Krugman Exposes the GREAT CONSPIRACY
Readers and contributors to LRC often have been accused of being paranoid “conspiracy theorists” that actually believe (Oh, the humanity!) government agents at times commit murder and other transgressions. These miscreants actually refuse to believe, for example, that all of the Branch Davidians decided to commit mass suicide when confronted by compassionate, unarmed federal agents who only wanted to make sure that precious children were not being abused.
However, LRC readers will be pleased to know that in recent days the REAL CONSPIRACIES have been unearthed. First, Rep. Cynthia McKinney (D-Georgia) has declared that George W. Bush was the real mastermind behind the September 11 attacks, since it has helped his poll ratings and that some military contractors stand to make some money as government spends out the wazoo for new weapons and cannon fodder.
Now, I will be the first to admit that Bush has received undeservedly high poll numbers and the federal agencies most responsible for the security lapses that led to the attacks have been given new powers that will enable them to make even greater blunders in the future. However, I find it difficult to believe that Bush could have dreamed up such a plot, especially given that the perpetrators had addresses outside of Texas, but perhaps Rep. McKinney can give me a further explanation.
This morning, however, I have been let in on another grand conspiracy, which is this: right-wing Christians are “running the country.” Being a faculty member at a state university that is officially hostile to Christianity, someone would have needed to be quite authoritative in convincing me that it is the right-wing Christians who are in charge of the programs that are regularly trashing Christianity on my campus, but that Great Authority has revealed the Great Truth Himself. His name is Paul Krugman.
This fellow, as we know, writes a twice-weekly column for the New York Times, the “newspaper of record” which bravely stands between those right-wing Christians and mainstream America. In his last column with the Times, Anthony Lewis, who has declared himself the “voice of reason,” wrote of the Christian threat to us all. These people, he moaned, don't even believe that Charles Darwin's works are inerrant and Holy Writ. Furthermore, as he told a Times interviewer, Christians such as U.S. Attorney John Ashcroft, “enemies of decency and humanity.”
Being one who despises the what the “Justice Department” is doing in the name of “fighting crime” (read my April 22 LRC column on the DOJ and its RICO prosecutions), I think that Ashcroft and his minions do sometimes take indecent and inhumane positions when it comes to law enforcement. For that matter, Ashcroft's predecessor, Janet Reno, managed to write the book on using the power of the state to do evil.
However, I don't think that Lewis and Krugman are particularly worried about how the DOJ carries out its RICO prosecutions, nor did they criticize Janet Reno for her various crimes. In fact, I have never seen anything by Krugman on RICO, so I can only guess that he either doesn't know about it or approves of what DOJ is doing.
Krugman, as those of us in the economics business know, is a world-famous economist who teaches at Princeton (he received his doctorate from MIT and has taught at Stanford and MIT). It is almost certain that he will receive a Nobel Prize in economics in the future for his semi-protectionist theories on international trade — which is further proof that the followers of Alfred Nobel are economic illiterates.
However, while he masquerades as an economist in his column, he rarely writes about economics, instead exposing himself as just another political operative for the Democratic Party. In his latest salvo, he declares that George W. Bush is basically an American clone of Jean-Marie Le Pen, who has managed to turn French politics into turmoil with his anti-European Union and anti-immigration views and his upset “victory” in recent French elections.
This really is news, as I knew that Bush spoke Spanish, but did not know that he also converses in French, but, then, one reads Krugman in the first place because he is the Keeper of the Secret. The man knows where all the bodies are buried and who is speaking French.
Furthermore, declares Krugman, right-wing Christians are “running the country.” Why do we know this? Well, it seems that Tom DeLay, the Republican house whip, once said that he ascribes to a “Biblical worldview,” and that Bill Clinton lacked a “proper” worldview. To make things even more alarming, Krugman declares that DeLay is the “real power” behind Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (who, by the way, is a graduate of Wheaton College, the same college that once graduated Billy Graham — and my parents).
What further proof do we need than this? CHRISTIANS ARE RUNNING THE COUNTRY! Yes, we see all of the Christian influence in popular culture, Christians running the public schools and universities, and setting all of the important policies at Harvard, Yale, and Princeton. Had I not read Krugman, I never would have known about this frightening state of affairs.
Now, I have no doubt that some Christians would like to be running the country, although I imagine the Christians who are most politically active would be shocked to know they are in charge of things. Once in awhile I read comments from Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson that seem to be over the top, but I never would have guessed these guys are the REAL POWER in Washington, D.C. and the USA. From what I read in the Washington Post (which is not the newspaper of record), Teddy Kennedy is influential in our nation's capital. I guess that Teddy and his colleagues must be closet Christians. (Yes, we know that our congressmen are too busy to be chasing women other than their wives or committing other crimes, as they are spending all their time reading their Bibles in order to find the next set of laws they will impose upon us.)
I can only be thankful for Paul Krugman and his tireless work. Without him, I would never have realized that we are a Biblical dictatorship. I must keep reading his columns to find what Further Greater Wisdom he has to share with the rest of us ignorant ones.
April 25, 2002
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