My Platform If I Were Vice-President of the United States

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by James Altucher: 10
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In 1980, being
a young, strident young journalist and essayist at the age of 12
I decided to call up the Federal Elections Commission and get a
list of all of the candidates who were officially running for President
and Vice-President. There was the usual crew: “James Earl Carter”,
“Edward M Kennedy”, etc but then there were a lot of offbeat
characters as well.

For instance,
Clifford Finch, the governor of Mississsippi, was running for President.
I never did figure that one out. Although, I went down there (my
first plane trip ever) spent a week staying at the house of his
campaign manager, Norman Harris, and Finch made me an “honorary
colonel of Mississippi” (for those who don’t know, Colonel
Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame is only an honorary colonel
so this means either I should set up a chain of some sort (“Missippi
Fried BLTs?”) or it means if you are from Mississippi and run
into me you better BOW DOWN and pay some RESPECT.)

Another guy
I spoke to was Jim Boren, who had decided not to run for President
but run for Vice-President. His campaign slogan was: “When
in doubt, mumble
.” I called him to interview him and he
had an extension of that motto: “When in doubt, mumble.
When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder.
” I liked
his style. He also said, “I haven’t done anything for
the past few years so I figure I’m qualified.” He spent
the summer of 1979 in Alaska, “looking for absentee votes.”

Finally he
says, “I just want a good job, with good food, and to meet
some nice people.”

So at least
there is a precedent for me to run for Vice-President although I’m
going to take a different stance.

Apparently
there is a several minute period between the time the Vice-President
is sworn in and the President.

During that
time, it can be argued, the Vice-President is acting as sort
of an interim President
. I have a lot of things I can do during
those few minutes.

First off,
one can ask: why not just run for President?

Answer: are
you crazy? Look at all these debates you have to go to. The Vice-President,
AT MOST, has to go to one debate. Who do you think I am? John F.
Kennedy?

Second, it
costs about a billion dollars to become President. It also costs
Coca-Cola a billion dollars a year to convince people that Coke
is good for them and not just unhealthy carbonated water with 16
teaspoonfulls of sugar.

So maybe using
this new platform being developed by the Rothshchilds (thanks to
Bob Wenzel for pointing this out to me) maybe I can run directly
for VP and get on the ballot in all 50 states.

And I have
a very specific platform. It would only take me a few minutes to
issue all of the executive orders and then I promise I will resign.

In other words,
not only will I be a one-term Vice-President, I will be a ten minute
Vice-President.

Executive
Order #1: Immigration.
As long as they don’t have criminal
records, anyone can come into the United States. As for current
illegal aliens, I’d get rid of the Immigration Reform and Control
Act of 1986 which made it illegal to hire an illegal immigrant.

Here are my
questions about immigration that I have for people who are running
for President.

  • Where the
    hell did you come from? Or, if not you, your ancestors.
  • Who is
    cleaning the dishes and prepping the food at EVERY restaurant
    in NYC. Even when I go for expensive sushi, except for the Japanese
    sushi guy on display at front everyone else hidden in the back
    is from Mexico.
  • For the
    first time in 50 years, Indians and Chinese are staying home and
    starting semiconductor companies. The head of a major graduate
    school said this is the first time he’s seen a year over
    year decline in Indian applicants. That’s bad news! The Indian
    Institute of Technology is the best undergraduate tech college(s)
    in the world! We need the grads of that school to start semiconductor
    companies in the US.
  • Its not
    like that law protected American jobs. Born and raised Americans
    don’t want to be nannies or slice up onions for a living
    (on the whole).
  • In fact,
    official employment went down because people started to hire freelancers
    to do jobs so as to remove the risk they were officially hiring
    an illegal immigrant.
  • My wife
    was at one time an immigrant. She fought hard to come to America,
    stay in America, survive in America, and succeed in America. That’s
    what America is about.
  • What about
    terrorists? Only 2% of currently illegal immigrants are from the
    entire Middle East and that includes Israel.

Well, what
if they are already an illegal immigrant. No problem! Amnesty! Unless
they have a criminal record. Then get out! There’s 12mm illegal
immigrants out there.

Executive
Order #2: TAX HOLIDAY!
No taxes for a year. Oh wait, who would
pay for all the bombing in Afghanistan? Who would pay for the food
sent to our 18 year old girls who are shipped to Iraq? Ok, ok, I
see your point. Let me get back to this one and handle a few other
important executive orders first. But first, let me ask you this:
who is a better allocator of your money: YOU or Timothy Geithner?
If the answer is Timothy then feel free to send in your money. If
you think you will do better for the country with your money (spending
it, hiring people, etc) then don’t write a check. At ease,
soldier. Do what you were doing. Keep collecting taxes on corporations.
But no more individual income taxes. I need my money!

Executive
Order #3: No more Military!
Everyone has a lot of opinions on
this and they are all wrong. Simplicity is best. We have military
bases or some sort of actions in 130 countries right now. We are
actively bombing six different countries where civilians are being
killed. What the hell for? Let’s look at Libya as an example:
we spent $600mm
in the first week of bombing them. That’s your tax dollars,
my friend. Ok, you say, but Qadafi was “bad”. Maybe he
was. But the opposition forces are filled with al Quaeda. So who
is this going to help in the long run?

Read
the rest of the article

December
12, 2011

The
Best of James Altucher

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