The Words You Read Next Will Be Your Last ...

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The moment
I’ve finished typing this, I’m going to walk out the door and set
about strangling every single person on the planet. Starting with
you, dear reader. I’m sorry, but it has to be done, for reasons
that will become clear in a moment.

And for the
sake of transparency, in case the powers-that-be are reading: this
is categorically not a joke. I am 100% serious. Even though I don’t
know who you are or where you live, I am going to strangle you,
your family, your pets, your friends, your imaginary friends, and
any lifelike human dummies with haunted stares and wipe-clean vinyl
orifices you’ve got knocking around, perhaps in a secret compartment
under the stairs. The only people who might escape my wrath are
the staff and passengers at Sheffield’s Robin Hood airport, because
they’ve been granted immunity by the state.

Last week 27-year-old
accountant Paul
Chambers
lost an appeal against his conviction for comments
he made back in January via the social networking hoojamflip Twitter,
venting his frustration when heavy snow closed the airport, leaving
him unable to visit his girlfriend.

"Crap!"
he wrote. "Robin Hood airport is closed. You’ve got a week
and a bit to get your s__t together otherwise I’m blowing the airport
sky high!!"

Anti-terror
experts intercepted this message and spent hours deciphering it,
eventually uncovering a stark coded warning within, cunningly disguised
as a series of flippant words.

Chambers’ use
of multiple exclamation marks is particularly chilling. He almost
seems to find the whole thing rather funny. The violent destruction
of an entire airport – hundreds of passengers and staff being
blasted to shrieking ribbons by tonnes of explosive, all because
one man’s dirty weekend has been postponed – yet all this senseless
carnage is little more than an absurdist joke in the warped mind
of Paul Chambers.

Funny is it,
Mr Chambers? A big old laugh? Tell that to the theoretical victims
of your hypothetical atrocity. Go on. Dig them out of the imaginary
rubble. Listen to their anguished, notional screams. Ask how loudly
they laughed as you hit the make-believe detonator. Go on. Ask them.

If you dare.

At least when
Osama bin Laden broadcasts a warning to the west, his intentions
form part of an extremist ideology informed by decades of resentment.
Chambers issues bloodcurdling threats at the drop of a snowflake.
This makes him the very worst kind of terrorist there is –
the kind prepared to slaughter thousands in the name of inclement
weather conditions.

Read
the rest of the article

November
18, 2010

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