. It’s something much worse.

The reason for Bush’s unpopularity is that the invasion of Iraq has not been a cakewalk. American troops were not met with flowers. The war in Iraq has been worse than a humanitarian, military and economic disaster… It has been… and I shudder at the thought… an embarrassment!

We Americans hate to be embarrassed. We are accustomed to being on the winning team. This, then, is the origin of Boom Boom McCain’s popularity. As a friend so succinctly put it: "Obama and Clinton are Communists! Pray to God McCain can pull a rabbit out of the hat!" I have no doubt McCain believes there is a rabbit in his hat but hadn’t he better ask a Secret Service Agent to remove it? It might be a member of al-Qaeda in Iran… uh… I mean Iraq.

Thanks to enhanced delusional techniques, Boom Boom McCain has a history of not simply flip-flopping but as concluded by Steve "The Carpetbagger" Benen: "The new McCain completely disagrees with the old McCain."

You don’t suppose Boom Boom can’t remember which foot he stuck in his mouth last week? Gee… was it the left or the right foot? Is the war in Iraq going to be over soon or last one hundred years? To whom is he related, Scottish king Robert the Bruce or is it First Lady Laura Bush? Time to call in the honorable Senator from Connecticut: Hey Joe! Can you straighten Boom Boom out on these confusing issues?

As president, McCain could bomb the wrong country, misplace the red telephone, face Jerusalem by accident while trying out his new $5 prayer rug. He’d make the ideal president of a country that ships fuses for nuclear weapons to Taiwan by mistake. But that’s okay as long as losing another war does not embarrass us.

Bet you my last tab of Prozac that in November, more than enough voters will pack up their embarrassments in the old kit bag, jump on the Dubya Vision Express with McCrazy and smile, smile, smile.

Note to all out loyal readers: I must give credit where credit is due and thank Elizabeth Gyllensvard for all her expert help. Without her I would not have been able to write half as many stories half as well. Many of the cleverest comments were her ideas, such as "Dubya Vision" which I had a lot of fun with. Also she is a tireless researcher. Without her dedicated work, I would have been just some bum talking out of his hat. Thank you dearly, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth Gyllensvard is retiring from the column to spend more time with her newts.

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean. Elizabeth Gyllensvard [send her mail] no longer lives in Washington D.C., and spends her time reading British history.

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It’s time to set a new precedent. For the past seven years Bush/Cheney and Co. have been doing an outstanding job trashing the US Constitution. That Military Commissions Act of 2006 was a real Neocon crowd-pleaser. However, it’s time for the State to take aim at another pillar of the Constitution. Coming under fire right now is the favorite target of the State, the Second Amendment.

Just to refresh your memories, here it is:

Amendment II

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

Many Americans do not comprehend the meaning of this sentence. Well, that’s understandable since it was written over 200 years ago.

Fortunately… or unfortunately… we have the Supreme Court and a whole slew of lawyers to debate what this means in order to split hairs, "once and for all," who gets to pack heat.

The District of Columbia has had gun control laws in effect since 1975. One result of this is that the gun crime rate in the nation’s capitol has been perilously high. The year 2007 saw 181 murders, up 7.7 percent from 2006. And another has been this lawsuit.

Writing for the Christian Science Monitor, Warren Richey has been covering the case. Seeking and failing to obtain permission to keep a handgun at this home, "Dick Anthony Heller, a special police officer at the Federal Judicial Center… sued in early 2003, charging that the handgun ban and other measures violated his Second Amendment right."

On Tuesday, March 18, the Court heard arguments in District of Columbia v. Heller which case concerns the Second Amendment. The Court’s historic decision will be handed down sometime this summer.

Last year, the D.C. Circuit Court "ruled that the Second Amendment right is a personal one, at least to have a gun for self-defense in one’s own home." Displeased with that ruling, the city of Washington DC took the case to the Supreme Court.

The Christian Science Monitor sums up: "District of Columbia v. Heller requires the high court to confront a series of questions. First, what kind of right does the Second Amendment secure, a collective, militia-related right or an individual right?

"Second, if it secures an individual right, is that right violated by a handgun ban and other strict gun-control measures such as those enacted in Washington?"

The kicker for the Justices is "what level of constitutional scrutiny" may be applied to gun-control laws on the books in Washington DC.

The problem is, and has been, these three words: "well regulated militia." Anti-gun folks may read this to mean that to serve the security of the state are only members of state-recognized militias allowed to have guns. NASCAR fans and others who support the right of the individual to own a firearm, focus on this section: "the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed." Nobody seems able to agree. Often they seem more concerned with reading the Second Amendment in the way that best serves their own biases.

Was the Second Amendment placed there so that Daniel Boone could bag a buck for dinner? Or was it put in place to drive out the Red Coats? Or both?

Is the right to own a gun part of a person’s inalienable right to self-defense? About which William Blackstone wrote that it "is indeed a public allowance, under due restrictions, of the natural right of resistance and self-preservation, when the sanctions of society and laws are found insufficient to restrain the violence of oppression."

Is it there to ward off the FBI as they come to take you away for ordering a copy of the Qu’ran from Amazon.com? Hm… I wonder how they found out about that? Is it there to pop those pesky gophers digging up our manicured golf courses? Or is it simply an outlet so we can go to the shooting range and feel like Real Americans like John Wayne, Chuck Heston and Jack Ruby!?

I’m not too keen on gun ownership. However, before anybody starts accusing me of "liberal bias" hear me out. As far as I’m concerned a civilized society does not need firearms for personal defense. A civilized society does not need to regulate them either.

Is America a civilized society? Well, that’s open for debate. Some civilized societies have much stricter gun control laws… and much more violent crime.

If one reads the US Constitution and pays close attention to the style of language used, one could deduce that the intent of the Second Amendment is clear. You and I can keep and bear whatever damned thing we want to.

The fact that Van Heflin did not carry a Big Iron on his hip was his choice. But when Jack Palance rode into town, Van sure as hell must have been pleased that Shane was not under arrest for possession of a firearm.

Here’s what really ought to scare us about this summer’s historic Supreme Court decision: the folks who are making it. Should those nine weasels be entrusted to interpret the words of much wiser and quite possibly more honest men? Let’s face it, the Founders were right 99.9% of the time but two recent Supreme Court decisions occurred when five out of nine of the Justices ordered the state of Florida to stop the recount during the 2000 presidential election. Not content with that bone-breaker, three days later seven out of nine Justices ruled to reverse the Supreme Court of Florida’s decision to order manual recounts in certain counties.

And look what we got out of those two shabby rulings: the loser! And we’ve been stuck with that loser for seven-and-a-half years. Trust the Supreme Court to anoint as president a profligate warmonger rather than the election’s obvious winner who has gone on to win a Nobel Prize. The fact that Daddy Bush appointed two (Souter and Thomas), members of that Gang of Nine, makes those catastrophic, historic decisions rather suspect.

It certainly was not in the best interest of the nation. Things have been rotten in Washington ever since.

Doesn’t this make you all a tad nervous? Not only should this scare the hell out of those with "liberal bias," but also it should alarm those with annual reservations at Ted Nugent’s Sunrise Safari hunting camp.

What if a majority of those nine wiseacres decide that possession of a firearm is only permissible if one is a member of a state-approved "well regulated militia?" Those who want the guns off the streets will hold a love-in. Those who own DVD copies of every movie Clint Eastwood ever made will be firing their ordnance into the air in defiance.

The reality is that it would be bad news for both.

Ask yourself, what exactly is a "well regulated militia?" Oh… it’s a… it’s a group of… uh armed citizens to defend the State. Right…

And how does a group of gun owners form a "well regulated militia?" Do they make up a logo and raise a flag? Too simple. Will they have to fill out a massive heap of forms and apply to Uncle Sam to be recognized? Will they have to be fingerprinted and have computer chips placed in their teeth? Will their names and Social Security numbers be printed on the bullets they buy?

And would such a decision put the power of deciding who and what is a "well regulated militia" into the hands of the federal government?

You bet it does.

The Men with the Badges will get to keep their firearms. The National Guard and armed forces will certainly get to keep theirs. How about the private military contractors like 3D Global Solutions, Aedion Corporation, ALGIZ Corp., Alpha Point Security, AirScan, AQMI, Blackwater, BDM, BrianThorn, C3 Defense, Critical Intervention Services, Custer-Battles, Berodt Dynamics, DefenseSecurity, Defion International, DynCorp, Elite Security Corps., ITT, ISCS International, International Security Instructors, Jax Desmond, KBR, Global PMC Recruitors, MPRI, ManTech International Corporation, Northbridge Services Group, Northrup Grumman, Overwatch Protection Solutions International, Paratus Worldwide Protection Services LLC, Raytheon, SCG International Risk, Security Services NW, Inc., Sharp End International, Skylink USA, SOS Temps, Inc., Spartan Consulting Group, Tactical Response Services, Titan Corporation, Top Cat Marine Security, Triple Canop, Inc., Vinnell Corporation, VIP Investigations and Protective Services Inc., EUBSA BV Inc. STOP units – Special Tactics and Operations, and Pathfinder Security Services?

Do you think any of them, some with interesting political connections, might get the federal government’s automatic stamp of militia?

What about the rest of us? What if the members of Happy Kyne and the Mirth Makers… all five of them… form a hunting club for some R&R? Do you suppose they will be a State-approved militia?

Who is going to protect us from a State determined to "protect" us? Isn’t Big Brother likely to want even more "security" for America? Won’t that lead to more "security" personnel on the streets? Won’t that lead to even more over-crowded prisons? Is the State seriously concerned with protecting its citizenry or controlling them?

God help us all if The Gang of Nine produce yet another murky decision in favor of gun possession restricted to members of state-designated militias instead of ruling in favor of the right of the people to keep and bear arms. Once they infringe upon the Second Amendment, will it be time for them to take on the First Amendment?

You bet it will.

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean. Elizabeth Gyllensvard [send her mail] no longer lives in Washington D.C., and spends her time reading British history.

Tom Chartier Archives

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Glory be to the Almighty Decider! They caught one! All that warrantless wiretapping has paid off. And I was beginning to have my doubts.

So whom did they catch? What diabolical plot has been foiled? How soon can the Gitmo Gang get started on their "enhanced interrogation techniques?"

Well… just hold your horses. America is not any safer from terror than it ever was. But, we are safer from debauchery! Through the modern miracle of electronic spying, the governor (well… he isn’t governor anymore) of the state of New York, Eliot Spitzer is in a heap of hot water and it ain’t fragrant, bubbly and filled with nubile young ladies.

But you all knew that. Politicians? Hookers? That’s spells Prime Time Entertainment!

With the nabbing of Eliot Spitzer, yet another elected official has been caught with his pants down. This time the sucker was a Democrat. Recently, one or two Republicans have been guilty of "lack of discretion." So, let’s not point the finger at any one political party. These primal urges are equal opportunity employers: sex scandals are bi-partisan. Ride ‘em cowboy!

Readers of this page have been told before: voters don’t want to lead clean lives, so they elect others to do it for them… in theory.

Trouble is, just like the people who elect them, all politicians are human. Shocking isn’t it? Politicians consider the "Get Out Of Jail Free" card as one of the perks of office. Other perks include exemption from responsibility for everything else. Having passed through the fires of campaign hell, our "elected" officials think they are gods on Valhalla. They always think they’re the ones who can get away with it… whatever it may be.

Catchingly known as Client Number Nine, Governor Spitzer seems to have been busted for hiring as much as $80,000 worth of professional Jezebels! Who does he think he is anyway, Bill Clinton? Wait… Slick Willy got his jollies for "free."

Jumping on that "nowtro" movement known as "with us or against us," the envious Republican assemblyman James Tedisco led the GOP cry for Spitzer to go bury his head in the sand… forever. To which circus arcade activity Spitzer may be reduced, now that he’s officially unemployed.

With Spitzer reeled in by federal wiretapping, Americans can bask in the glory of their government demonstrating its sleuthing skills. I don’t know about you but I feel so much safer now.

All that state-sponsored wiretapping in search of terrorists had me a bit concerned. It wasn’t really producing any results. And, looking back through the smog of time, I am not convinced that illegal wiretapping and presidential eavesdropping were ever necessary. Some say that FISA worked fine and dandy before the Bush regime rushed through Congress the Protect America Act. What didn’t work well was how our elected officials responded to information and warnings that were given to them.

Let’s take a stroll down memory lane. Once upon a time America was the home of the spending spree and the land of the naïve. Americans thought they were invincible, secure and exceptional. But all that changed when in September 2001, some crazed individuals got hold of four jetliners and crashed them into big buildings in Manhattan and Washington DC and a field in Pennsylvania. The country went berserk.

Everybody was caught off guard. Well… everybody except for the National Security Council, the FBI and the CIA all of which to varying degrees are said to have suspected something was up. And what, if anything, did these entities tell the Bush Administration? We shall never know. Perhaps those warnings of possible terrorist plans were conveniently placed the same oval file into which went the Hurricane Katrina warnings.

All y’all know this story too. Aren’t you sick and tired of hearing about 9/11 and being force-fed Paranoia Smoothies with an extra double pump of conspiracy thrown in? With what else will the Willie Nelson Laboratory of Advanced Physics come up?

Fact is, keeping Americans feeling safe is the last thing on the agenda of Bush/Cheney/McCain and the GOP. Fear is their friend. Fear works wonders in the maintenance of power. For this bunch, it’s all about power… power over you, me and, above all, power over those who could get in their way, like crime-busting governors or vocal members of Congress.

Miracle of miracles, not once but twice in the past two months, Congress has had the spine to stand up to The Shrub over renewal of the Protect America Act’s various provisions for illegal wiretapping. The most recent Congressional intransigence took place in closed session, the first such closed session in 25 years; was this necessary to prevent Bush from finking on anyone who did not toe the White House line?

Spitzer’s mistake… aside from buying the very product he forbade others to sell… was to send the White House a Valentine. On February 14th the Washington Post ran a column by then New York governor Spitzer on the role of predatory lenders in the subprime mortgage mess that claimed: "the Bush administration stopped the states from stepping in to help consumers.”

Spitzer had been daring enough to take on the unsavory lending practices of banks and mortgage providers. He wrote:

"Several years ago, state attorneys general and others involved in consumer protection began to notice a marked increase in a range of predatory lending practices by mortgage lenders… These …were having a devastating effect on homebuyers. In addition, the widespread nature of these practices, if left unchecked, threatened our financial markets.

"Even though predatory lending was becoming a national problem, the Bush administration looked the other way and did nothing to protect American homeowners. In fact, the government chose instead to align itself with the banks that were victimizing consumers."

As Greg Palast has written, the White House authorized Federal Reserve "$200 billion bail-out for predator banks and Spitzer charges are intimately linked."

You have to ask yourself, had Spitzer not published that Washington Post article, would his indiscretions have been brought to light? Had Spitzer kept his pen in his pocket, would Bush and Co., have filed away the call-girl dirt to bring Spitzer to heel over another issue?

Who knows? What we do know is that politics and hanky-panky and dirty deeds go hand in hand. That’s the system. A couple episodes of American Idol latter and lo and behold Eliot Spitzer is busted via federal wiretapping. How timely! You see? Wiretapping for everybody equally is a double plus good thing.

Could it be possible the Spitzer Scandal is more than just good old political fun and games? This bust is as subtle as a cock-fighting match. Could it be a loud and clear message to our "elected servants" that Big Brother is listening? To parody the Christmas ditty, "He knows with whom you’re sleeping, he knows when you cheat the State, he knows if you’ve been bad or worse, so be smart don’t take the bait." Especially when you’re trying to nail his ass to the wall! On whom else does Big Brother Shrub have the goods?

Of course renewal of the Protect America Act’s provisions for wiretapping is not necessary. If Bush can fabricate intelligence about WMD in Iraq, why waste all those hours listening on the federal party line? Hey, making up a dirty story about you or me or the honorable Governor Moronicus and noble Senator Ignoramus, ought to be a piece of yellowcake.

However, the White House knows that it’s always prudent to have one’s prey over a barrel and dead to rights.

Now that Eliot Spitzer is off Bush’s back well, things are hunky dory in Stalinist America. We’re all "safe!" The system works!

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean. Elizabeth Gyllensvard [send her mail] no longer lives in Washington D.C., and spends her time reading British history.

Tom Chartier Archives

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Imagine this nightmare scenario. It’s Election Day. You are standing in the voting booth at your local polling place. Winning the whoever-blinks-first contest, a sleek Daisy-Chain™ Electronic Voting Machine is staring you in the face. Hm… somewhere in the dark recesses of your mind you know something is wrong. Does this thing really work?

My friends. I feel your pain.

The answer to your question is a qualified "yes," it does work. But not for you. Could it do exactly what the machine’s owners want it to do? Might it even know how to flip the vote count to the chosen candidate just enough to win by a close margin? Sure would be hard to prove any hanky-panky that way.

This quote has been attributed to one of my favorite dictators "Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything."

So that’s why we need the Daisy-Chainu2122 electronic voting machine! Let Daisy-Chain™ simplify the decision-making process. Holy Reichstag Prescott! If there’s one thing the Bush Dynasty cannot abide that’s wimpy decision-making. Arf!

With Daisy-Chainu2122 election monitoring, not only are officials off the leash, but also they are freed from those annoying paper trails. The voter is spared the ordeal of those worrisome punch cards. But wait, you ask, how does one "vote" with one of these computerized gizmos? Beats me. I’m still waiting for my absentee ballot for the 2004 presidential election. (That’s true. It never came, but then, I’m not registered as Republican.)

The well-informed voter may be tempted to "cast his e-ballot" by using a Louisville Slugger. Be sure it wasn’t corked after it left the factory. That would be illegal. So is pumping up on interesting cocktails to strengthen your voting arm.

Appealing as it may be, bashing the hell out of a voting machine on election day is no way to participate in a "democracy." My advice: don’t do it… uh I mean… don’t bash the machine with a club. Such draconian destruction of private property may just land one in the hoosegow. Or worse! If Lulu Belle McCready were to exercise her democratic rights using a baseball bat or frying pan, her vote might just get counted as a vote for the Status Quo and John, Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran, McCain. One can’t be too sure about these newfangled contraptions. If that is the Widow McCready’s intention, then she can leave the enhanced disciplinary tools at home. Fact is, she can just push any old button. Could the Daisy-Chainu2122 machine transform any vote for any candidate and register it as unqualified support for, say, McCain…51% to 48%… with one per cent left over for Ralph Nader?

Oh but what’s this? Our Gentle Voter has had enough of surges, pre-emptive war and empire building. A change is wanted. Dear Imperial Presidency: You’re no fun anymore. Unable to find on the computer screen a candidate who represents the values of George Washington, the voter is faced with figuring out how to write-in the name of the long-since-culled anti-insanity candidate? Or, for that matter, how do you write-in the name of the X-treme insanity candidate? I already miss Rudy. Don’t you?

Hm… good question. Is there a "type-in" candidate option on a touch screen? Oh I do hope so! I’ve always believed Pat Paulson would make an excellent president and now that he’s deceased I am even more bullish about his candidacy.

Again, fear not! No need for Dr. Gruber’s anti-anxiety medications. Let Daisy-Chainu2122 be the decider! That’s the privilege for which the machine’s manufacturers bribed… er… uh… were paid to do… oh, you know what I mean.

Time magazine reports: "Some 50,000 touch-screen machines were bought in 37 states at a cost of almost a quarter of a billion dollars." Gee, that Daisy-Chainu2122 stock I bought ought to go sky high!

But wait! Hogwash you say! These electronic machines are as honest as the day is long. The state of California requires that they print out a receipt. Well, now that is comforting. I was worried there. So… uh… that means if a whole bunch of us get a creepy feeling about the election like, say, some folks did about Ohio 2004, we can take our receipts to Conan the Republican (Uber-Gubernor of Kalifornia) and get everything straightened out. Right?

Wrong! That electronic voting receipt means nothing. How it claims you voted and how HAL‘s cute little cousin decided you voted could easily be two totally different things. And you’ll never know or be able to prove a thing.

Sheesh, the way things stand right now, the Widow McCready might as well go to Vegas and pull the handle on a one-armed bandit.

Well, this just stinks. Neither is this democracy nor is it legal. It’s Karl Rove’s dream come true.

What we need is election reform faster than your thumb can turn purple. I don’t know about you, but I’m sick to death of the whole shebang already… and November is a long way off. To be sure, the endless campaign does have some supporters. Some of them may even be lobbying to be released on their own recognizance on the weekends.

How can we fix this? Stop laughing. I know, I know, it may already be "fixed."

Well, we’re all Americans here. And you know what that means: John Wayne is our Pilgrim; Louis L’Amour is our Poet… and we settle things at the O.K. Corral. It’s time for the Wild, Wild West. Gun slinging! Is it too late to propose this for 2008? Well… maybe next time… assuming there is a next time.

See, this is how it would work. All presidential candidates would square off and eliminate each other one at a time in old-fashioned quick-draw gun battles. The Federal Elections Commission could use the old Gunsmoke set. Talk about Reality T.V. And… since the U.S. is in big financial trouble (Don’t believe me? Okay, let’s see how you feel after the Repo Man shows up to drive off the SUV you’ve been living in since the bank foreclosed on the mortgage and took away your house.)… we can put the presidential gunfights on pay-per-view!

Hell, even I would pay for that! Instead of checking that annoying little box on the IRS form begging for $3.00 for the Presidential Election Campaign, wouldn’t you rather donate $10.00 to watch Hillary, Obama and Bomb Bomb McCain exercise their Second Amendment Rights in a spectacularly staged (in breathtaking Sergio Leone style of course) three-way gun battle?

Election expenses being what they are, is it any wonder the country is broke? Some of these guys have been proven fiscally irresponsible before they get elected. Pay-per-view may be the answer to the fiscally conservative voter’s dream.

For those who feel strongly that violence and bloodshed are not the standard by which American democracy should be known, viewers might seek a sanitized version which has been offshore outsourced, so to speak, onto Second Life. Citizens of the Empire have delicate sensibilities. The show’s sponsors may balk at broadcasting all that gun-slinging gore… unless Fox News [sic] makes the program producers an offer they can’t refuse.

But what about this year? No problemo hombre! I have a cunning plan. It’s called La Lucha Libre. For those of you who need elucidation, Mark Bondurant writes: "Lucha Libre, which translates literally as Free Wrestling or Free Fight, is a Mexican passion that hails from at least as far back as the 1930s. Matches have sparked riots that have shut down large cities. Its almost mythic heroes who battle evil and corruption have inspired generations in movies as well as the ring."

Shut down large cities, spark riots? Rip snorting! La Lucha Libre could reconstruct Baghdad!

All candidates will be required to visit East Los Angeles, commission a personalized Mexican Pro-Wrestling mask and then, on The Day, show up ready to deal with the Octagon! Candidates are eliminated when de-masked in the ring. Oh! The humiliation! Oh! The ratings! Last one in the ring still wearing his or her mask will be our new El Presidente! Right now, slightly more than half the US electorate bothers to show up to vote: I bet this gets higher ratings than the O.J. Simpson trial.

Now don’t you agree that either one of these ideas would be more sporting, fun and responsible than allowing the clones of HAL to decide our next Democratic Dictator?

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean. Elizabeth Gyllensvard [send her mail] no longer lives in Washington D.C., and spends her time reading British history.

Tom Chartier Archives