How I Cured My Constipation

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by James Altucher: Lessons
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Western medicine
is the best thing to hit this planet. Which is why lifespans are
up all over the West despite rising obesity and complete lack of
care for our bodies. No joke, there’s a wikipedia entry for
Head transplants”. In other words, if your body
is racked with cancer but your brain and head are fine they can
cut your head off and put on top of a dead body and you can live.
Theoretically. They haven’t done it yet but they will. They’d
done it with monkeys, dogs, and rats. And with the rats they even
left the old head on. It’s gross but we’re going to live
forever.

And you will
be a quadraplegic since right now they haven’t figured out
how to connect the spinal cord up.

But, like all
science, that will improve. Eventually they will figure out how
to not only attach the brain but also attach the nerves from the
spinal cord. Then you will be an old head on a brand new body and
you can walk around with it. That will happen. As usual, there’s
no avoiding the crushing avalanche of science. It will run right
over you and either crush you or save you.

But before
my head transplant takes place I have a few gripes.

Claudia was
sick from Lyme disease since early August. Lyme comes the bite of
a tic that has been infected by sucking the blood out of an infected
deer. I think. We live in an area right by the Hudson River and
lots of deer are running around. If you walk even a few feet from
a tall blade of grass without any leggings or pants on then there’s
a reasonable chance that a tic can jump from the grass, onto your
leg, and begin its process of engorging you with the disease.

Everyone but
me in my area has had it. The only reason I don’t get it is
because I NEVER go outside. Claudia has had the worst case I’ve
seen. From August through mid November she basically slept 22 hours
a day and couldn’t move without agony during the other two
hours.

Which, as
one can imagine, was horrible for me!
I had to shop! Where the
heck are the beets? I thought beets were purple. Where are the Danish
Butter Cookies? Don’t they keep them in the cookie aisle? And
how come the butter is not next to the half and half. Aren’t
they all milk products.

And what’s
up with dry cleaning? How am I supposed to keep around this ticket
for four days and then come back, with the right ticket, and retrieve
my clothes. How will I even remember such a thing?

Claudia used
to come with me into the city. I’d make her laugh. Who was
going to laugh at my jokes now. I tried once with the people in
front of me. They DID NOT think it funny when I just poked my head
in front of them, mid-conversation, and said, “there’s
a reasonable chance we can crash head on into another train.”

We’d wake
up together usually. About one hour in she’d say, “I think
I’m cured!” and we’d be happy. But then two hours
in she wouldn’t even look at me. She’d barely be walking.
She’d crawl up the stairs. And she was down for the rest of
the day and night. It was depressing.

The doctors
gave her Amoxycillin. “You’ll be better in three days.”
Then she wasn’t. Then one friend of mine said go on Doxycycline.
So I called the doctor and said put her on Doxycycline. So she did.
And everything got worse. She got a Herx reaction which is when
the body negatively reacts to a drug that is lethally killing off
all the bad and good bacteria in your body. Then we went to another
doctor. He upped the dosage of Doxycycline.

She had more
of a Herx reaction. She was in pain all day. She had arthritis
symptoms, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and her EKG started to show
a “left brand bundle block” which means electricity is
not flowing around the heart correctly. We went to a cardiologist.
He said, “we have to inject a small amount of radiation in
there to see if there’s a further problem.” But we said
“no” to that. He said in the worst case, people with an
LBBB get a heart transplant. NO WAY! She’s just got lyme disease.
This is a sympton not a permanent thing.

We were both
getting really scared.

Meanwhile,
she was also having neurological problems. I won’t get into
it. But they were bad. Hallucinations. Other problems. So: heart,
brain, joints, sleep, and the more medicine she took, the worse
she got. And one doctor was suggesting the possibility of a heart
transplant. Our general practitioner, who had lyme disease twice
before herself, said, “I give up, I don’t know what to
do.” And the lyme specialist was getting ready to up the dosage
even more: a hospital stay with intravenous antibiotics. I kept
reading stories about people who took antibiotics for years. Claudia
had to cancel everything in her life. This was going to ruin her.
(See, “I’m
sick of Claudia’s Lyme Disease
”)

Finally, our
landlord (we rent, we
don’t own
) said this Chinese doctor in the city cured him
of prostate cancer. Everybody was giving advice but when I heard
the words “prostate cancer” my ears perked up. There’s
only so much advice one can follow but if this guy can potentially
avert future problems for me also then it was definitely worth it.

It was Claudia’s
first trip on a train in three months and she almost couldn’t
make it. I had to drag her into the office. The office was a complete
hole in the wall on 65th street on the east side. There was a picture
of Sarah Ferguson, Dutchess of York, on the wall, “Thank you
for saving my life.”

Read
the rest of the article

December
26, 2011

The
Best of James Altucher

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