Hell on Wheels

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Recently by Eric Peters: Five Must-Do Summer Checks      

Here are some candidates:

Bugatti Veyron

Old Scratch certainly has the scratch necessary to acquire a seven figure chariot of hellfire like the $1.7 million, 16-cylinder, 1,000-horsepower Bugatti super supercar. And with four turbochargers, all-wheel-drive and a top-speed of more than 250 mph, the Veyron has what it takes to run with the devil.

Satan says: “Truly faster and more furious than a plague of locusts; I’ll take two.”

Hummer H1 Alpha

It takes almost as much gas to keep this bad boy running down Corollas as it does souls in torment to stoke the flames of the Eternal Pit. Whether it’s rooster-tailing through an endangered species’ delicate habitat or spewing brimstone into the skies and lungs of the damned, the always outre Hummer’s more than up to the job.

Satan says: “I have to deal with pretty rocky terrain sometimes in my neighborhood; and there’s plenty of extra room for my minions.”

Toyota Prius

It doesn’t get especially good mileage. It’s slower than cars that do get good gas mileage – and it costs two or three times as much as a normal economy car that also gets better gas mileage. What could possibly be more more diabolical? Plus, it’s ugly!

Satan says: “Fooled ya again!”

Chrysler 300C Hemi

The old – ugly – one. Maybe not quite “Body by Plymouth, soul by … well, you know who.” But, close enough. That gangster-grinning front end is the ideal final sight for wayward pedestrians and spandex-clad would-be Tour de Francers unlucky enough to get in His way.

Satan says: “Watch out all you Lance Armstrong wannabees; and make mine Beelzebub Black.”

Daimler Maybach 62

The simple life may work for ol’ goodie-two-sandals, but our guy likes to live large. And with worldly delights that include back seats like Barcaloungers that allow their occupants to fully recline, sued-textured feather-stuffed pillows, a refrigerator/mini bar and (of course) lamb’s wool carpeting, it’s the perfect mobile lounge for discussing the terms and conditions of the sale of your eternal soul.

Satan says: “Trump’s got nothing on me, riding around in that low-rent Prom Night Special Town Car stretch he’s got. Get a better rug, too.”

Pontiac Aztek

Of course. Why not give them a preview of what’s to come? The inspiration for this car’s damnation alley styling had to come from the Nether regions – and wherever it travels, there will always be much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Satan says: “No! Keep it away! I repent! You win. Ok?”

Reprinted with permission from EricPetersAutos.com.

Eric Peters [send him mail] is an automotive columnist and author of Automotive Atrocities and Road Hogs (2011). Visit his website.

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