Five Things I've Learned From Superman

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I jumped off
the bed, flew into the air, and landed the wrong way on my foot,
breaking it. I was six and there was every indication I was from
the planet Krypton, whose sun exploded when I was a baby, leaving
me an orphan on a planet filled with people who would never fully
understand me.

I had a cape
on (my Superman blanket). The weak gravity of Earth would not hold
me down. Nothing could hold me down. My mother claims she heard
the crack of bone from the other side of our suburban house. Crack!
I landed. It could’ve happened. She might’ve heard it.

I had to wear
a cast. On the first day of first grade, in a brand new school,
I was “that kid”. The one who limped. The one who had
a cast. You know, the one you probably would’ve hung out with
because clearly I was destined to be the coolest kid in first grade.
At the end of the day I had an itch inside my cast. It was excruciating.
And it was raining. The teacher, Mrs. Klecor, wouldn’t let
us leave to catch our bus at the end of the day unless we could
spell our names. I have a bad name for such a task. “Altucher”.
I was sure I was going to miss my bus. I was the last one left.
I started to cry. Because after school I was getting the cast off.
But not if I couldn’t spell my name and miss my bus.

Almost 30 years
later I’m still Superman.

I’m clumsy
like Clark Kent. I have glasses. Black hair. I’m often shy
in public. People often laugh at me. And, like many people, I have
a secret identity that I’m hiding. One that I reveal bit by
bit in this blog. But nevertheless, if I were to reveal everything
I’d end up in jail or a hospital or an institution or more
people would hate me than normally do or Claudia would leave me
or other people would be badly hurt by those who would take advantage
of the real truth. It’s my secret identity.

From the age
of 4 to the age of 44 I’ve been reading Superman. If I weren’t
writing this blog I could sit down today and write 50 sample scripts
to submit to DC Comics.

So, of course,
I have 5 things I learned from Superman:

A) I still
am Superman.
It wasn’t just when I was six. I have a secret
identity disguised as the socially and physically awkward James
Altucher that everyone sees but I know is not the real me. Meanwhile,
if everyone knew who I really was they would be blown away by my
powers. I know deep down how special I am. I’m originally from
another planet, Krypton. Superman’s Kryptonian name was Kal-El.
Coincidentally, that is my Kryptonian name. I’m misunderstood
by the people of Earth. But I don’t care. Everyday I wake up
knowing I’m Superman and it makes me feel good.

B) Superman
had no useful powers.
People always say Batman had no powers
and Superman did. But it’s actually the reverse. Think about
it: when would you ever need super strength? Are you really picking
up a car anytime soon? No, of course not. Heat vision? What for?
I have a microwave. X-ray vision? I can see the most beautiful woman
in the world naked anytime I want. All of my neighbors are hideous
even with clothes on. And we all know that women in general are
sexier with skimpy clothes than totally naked. And super hearing?
I already know what everyone thinks about me. I think I would be
horrified to hear them say those things.

Read
the rest of the article

April
14, 2012

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