by James Altucher: New
Book: 40 Alternatives to College!
Every day I
list at least ten items. I like to practice my idea muscle. Even
if its my stupid idea muscle. They might be business ideas. Thoughts
about the revolution. Book ideas. Ideas on how to improve my life.
Or blog post ideas. Ideas on who I should be connecting with. And
so on. They can be about anything. The ideas should never be about
“these ten ideas will save my life or else”. It’s
just to playfully exercise the idea muscle. Maybe one idea in six
months will be “THE ONE”.
A) How to
be less shy when public speaking: Here’s what you do: Picture
YOURSELF naked. Everyone gives the advice, “picture everyone
in the audience naked.” I guess that’s supposed to make
you at ease somehow. Everyone naked. Haha.
bullshit. Picturing everyone in the audience naked sounds repulsive
to me. How am I supposed to speak in a room filled with naked people?
Do I want to have sex with them or something? I don’t get it.
Please, everyone, keep your clothes on in my head so I can give
this talk.What are you all doing with your clothes off? You, in
the front, your wife’s salad dressing is dripping on your penis.
this: picture YOURSELF naked. And say, “I’m sorry folks.
Someone gave me the advice that I should picture all of you naked.
I’d rather not offend you in that way so for the next hour
you should PICTURE ME naked while I talk.” You’ll get
some laughs. You can begin your talk. And, if you’re built
like me, you’ll probably get a lot of phone numbers at the
Someone named Hyliry Love just added me to
her Google+ Circles. I have no idea who she is. But of course
I had to click on her profile. Who is named Hyliry Love?
She has this
photo and says, “Alright boys i know aht i am and i know why
i like it.. I like exactly what i am… I am a true whore and
will mess around with anyone anyone want to be friends…”
I wonder what
a “true whore” means? I guess a “whore” is someone
who will do it for money but a “true whore” is someone
who will also love you.
I notice that
Zac Efron is also among the 40 people in her circles. And also there
is someone who defines himself as a “Math Teacher”. I
like that. Hyliry is a true whore. She likes Zac Efron, me, and
she studies Geometry. I’m going to start using that affectionately.
Like if a girl gives me the right change at the deli. I’m going
to smile and say. “Thanks babe…you’re a true whore.”
But now I know.
Alec Baldwin is also dreaming about me. Dreaming he wants to be
me. In some parallel universe Alec Baldwin and I are friends and
we go on double dates with our Hispanic yoga teachers. We talk about
politics. They talk in Spanish and it sounds like a mini-operetta
at the other end of the table. Alec and I laugh about that. Ahh,
we’re just a bunch of gringos. Then Billy Baldwin comes along
and he and Alec are talking and laughing and I feel by myself. I’m
jealous. Billy, why did you have to come into this parallel universe?
D) The Witness
Protection Program. Not a single person on the planet doesn’t
want to be in the United States Witness Protection Program. So I’m
going to tell you how. There’s lots of gangster types still
walking around Chinatown in NYC. Here’s what you do: just follow
them around. Walk about ten feet behind them. Whenever they turn
around to look at you just look the other way. Oh, I was just looking
at this Pig head in the random food store. Then keep following them
around. The Feds will think you are one of them. Then testify against
them. But first, make sure the FBI guarantees the Witness Protection
Program. Then say, “yes, that guy is a low down thug. He killed
Michael Jackson. He sent Osama Bin Laden all those porn videos.”
And now you’re
in Boise, Idaho. They give you the name Alec Baldwin and everyone
sort of jokes about it. The government sends you $9,000 a month.
For the rest of your life.
Does It Stop? I’m in Greenwich, CT as I write this. You
can’t even see anyone’s house. They are all enormous but
the gates are huge so you can’t see anything. Believe me. I’ve
been trying. More on that later. But Claudia and I have been driving
down every road that says “NO ACCESS – PRIVATE DRIVE”
and we can’t see a single house. Because we are stalkers. Where
is Occupy Wall Street when you finally need them?
After the 99%
have finished killing off the 1% (Derek Jeter – I always wonder
this – are you in the 1%? Like, clearly you are financially
but do baseball players count? Is Miley Cyrus in the 1%?) then who
is next? Now the 99% have become 100% of the people. Now there’s
a NEW 1%. What do you do with them? Of course you have to kill them
also to be consistent. It seems like the safest place to be is in
the bottom 1%. Does Occupy Wall Street want to start tattooing our
percentage numbers on our foreheads? Maybe that’s a solution.