I was not at my personal best that morning, I admit it, but neither was the rest of the family, and making Freudian slips, while still early-morning groggy, are easy to do. As I was to learn, everyone is all upset that I accidentally called the kids “stupid Earthling carbon units” instead of referring to them as “my wonderful, darling children,” which I admit I reflexively did NOT do because they are neither wonderful nor darling, but are instead some kind of mutant dollar-gobbling machines.
The issue was about, again, getting braces for one of the kid’s teeth, I don’t remember which one. Naturally, as the caring, loving father, I patiently tried to explain that the mutant neo-Keynesian econometric lunatic Janet Yellen was at the helm of the evil Federal Reserve doing the same monstrous “money-and-thus-debt-creating” monetary expansionism crap that causes inflation in the prices of things you need and deflation in the prices of things you don’t, and gold goes up in price because it is the ultimate money which everyone will be turning to as all the other fiat-monies fail, slowly, terrifyingly, one after another, in the economic mayhem when insane levels of lunatic leverage are unwound.
I actually remember cleverly summing up by saying “And therefore, we should put all our cash into gold, silver and oil! We should NOT, on the other hand, be foolishly wasting resources by getting braces for somebody’s teeth! Let the teeth grow in naturally, all crookedy and snaggly, and thus we will reap a veritable cornucopia of benefits! She will not be popular, based on her repellent looks, so we as parents won’t have to worry that she will get pregnant! Or have her stupid friends stealing food from our refrigerator, saving us money! And she will, out of bored necessity, busy herself educating herself in rigorous academics, excelling in sports, or doing something that can snag a nice college scholarship.”
Not content at that, I regret that I went on “Or at least get off her fat butt, go out and get a job and pay for the damned braces herself, if it is so damned important to her, because, in case you people ain’t heard, I Ain’t Made Of Money (IAMOM)!”
The way their eyes were wide and staring, and their mouths were hanging open in stunned stupefaction, replete with glistening drool dribbling down their stupid chins, was my first clue that I was not succeeding in presenting my Mogambo Ironclad Economic Reasoning For Survival (MIERFS).
So, to remedy the situation, I helpfully continued “Don’t you see? The dollar is losing its buying power at accelerating rates, on its way to zero buying power, because the horrid Fed (and the other central banks of the world) continues to print So Freaking Much (SFM) money and credit, so that the bloated, bankrupt government can borrow it and cram it into the bloated, bankrupt economy. That causes gold, silver and oil to go up mightily in price! It’s guaranteed! It’s guaranteed because history shows they always do!”
I was instantly hurt and irritated that they did not leap to their feet, applauding in joy at my brilliant idea. That’s when I said “Don’t you see that I am talking about, you stupid Earthling carbon units? When gold, silver and oil soar in price, that — that! — would be the time to sell a little bit of these wonderful appreciating assets, and use the pile of cash to have those nasty teeth pulled out and replaced with the latest and greatest innovations in implanted replacement teeth of the future, miracles of modern dentistry — maybe with built-in internet connectivity! — giving her a brilliant smile that her own stupid teeth could never even hope to achieve!”
Instantly, I was beset by the anticipated tide of people leaping to their feet, alright, only with no applauding, but instead having cereal bowls and spoons flying willy-nilly, a lot of screaming of really hateful words, how I was a horrible, horrible man who hates his children, and how they all wished I was dead, loudly daring each other to kill me (“I dare you!”), and blah blah blah.
Alas, my brilliant and wonderful Mogambo Ironclad Economic Reasoning For Survival (MIERFS) idea was for naught. Grasping at straws, I offered a little “happily ever after” treacle, saying “Thus, she will be an inspiring story of an Ugly Duckling becoming the Beautiful Swan, a hero to ugly girls around the world, and her handsome prince will come along, and she will live happily ever after. In a castle!”
Desperate to seal the deal, I offered another hidden benefit. “And she’ll never have a cavity, or root canal, or crown, or bridge, or any of that expensive dental stuff to deal with, or pay for, ever again, either!”
But I see that my words that got me in trouble, which, thankfully, none of them recorded on their phones, and so it is just their lying words against mine.
But at least I am not poor Stanley Fisher, the vice-chairman of the Federal Reserve, who IS on record as saying, according to the Financial Times, “The challenge for policy makers was separating the cyclical from the structural, the temporary from the permanent.” What? Hahaha!
Apparently, the structural part of the economy can exist independently of the cyclical, cyclical things don’t need the structural things, while cyclical things cannot become structural, and structural things cannot become cyclical! Hahahaha! The monetary policy of the United States is in the hands of these kinds of people? Yikes!
And don’t get me started on the insanity of hypothesizing something “permanent” in the economy, as nothing is permanent anywhere I look, but instead always in a state of decline. And so I would certainly rudely blurt out “Drop dead, ya lowlife moron!”, the words dripping with all the scorn and contempt I could dredge up.
The part that almost made me pee in my pants was when he said “The difficulty in disentangling demand and supply factors makes the job of the monetary policy maker especially hard since it complicates the assessment of the amount of slack, or under-utilised (sic) productive capacity, in the economy.” Hahahahahahahahahha!
I laugh uproariously! This Authentic Fed Gibberish (AFG)!
“Disentangling demand and supply factors”! Again, Hahahahahahaha! A new interpretation of Say’s Law? Hahahaha! As Bugs Bunny would say “What a maroon!”
Perhaps this ridiculous nonsense was merely a ruse to distract us from asking how “tapering” of Quantitative Easing led the evil Federal Reserve to increase Total Credit by a hefty $11.5 billion in One Freaking Week (OFW) last week, and bought up a goodly $8.7 billion in U.S. government securities, too, some or all of which may explain why the Monetary Base jumped up a massive $84 billion in that selfsame One Freaking Week (OFW) last week!
You can tell by the suddenly-serious look on my terrified face and my cold, steely gaze that when the vice-chairman of the foul Federal Reserve is saying things like that, and the Fed itself is creating cash and credit like that, and the population, and the politicians, and all our vaunted intellectuals of the United States are accepting things like that, then we are surely, surely doomed.
And if THAT if is not enough to make even the dullest Earthling carbon unit unhesitatingly want to go all-in, buying gold, silver and oil with a terrified, frenzied abandon, forsaking all else, then all the braces and the straightest teeth in the world will not be enough to pay for that dreadful mistake.
It all seems so, so easy to me. So easy, in fact, that I gleefully exclaim “Whee! This investing stuff is easy!”
But to Earthling carbon units, it is apparently very difficult, if not impossible, to even vaguely understand. Maybe it’s their bizarre fixation on the straightness of their teeth!