What To Do When She Leaves You

Email Print

by James Altucher: 10
Ways To Forgive The Person You Want To Kill



If you haven’t
heard, today is Valentine’s Day, the worst holiday known
to mankind except for maybe Father’s Day
, which is 100%
commercial and has no historical backdrop.

Day has some history although not really. It’s named after
a St. Valentine, although we don’t know which one (there were
three) and we don’t know anything about them (one or two of
them were killed while defending Christianity but that’s it),
and we don’t know why there is romantic connotation to them
(Chaucer mentioned the Valentines in his infinitely boring poetry
we are force-fed by our English teachers who try to read us the
poems in the original English, rendering them not only boring but
potentially lethal. I was almost martyred on one such day).

Not to mention
Chaucer’s rendition is probably referring to some day in May
but we’ve already listed enough reasons to ignore this day.
Oh, one more, Pope Paul the whatever, (I easily forget numbers and
refuse to research while writing) in the 1960s actually did away
with this holiday, admitting, once and for all, “we have no
clue who St. Valentine is other than where he was buried.”

That said,
three emotions do come up, because of history, on this day. Loneliness
(if you have no Valentine), Romance (if you do), and Guilt (if you
do, but you forgot to do anything about it). I fall under the latter
category but I also like to think of every day as Valentine’s
Day. Why should only one day per year be relegated as the day you
respect, honor, cherish, your loved one?

But, recently,
perhaps in anticipation of this sacred holiday named after a holy
saint, many people have written me, “my husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend
has left me. What do I do to get off the floor? I can’t get
myself motivated.”

I can relate
to this. I’ve done stupid,
stupid things
on such occasions. So here’s ways to avoid
being stupid whether you are a guy or a girl, whether your ex is
a “he” or a “she”:

A) You need
to make a change.
TODAY. Keeping yourself busy is no good. Your
mind is not where it should be. You are constantly thinking about
her so you are probably at about 10% capacity. The key is to treat
yourself. Take yourself out on a date. Take a day or two off from
work, go to a museum, a movie, go out with friends. Treat yourself
and put yourself in a completely different environment. Leave town
if you can. Stay in a bed and breakfast where you never stayed before.
But you have to totally change your environment for at least a day.
For the sake of all people everywhere, please help me out here and
list things below, in the comments, you can do to take yourself
out on a date.

B) Sleep
at least eight hours.
I would say ten hours but many people
can’t do that (I’m a professional at sleeping ten hours).
If you have trouble sleeping that many hours because you are anxious
about the situation then go to your doctor, explain the situation,
and get medication. When I’ve been broken up with I was not
able to sleep without the help of medication. Kolonopin + Amitriptylin
worked for me. But it’s still important to sleep at least eight
hours, even if medicated. Then get off the medication as quickly
as possible (the above are addictive).

C) Don’t
eat after 5pm.
Don’t drink. When you eat late you have
trouble digesting, making it harder to sleep. When you drink, two
things happen: alchohol is a depressant and you are already depressed
so it’s common sense not to drink. Plus the sugar from the
alcohol will have you waking up at 2 or 3 in the morning. Plus you’ll
gain extra mindless calories. You need to be in top shape to meet
the next person.

D) Don’t
watch TV.
Not even Mad
. Not even the news. How come? Because on every TV show,
including the news, people are either killing each other, cheating
on each other, or (in the case of the news) trying to ruin your
financial life. You have enough troubles, you don’t need Don
Draper’s troubles as well. This is not forever. Just until
you are better. You might think, “this will keep my mind off
of X”. But it won’t. It will just remind you of the most
painful parts of your relationship wth X. When I was getting separated
from my X the worst thing I did was watch “Mad Men”. I
couldn’t help myself. I’m a Mad Men addict.

E) Don’t
Which probably also means: no facebook, twitter, and limit
all websurfing. How come? The news is already bad. She or he left.
She’s gone. Any information you find out now is for what point?
To win her back? To prove her wrong? To prove you right or justified
in yelling at her? What good will that do you? It’s over. So
you have to avoid outside stimulus that is going to make you feel
bad and just move forward. But why not websurfing? Because you know
you are going to check her facebook page. Or her blog. Or her tweet
stream. And it will just make you angry. You have to follow the
advice in “How
to Deal with Crappy People
” only this time, the crappy
person is your ex. You don’t want to become a crappy person

F) Forgive
So you did spy after all. So you threw a book in anger.
So you were a complete jerk and now he left and is with another
woman. So you got angry and cried and tried to argue with him or
her not to go. So the police came and picked you up. So you wrote
those angry letters about what you were going to do. Ok, you were
bad. But you’re not a bad person. You just were abandoned.
It brought back memories of every other time you were abandoned.
The faster you forgive yourself, the less likely this type of thing
will happen in the future. Maybe you deserve to have been left.
But there’s seven billion people on the planet. About half
of them or of the opposite sex from you. You’ll find another
one who is even better. It’s a law of the universe. If you
use this event as an event that will inspire personal improvement
then it’s a guarantee you will meet someone better.

Also, lets
say she said she’s leaving you because you did “Z”.
Sure, you can blame yourself for doing Z. But there’s two possibilities.

  1. Z is not
    the real reason. It’s just a good reason she thought of that
    makes sense to you. You might not ever know the real reason and
    there’s no point in trying to figure it out.
  2. Let’s
    say Z is the real reason. Deep down you have to ask yourself,
    “Why did I do Z?” You knew that Z would have consequences.
    Maybe you weren’t ready for the person you were with so you
    did Z. Don’t blame yourself. But use this as a crucial point
    of introspection. Maybe you are, right now, afraid of real commitment.
    Maybe you want to be financially settled. Maybe you self-sabotage
    yourself when a good thing comes along (I don’t say this
    to make you feel worse. Once you stop self-sabotaging yourself,
    you’ll go out and meet someone just as good).

the rest of the article

16, 2012

Best of James Altucher

Email Print