At least that is how I approach the stress-fest. I ditched optimism years ago and accept that the probability of a ruined dinner and a row is high by way of insuring against Christmas calamity.

This is not because I’m one of those party-planning generals who undertakes a course in napkin origami and creative table décor in November. If anything, the strategy is based on paring it all down. I have learnt the hard way; the following these 12 fates are always with me.

1. Search the house

You did, you know you did, buy a few little handmade wooden toys in Turkey last summer, thinking they’d be perfect presents, then you hid them. Avoid the irritation of coming across them next July and turn the place upside down.

2. Resist railway travel

Those planning train journeys must rethink. Anything – including a lift from a hated relative whose dog has bad breath – will be less traumatic.

3. Bend the knees

Osteopaths report a surge of calls from people who slip discs pulling 28lb turkeys out of the deep freeze.

4. Under-organise

Cancel the Aga/cooker/boiler service. Engineers with after-party sore heads forget to tighten vital screws or valves. Like a doomed space satellite, your kitchen infrastructure heads for collapse, transpiring just as the helpline shuts down for the break.

5. Resist recycling

Giving away unwanted presents from last year will backfire. Can you keep a straight face as the recipient opens an especially naff box of bath pearls? A relationship-busting crime is to mistakenly return a gift to its original donor.

6. Avoid obvious danger

Recalling here the fate of one of my friends who decided she could not be bothered to cook, ordered a takeaway and gave everyone a dose of food poisoning.

7. Take nothing for granted

You do not have wide-gauge aluminium foil left over from last year; nor enough candles, salt, onions, cans of peeled chestnuts or cloves for the bread sauce and glazed ham.

8. Christmas Day is sacred

Very little need be done on the day, so everyone is free to go to church. The stuffing, potato peeling, sprout preparation, bread sauce base, brandy butter, giblet stock, cranberry sauce and knife-sharpening can all be done the previous day.

9. Think big

Turkeys do not fit in conventional roasting tins. Unless, as I once did, you want to roast it after sawing it in half, buy a big tin.

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December 22, 2010

The Best of Rose Prince

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